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To Sunny Colch! …on Saturday afternoon for the second Colchester Free Festival, staged in the splendour of Castle Park. As I had to carefully explain to @AnnaJCowen on the Wivenhoe FUN Express train - all that you need to know is that this is a FESTIVAL, being staged in COLCHESTER and whaddya know: it’s FREE.

Splendid.

This was the “difficult second album” syndrome for the Free Festival, something that Ben Howard of the festival team explained to me later in the day. The unexpected and triumphant success of last summer had led to much expectation second time around.

Could the Sunny Colchester kids pull it off? Is Bob Russell a self-styled arts philistine?

Um…

Much of the early morning was spent cloud busting. It was a big gamble to shift the festival to the Bank Holiday weekend. Mr BBC Weather Man seemed to have doomed the event on Friday night, with a big black blob of BLEURGHHH hovering over Britain’s Oldest Recorded.

Never trust a weatherman wearing an over-sized suit is the mantra in which I live my life. He’s probably got something to hide down below the waistline, and is no doubt trying to divert your attention away with meteorological myths of Biblical flooding at the Free Festival.

I put on my Speedos as an act of defiance, and invited the locals to rub factor 50 in all the places where Mr BBC Weatherman wanted you to stay away from. I wasn’t alone in my actions, but that’s enough about my bruncheon at The Minories - what about the Free Festival, I hear you ask?

With four main stage areas, you needed a map to negotiate your rites of passage. @AnnaJCowen and I stumbled across the Castle Stage first, found a vantage point and then settled down for the next six hours, assuming that this was the Main Stage.

It was only at around the time that the sun was setting over Castle Park that we realised that we had missed most of the Free Festival.

Only joking.

It was clear early on that the fears of a Bank Holiday wipeout weren’t justified. Half of Colchester had come out to have some fun, celebrating the magnificence that is Castle Park, and keen to put aside the misconception that culture in Colchester can best be found in the Kingdom of the Wild at Colchester Zoo.

We manoeuvred down to the Main Stage, just in time to hear Ady Johnson start up his set with Pink Flamingos. Boosted by a brass and strings section, yer man Ady was also supported by a brief rainbow appearance towards the back of the park.

It started somewhere near Stanway, with the pot of gold located close to the Greenstead roundabout. Or maybe it was the Trotters Real Ale and Cider bar towards the back of the site?

Chin chin.

My plan of attack for the afternoon was to be the wandering sprit of the Free Festival. Have flip cam, mp3 recorder and SLR - will travel. Bugger that I thought as Housework, Colchester’s hardest working house band bounced on to the Main Stage to start the afternoon party.

Housework in Castle Park is 1,000 times better than housework back at base for a Saturday afternoon. Polished to perfection - and that was just the backstage toilets.

Time to wander - time to try and capture the free love feel of the Free Festival with my camera. A slight Goth photo mishap en route to the bandstand - apologies Sir. Or was it Madam?

Moving on…

The historic Castle Park bandstand has no doubt been host to many a dignified and worthy performance throughout its proud history. Adding to that list now is the rather mangled mini-rave that was in full swing come mid-afternoon.

It took me right back to my University dancehalls days underneath the podia on a Friday night. Glo sticks, grins and gabba gabba - keep close, @AnnaJCowen - you may just cop a thick ‘un.

We were caught in some generational time shift. Too old for the yoof of Generation YYY, and with no kid accessory as was required for the lovely, lovely Kidstival area.

We’ll find some sanity over with the little people, was the idea. Instead we found Daleks being chased, Digging for Victory in the makeshift beach and delightful cup cakes to add that extra afternoon energy kick.

“Head for El Buffalo Tanque” it what we had been hearing all week. What’s not to like about sustainable living with a salsa South American feel? Johnny Buffalo and his bonkers team of recruits had staged something quite special along the side of the old Castle.

Attacking armies throughout history have nothing on the crazed minds of El Tanque. I feared for the museum artefacts within Colchester Castle, laid siege with a heady mix of inter-gender mud-wrestling, fish eye galleria and burlesque.

Blimey.

