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Crap Match Report

Jase » 12 September 2009 » In cricket, south london » No Comments

Close of play, final day: Surrey 376 and 282-9dec, Northants 492 (Northants 12pts, Surrey 10pts)

Top tier of The Oval, surveying my patch. @surreycricket
doing a fine job of hanging on. 227-5, lead of 100ish after following on. Booze… #

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Note to self: Don’t publish a podcast talking up @surreycricket’s chances. They’ll only lose another wicket. Spriegel lbw 56. 235-6 the ‘rrey #

OCS ball tampering? Bloke behind boundary rope caught the ball, and roughed up the cherry before tossing it back. 239-6 the ‘rrey #

Once again the bar manager at the Ramps’ 100 Bar has taken up his favourite position. Um, just behind mid wicket. Nice work, fella. 243-6 #

250 up for the ‘rrey for the fall of 7 wickets. Game changed. Northants optimtic of run chase & result. Dr A working away. Why? Strange girl #

V excited. Chap wearing Forest top & Surrey cap, carrying pint, just sat in front of us. Planning a D***y song. Dr A not happy #

Why are *all* the players out, asked Dr A. Um, that will be tea, darling. 265-8 @surreycricket. Could get lively if wickets fall after tea #

Lurking in the 100 Hundred’s Bar at The Oval, smuggling in home brew. Bar Manager clocked us. Surprised he’s actually here #

Legendary @surreycricket oik, Lobby, is alive and well in the Peter May stand. No one can deliver a C’mon the ‘rrey better than Mr L. 278-9 #

Blimey. Match drawn. Northants ran out of ideas and two captains shook hands. Shame, as I was all bound for more booze action #

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Crap Match Report

Jase » 09 September 2009 » In cricket » 1 Comment

Close of play, day one: Surrey 305-5 (Surrey 3pts, Northants 1pt)

Work done for now. Making short walk down the Clap’ham Rd for some @surreycricket action. Monty’s been bowling all morning. Vaguely excited #

Luncheon over at The Oval. Players are out with @surreycricket batting on 96-2. Big appeal from Monty in first over. No sign of #ashes fever #

Old boy in front of me at The Oval has sunk half a bottle of champagne in past half hour. He’s reading the obits in The Times. 120-2 Surrey #

Deary me. Midweek and the Peter May boys are bare chested. The Peter May boys have an average age of 65 #

Aha! A rare sighting of the Surrey fox! And I don’t mean the blue rinse bird sitting behind me. 137-2 Surrey. Good progress after luncheon #

Monty Panesar, Oval boundary #fail #

Daily Express journos (yeah, I know) should set up base at The Oval. This is their demographic heartland. On the look out for Di. 158-3 #

Exchanging emails with the wonderful @surreycricket, who is sitting about ten metres to my left. 164-3 Surrey. Monty out of attack #

I’ve looked at this London skyline from top of The Oval for 15 years. Still finding new points of interest. We’ll miss this when we’re gone #

And there’s the half century for JB. 179-3 Surrey #

Back at The Oval and it’s all about JB and his century. Batty on 94. Bizarre chat at break in toilets with bloke about hand towels #

Monty is a better fielder than bowler. Discuss (or probably just get on with some work.) 99 for Jonathan Batty
#

Brilliant. Ton up for JB. Really couldn’t happen to a nicer bloke. Been batting for almost seven hours now. 279-5 Surrey #

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Crap Match Report

Jase » 13 August 2009 » In cricket » No Comments

Surrey 156-2 beat Gloucestershire Glamorgan 189-5 by eight wickets (D/L) (Surrey 2pts)

Heading out to The Oval, via the off-licence. Optimistic of some Ramprakash watching #

Bumper crowd at The Oval. Seriously. Suits everywhere. City half day? Mr Ramps is out there *swoon* 42-0 Glouc Glam #

Floodlights on at The Oval. Turn ‘em down! And while you’re at it, turn down loudmouth Wilson, keeping wicket for Surrey. 44-0 Glouc Glam #

