Crap Match Report

Surrey Vs Essex, County Championship, Division Two, Surrey 1st Innings 293 for 5 (96.0 overs)

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To The Oval! …after luncheon on Sunday for the first Surrey home match of the season.

And whaddyaknow – the Brown Caps were only playing bloody Essex.

It seems that I have seen the ‘rrey take on the Essex slappers every other week for the past five years. I still have a slight man crush on Graham Napier, mind.

But blessed be a Surrey Member right now.

WHAT A TIME TO BE ALIVE, etc with Sangakarra and KP both at the crease, a mere five minutes walk right from my front door. They could have delayed the afternoon session slightly to counter my predictable lateness.

I took up my place at the top of the Pavilion with the ‘rrey on 92-1. Rory Burns soon racked up his half century.

Concentration was slightly tricky both out in the middle and on the piss in the Pavilion. Oh the irony of TfL’s Quietway construction along the Harleyford Road drowning out the @surreycricket commentary in my earpiece.

I decided to drown it all out with some cheapo LIDL lager.

It was thirsty work to be honest. My BOOZE appetite just wasn’t there. It was BLOODY COLD.

The Essex slappers were finding it hard work bowling at the ‘rrey. Monty was introduced to the attack to try and spin it to win it.

Ta for coming fella, etc.

Mr Monty did manage to take the wicket of Rory Burns for an impressive 78. This set up the Surrey dream team of Sangakkara and KP both out in the middle.

I’m not sure who was Arthur and who was Martha. But to have the two leading batsmen in the world, playing in my home patch, in a Division Two Championship game in mid-April was pretty amazing.

Timing was everything for Sangakkara with his bat. It was the same for me with the booze as I managed to neck another can of LIDL lager just before the tea break.

I explored the Pavilion slightly as I tried to sober up. Every season something seems to change, yet the grand occasion of entering The Oval always seems to retain the magic.

The Museum has had something of a facelift over the winter months. Many new artefacts have been introduced. The highlight must be the new heaters which did the business for me as I took a seat for five minutes to try and warm up.

I watched most of the final session from the Long Room. The Arsenal vs Chelsea match was being screened and I had a bit of online bobbins to catch up with.

From within the gated enclosure [oooh] of the Long Room it was still reassuring to hear Lobby and the Peter May pissheads deliver their first C’MON THE ‘RREY! roar of the summer.

More of the same over the coming months.

Starting tomorrow morning, actually.

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