It was as though Guantanamo Bay had come to Britain’s Oldest Recorded, fuelled up with strong South American alcohol to add a friendly fire approach to the madness. Either that or an overweight Slipknot tribute act had been booked in to play.

I wasn’t sure of the camera etiquette inside the burlesque tent, and given the sexual dominance of the buxom lady performer, I wasn’t going to take any chances. I was looked over for the audience participation - which is just as well, seeing as though my own Buffalo Tanque was showing some slight interest down below.

And then whaddya know - tonight Matthew, I’m going to be a burlesque dancer, aided with the very kind audience participation of a Colchester Goth.

Cripes.

The Goth gave a good show, and was very good-natured in playing along for the ride. “I don’t fancy yours much,” I whispered to @AnnaJCowen as we left the tent, trying to half-conceal my own pale faced head that was still giving me cause for concern down below.

It all got a little giddy with the gaffa tape orgy that we walked straight into. This seemed like a suitable time to try and clear our heads from all of the Mexican madness that El Tanque had corrupted us with for most of the afternoon.

As ever, I blame the Bike Guru - I would gladly have wrestled the bike spanner waving bloke, had I not been too busy trying to record the current contest, and failing miserably to capture any of the actual wrestling action.

A healthy recuperation was found at the Hollytrees Stage, with a David Essex look-alike (pre-Eastenders) performing the Ballad of John and Yoko. That’s not something that you are likely to see down the road at V Festival.

A charming chat with the folk from Colchester Circle, and then Wivenhoe’s Moving Image by the @15QueenStreet bus, and then CAV OK came-a-calling back down by the Main Stage.

But what about some Animal Noise first? Nope - nothing to do with Goths and giving head, but the remarkable power trio of unlikely local lads that were adding some acoustic folk energy (seriously) to the main stage.

I’ve come across Animal Noise before @15QueenStreet. Playing a hush hush unplugged front room gig, the rising stars of the Colchester scene apologised for keeping it quiet. Truth to be told and the Noise Abetment folk almost came round.

These boys can ROCK.

But only in an acoustic, mixed up messy folk type of way, you understand. Which sort of makes it all right.

We took up an ACE backstage view [get you] and saw at first hand just how to work a Colchester crowd, who were clearly loving the noise being made by… Animal Noise.

Headliners next year, I tell ya.

The Funk Soul Brothers backstage seemed to be having the most fun of the afternoon behind the Main Stage DJ booth. You can’t beat a good bit of skanking on a Saturday afternoon. It was infectious stuff, and I confess to skanking my way all over to the toilet portakbain.

I met en route young Ben Tyler, genuine guitar hero of CAV OK, the band who had the unenviable task of following Animal Noise. I asked Ben about his latest release, which was about to be made in a portakabin backstage.

Boom boom.

Definitely not toilet humour, but still squeaky clean bum time was my catch up with the good @nickjbarlow, the Colchester Borough Councillor for Castle ward. Nick is very supportive of the Free Festival - he is also partial to a little foot tapping whilst doing the semi-politico talk.

Enough of the very good Cllr, what about the slightly more than OK CAV OK?

CAV OK have a considerable following and it’s easy to see why. The boys in black (well, three fifths) look the part as much as they sound. I lost @AnnaJCowen during the set, knowing that the girl had drifted off into her rock star fantasy world. You have more chance with the David Essex look-alike, luv.

Follow that, Modern English. Or even back to Ben Howard, first…

And then with perfect hyperlocal comic timing, just as the homecoming headline heroes of Modern English were set to play their most important Colchester gig in more than three decades, @AnnaJCowen and I had to bugger off back to base to feed the cat.

Whoops.

All aboard the Wivenhoe FUN Express once again, and we reflected upon the afternoon that had just played out. The Colchester Free Festival is better than the Lambeth Show - this is HIGH praise indeed.

In just two years the festival has found its own identity, sticking with a fearsome local approach that is clearly appealing to the good folk of Colchester. The energy of the local music scene, accommodating the kids and even El Tanque - this is a festival that can only take place at Castle Park.