Can’t decide if Glouc Glam high run rate is evidence of a decent #ashes batting wicket at The Oval, or simply crap Surrey bowling. Hang on… #

Still can’t get over size of Pro40 crowd, a competition that ECB tell us is a dead format. Boy Bragg looking good out there for Glouc Glam on 35 #

Not much take up of the highly irritating 4 & 6 cards in the Member’s pavilion. Marketing turns everything into s**** #

Ah, Bill Bragg out for a fine 36, bowled by Meaker. Great view here looking right over the strip. 58-1 Glouc Glam #

Glamorgan, Gloucestershire, Crinkley Bottom. All the same. Meh. 60-1 the, um, opposition #

@jleyden good point. Far too many Oval draws in past 5 years here. Which would work well for Aussies #ashes #

Sun out now at The Oval, Glamorgan (aha!) flagging on 116-4. Unfortunate red wine spilage incident nearby #

Booze taken a bit if a stranglehold. Bad light as well. V gloomy over The Oval. Mr Ramps looks buff, I believe. 169-5 Glamorgan #

@mazlaws oi oi - where are you sitting? Pavilion v busy #

All very gloomy looking out towards ye olde London town. St Paul’s fading on the skyline. Expecting rain soon. 182-5 Glouc / Glam #

Off for rain at The Oval. Pitch inspection at 6:45. Could be a late finish. Apologies to all Surrey Members for my toilet incident #

Oh dear. Kenny Kennington (man in dog costume) is breakdancing to some Elvis on the #ashes wicket. Raining again. Not looking good for play #

A***. Raining again at The Oval. Covers are on. England football in Long Room looks likely #

In other news: just been given a Rico box set whilst sitting in the pavilion. Blimey. Ah covers are coming off #

Bugger. We’re off for rain again at The Oval. 59 for no loss, the ‘rrey #

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Mr Ramps batting at The Oval. Bugger. I’ll miss this when we’re gone #

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I have some very distressing news. We are out of booze at The Oval. Bugger #

Hilarious. Non Member in the Member’s Pavilion thought he would break tradition and attempt Mexican wave. Ended up pouring pint over himself #

Surrey win. Off to snog Mr Ramps #

In the Long Room. Life is good #

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Rampin’

Jase » 10 August 2009 » In cricket, south london » 6 Comments

There has been no end of twaddle written about Mark Ramprakash in the past twenty-four hours, and I’m not about to bring an end to the nonsense endorsing the Great Man.

I’ve been watching Mr Ramps for eight summers now. It’s been a glorious period for me personally, on par with the balmy days of Clough, Pearce and Walker watching at Trentside. It has been a cricketing period in my life so enjoyable, that it has actually masked a slow, structural decline of Surrey as a leading County side.

Mr Ramps has carried Surrey single-handedly for almost a decade now. It’s no coincidence that the team suffered when the master batsman had a rare loss of form last summer, as the pressure mounted for his prestigious 100th century.

Job done, and it was back to business with three columns needed on the Surrey scorecard once again each time Mr Ramps strolled out to the crease.

But can this form be transferred over to the final Test of the Ashes series at The Oval next week, an atmosphere that is over-spilling with tension, over-hyped and not to mention a fair selection of over-rated players performing for both teams?

Probably not.

Seven years since he was last given an England cap on the fateful New Zealand tour of 2002, the Ramps for The Oval bandwagon is already rolling at full pace. Surrey batting coach Alec Stewart has given the Great Man his full support; @Aggercricket has hinted that he is in favour of a one-off recall. Even Test selector Geoff Miller has confirmed that nothing has been ruled in, nothing has been ruled out.

The optimist within would cite the Indian Summer that Mr Ramps has been enjoying for the past seven seasons. Watching Ramps at close quarters in SE11 each week and you get a sense of the dedication and commitment of the man when it comes to batting.

He patiently makes his way to the crease, never rushed, always aware that he has a job to do that will require his complete concentration for probably a full day out there with his bat. Early runs are difficult to come by. This is deliberate, as Mr Ramps is happy to block for the first forty-five minutes or so of play. He is after a feel of the ball, getting his feet positioned correctly for the wicket, and just generally getting a sense for the occasion and conditions.

It is only with around thirty runs on the board that attention then turns to translating this early salvo into a big score. Here is where the true class starts to show through. All the observations from the previous hour are put into practise, knowing how the field is set up and then how best to exploit it.

Watching Mr Ramps during this period of play shows you what can be achieved by a thirty-nine year-old athlete, still at the top of profession, benefiting from combining talent with experience. What a man.

Observing from the boundary at Croydon on Saturday as Mr Ramps converted his tentative start to 74 not out at the close of play, suggested that this is indeed the finest batsman on County circuit right now. But there is one hell of a huge leap from taking the applause of a couple of hundred Surrey Member’s around the boundary at the Whitgift, to performing in front of 23,000 ‘tired and emotional’ partisan supporters over five days at The Oval.

Working in his favour is that Mr Ramps feels at home in South London. This is a comfort that can’t be underestimated. Cricket is a game of routine and conformity, played out in the mind, as much as it is within the body.

Mr Ramps would wake up in his own bed (um, one would hope…) know his exact route to the ground, greet the County officials on the door, feel comfortable within his own dressing room and know how The Oval as a sporting arena functions, all down to the finer arrangements of the catering arrangements and what works best for him.

But can his body take it for five days of punishing cricket that will ultimately decide the fate of The Ashes? Batting isn’t the problem; being stuck out on the boundary for the best part of two days is a bit of an issue. Ramps’ watchers have enjoyed greatly of late witnessing the Great Man practise his golf swing out at deep fine leg. I don’t think this will be tolerated on day five of The Oval Ashes match.

My fear is that Mr Ramps will be used as a scapegoat for those that have failed before him. Pick Ramps rather than Bopara or Bell and the English cricket fans are appeased. Three cheers and another Trafalgar Square bus trip should it all work out; should it fail and the cry of we told you so is the escape clause for the selectors, deflecting attention away from their own long term, structural inefficiency.

A weekend away in Croydon playing for your County is altogether a very different form of the game when compared to the fifth and final deciding Ashes Test of the summer. It’s almost on par with the gulf between T20 and the County game. You pick specialist players for each format, and the Ashes are no different.

The heart said get behind the rolling Mr Ramps bandwagon. The head said don’t touch it, mate. Walk away, preferably to deep fine leg with your golf swing, and keep your reputation in tact.

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Crap Match Report

Jase » 02 August 2009 » In cricket » No Comments

Close of play, day three: Surrey 311-2, Leicestershire 593-5dec (Surrey 4pts, Leics 4pts)

Right - work done for the afternoon. Off to catch the final session of play at The Oval. C’mon the ‘rrey! #

Sitting in the sun in the Peter May stand, pint in hand, awaiting the return of Mr Ramps after tea. Happy days #

Bell rung in Long Room. Members are stirred. Meanwhile in Peter May, couple have either collapsed from booze, or are administering felatio #

My presence in the Peter May has brought down the average age to 72. Waiting for Godot at fine leg #

Couple of gents sitting in Montpellier Club seats at The Oval. Cost: £1.5k per anum. I’d expect felatio thrown in for free. 214-2 Surrey #

Strategic move to top tier of the pavilion. No sun in Peter May and now got #ashes on behind me in Surrey library. Ramps blocking all afto #

10 overs since tea & the best it has got has been a solitary boundary from Mr Ramps. Strange chap in front of me is Reading Delia Smith book #

Delia Smith story reminds me of chap at Trent Bridge Test who brought his jazz mag collection into ground for communal reading. Um no thanks #

Drinks break at The Oval. Doubt if Leic are on the same 50p out of date cans of Carling that are keeping me going. 246-2 the ‘rrey #

150 up for Mr Ramps. What a man! This is a batting wicket, make no mistake. Expect fun & games if #ashes are to be won at The Oval again #

Meanwhile looking down on the Peter May stand and it’s bare chests ahoy! Felatio is still continuing. Either that or definite booze collapse #