Many many thanks to all those who volunteered to help entertain - Ben Howard, Andy Winmill, Marc De’ath, Lee Carter, Jo Caldwell, Johnny Buffalo, Jonathan Doyle, Nial Harrington, Lee Pugh and a whole army of others, some of whom may *or may not* be Goths.

Mr BBC Weather Man never did get to lob his great big black blob of BLEURGHHH all over Britain’s Oldest Recorded. Sunshine and smiles, all the way until next summer, folks.

Splendid.

Full flickr feed over here.

OK, Comrades - so here’s the calling card to signify that THE biggest weekend is almost upon us. I have some grubby fivers stashed away in the arse end of my jeans, a fridge full of Special Brew (blimey) and a weekend away ticket back to the mean streets of South London.

Only joking.

There is something of a mini May Fair fringe weekend, dahhhling, becoming established around Wivenhoe this year. Wilds horses wouldn’t keep me away - or even pneumonia, as is the case for a close friend that is coming to recuperate from a recent run of ill health by taking part in the Wivenhoe Run.

Good luck, fella.

But why wait until Bank Holiday Monday for all the madness to begin? The May Fair Fringe (NOT a haircut and NOT a phrase that you would be wise to repeat at The Station come closing time) starts on Thursday.

Where can you look for the highest cultural delights that can be found within Wivenhoe during a weekend when the whole town looks likely to fall over before the Bank Holiday comes crashing down?

How about some poetry?

Cripes.

Poetry Wivenhoe (or is it poetry wivenhoe, poetrywivenhoe or even poetrywivenhoe? These literary adjustments matter to the wordsmiths, apparently…) are putting on The Joy of Six.

I’ll ‘av a bit of that, thank you very much.

“The Joy of Six offer much more than a traditional poetry reading. Their vibrant multivoice performances blend five very different voices and styles into a seamless, unpredictable whole. Their style has been likened to a great jazz quintet, only with voices.”

Upstairs at The Greyhound, and another grubby fiver on the door should gain you entry on Thursday evening from 8pm.

The good folk of the Bookshop are staging the second of their Unplugged nights on Friday. This doesn’t mean a book reading with no words, but a very, very intimate acoustic performance in the back room across the sofa.

Hot Club / Tub Gitane will be performing, ahead of an appearance at the May Fair itself on the Sunrise Stage:

“The extraordinary Hot Club Gitane are purveyors of Manouche Jazz (Gypsy Jazz), and play an intriguing melange of Hot Club de Paris swing (Django / Grappelli) and French / German cafe standards of the 1930s / 1940s (Edith Piaf / Marlene Dietrich).”

Smells Like Teen spirit ropey covers probably aren’t included in the set. My sources tell me that only a few tickets are remaining, on sale at the Bookshop for the bargain price of a fiver.

But it’s not all about Gypsy Jazz.

Phew - Rock’n Roll and all that, which brings us nicely to Saturday evening and the Moving Image screening of The Runnaways. Billed as “an in-your-face look at teenage life and the rock scene in the 1970′s” - the setting of the Philip Road Centre seems perfect.

Essentially the story of Joan Jett, expect sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll. But probably not on the back row of the Philip Road Centre.

Assuming that the pneumatic friend is still standing, then it’s time to sit down once again on Sunday afternoon. Moving Image is staging a double bill, a feat in itself that requires stamina of epic rock ‘n roll proportions.

Separado! and Oil City Confidential are being screened, in a carefully thought out mini May Fair season of films that seems to fit the mood perfectly.

But sometimes you just need to get back to the music, man. Which is why I plan to shoot off down The Station (steady) sometime on Sunday evening to catch the very good Mr Mule and friends performing some Beatles covers.

Ace.

“There is a Beatle-ish gig at The Station Hotel, night before the May Fair. Probably about 8 to 8.30. I must point out here, that this is not MY band per se. It’s a fun occasional project. There are five of us, Roddy, Darryl, Dan, Phil and me. What we do, as we did for one night only last Christmas, is to try and recreate about 20 Beatle songs, from the entire canon, 1963 -1969, as accurately as we can.”

Well shake it on baby now, etc.