Now this gets interesting. Taylor, the double centurian teenager from yesterday, is having a bowl at Mr Ramps. Sourcerer and his apprentice #

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Crap Match Report

Jase » 01 August 2009 » In cricket » No Comments

Close of play, day two: Leicestershire 593-5 dec (Surrey 1pt, Leics 4pts)

Off to The Oval. Any takers? #

Surrey struggling, with Leic on 409-5. First pint of the day for me. Not such a struggle #

Weather holding at The Oval, bladder not. 422-5 Leic #

No sign of a declaration yet for Leic. Mr Ramps cutting a sorry figure out by the boundary #

Mr Ramps is now practising his golf swing out at deep cover. Sums up the excitement for Surrey. 449-5 Leic #

Slow afternoon at The Oval. Golf swings have been replaced by yoga exercises out on boundary. Can’t see Sir Geoffrey doing it back in day #

Dutoit taken one for the team, down below. Curiously umpire wants a piece of the action, offering a hands on approach down below. 463-5 #

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500 up for Leic. No sign of any enthusiasm in the Surrey field. Somehow managed to lose @cabbiescapital. How did that happen? Empty here #

Sun’s out at The Oval. Leic players aren’t. 554-5 #

200 up for Taylor. Wonderful innings. 594-5. Now then, about that declaration… #

Surrey have just declared Leicestershire. Seriouly. Got bored and buggered off. 593-5. Rain seems to have passed us by. Sunny South London #

Umpires are back out after tea at The Oval. Pocket snooker seems to be sport of choice #

Bugger we’re off for rain at The Oval. Good call, @cabbiescapital. Surrey just not up for it today #

Test match wicket at The Oval more concern to ground staff than current wicket. Sums up all that us wrong with club right now #

The Test match hessian rug, when rolled up, looks rather like a very big knob #

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Crap Match Report

Jase » 12 July 2009 » In cricket, south london » No Comments

Surrey 386, Kent 509-5 (Kent 8pts, Surrey 5pts,) Day 3 of 4.

Staring at Mark Ramprakash’s backside, right up on the boundary #

Lone bare chested bloke at The Oval boozing on the Special Brew. Blimey #

@surreycricket plenty of support for the England save from the sunny Peter May stand. More concerned about Jarsveld running away with it #

Legenary Surrey ace face, Lobby, is on fine form. His booze soaked roar can be heard all around The Oval #

Any side boasting Butcher, Batty, Ramprakash, Collins, Tudor & Gunter should be a half decent championship side. Not down here in S London #

Oh dear - Dr A has dozed off at The Oval. Dark skies now overhead. 338-4 Kent, chasing down Surrey’s 386 #

And with imaculate afternoon Oval timing, it’s the return of the cricket hiccups #

Mr Ramps is either practising his hook shot, or wishing he was teeing off on the 18th. Bit of boundary boredom. 342-4 Kent. C’mon the ‘rrey #

Can’t decide if bloke behind me is dead or made of wax. 357-4 Kent #

Special Brew bloke at The Oval has just waved a soiled pair of White (ish) Y-fronts in the air. No one battered an eyelid. 359-4 Kent #

Tricky session for Surrey coming up. Van Jarsveld looking dangerous for Kent on 74. Dr A has got her work folders out. Disappointing. 414-4 #

Half pints - they’re the unwanted birthday presents of the booze world #

Gunter Nel is not a bad 12th man for Surrey to bring into the field. Game running away though with Kent on 434-4 #

Ton up for Van Jaarsveld. Yet to see him bat a poor innings here at The Oval. Fifth century against the ‘rrey, 446-4 Kent #

Dark clouds descending over The Oval. Reassuring to see Surrey librarian sitting behind us wearing a cardigan #

We’re off for bad light at The Oval. 468-4 Kent. Tough day at office for the ‘rrey. 4 centurians & 2 ducks. Into the Long Room for #ashes #

Back from The Oval. Now then, what’s this #ashes business all about? #

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