Which all leaves the rather minor event of May Fair itself on Monday. The line-up of local artists is impressive. Ady Johnson is the rising star of the Sunny Colch circuit. The former Fuzzface singer looks set for wider recognition, and so now is a good time to catch him in Wivenhoe.

CAV OK are a little more than OK, and Housework are a damn hard working and tight funk rock band. Local lad Lou Terry on the Sunrise Stage should also be put aside as a time to take it easy on the Special Brew and appreciate this incredibly special local talent.

Elsewhere around the site (oh OK - the KGV then…) and you’ll find Moving Image and Transition Town Wivenhoe working together and showing a series of locally produced films, all powered by the Revolutionary Pedal Powered Cinema.

The Open Mic stage is brought to you by the same good folk who have made such a success of late of the Open Mic nights down at the Black Buoy. Any local performers wanting to do a turn (oooh) should sign up from midday when the stage opens.

Stalls of course will be aplenty. Some will be selling ethical, worthy and rather worthless tat, but hey - it’s got to be better than a burger van. Some will be selling wonderful local Wivenhoe produce and deserve your loose change (hellooo Wivenhoe in Bloom.)

Others will be selling booze. You should pitch yer tent up here.

If you still want more (more? MORE?) then I’m sure you can navigate your way around to the back door entrances of the well know watering holes around Wivenhoe. I’ve been told that many will have a local’s only policy later in the evening - which may make it a little inbred, but yeah, I’m up for that as well.

And so that’s the Wivenhoe May Fair fringe weekend. If pulling a sickie at 7am on Tuesday morning is required, consider coming down to the KGV at 10am to help out with the clean up.

Oh yeah - *cough* Bowie, Comrades…

Rumours of the demise of the esteemed organ of truth and justice that is The Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe Chronicle are as premature as rumours of the demise of my king size courgette.

Sure, it took a bit of a battering the other day (courgette, not the Chronicle) but both still stand proud and mighty; both equally respected as they are eagerly awaited once a fortnight.

Recent conversations around the town have led to some doubt about the future of The Chronicle. Wivenhoe is built upon rumour and assumptions. If you were to dig a big hole at the foot of Black Buoy Hill, you’d find buried away some of the many myths that have been doing the rounds over the centuries, usually after an afternoon spent boozing away.

Is there a Roman bath along Bath Street? Is Bowie the *shhh* secret headliner for May Fair? Has the Chronicle chronicled local life around these parts for the very last time?

Two out of three ‘aint bad, my lovelies…

And so with a rusty squeak of the old letterbox, and a cheerful smile from Scoop as he wanders off into some magical Wivenhoe kingdom for dreamers and journos: it’s only the May 2011 edition of The Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe Chronicle.

Hurrah!

As is now customary on m’blog, I don’t give a blind man’s buff about those buggers down the road at Brightlingsea. Nice enough folk ‘n all that, but as ever, start yer own b****y hyperlocal blog, Comrades.

And so a turning of the grubby newsprint, and we’re straight in with all the local news and scandal that is fit to print about Wivenhoe. How about starting with The Local Election Results?

Oh Lordy.

Except there wasn’t any seismic change in the local political landscape in the May elections that have just passed. Smiling Councillor Steve Ford continues to smile away down at the Quay, doing his #workingforwivenhoe red flag waving. His Comrade in the Colchester coalition (cripes) - the young man about town Councillor Mark Cory - kept his LibDem seat up at the Cross.

Wivenhoe Town Council meanwhile is left with two spanners short of a full toolbox, with two new Councillors needed for co-option to complete the full quota of thirteen.

Scoop reports:

“At Wivenhoe, Steve Ford, Labour, comfortably retained the town’s Quay ward, securing 1,279 votes, more than double that of his nearest rival, the Conservative candidate Mercedes Mussard [ACE name.]

Waving the simple sword of truth and the trusty shield of British fair play, Scoop adds:

“It was an exceptionally good achievement by this particularly active Labour candidate, once described by the Deputy Prime Minister Harriet Harman during one of her visits as being one of the hardest working local councillors in the region.”

Hear, hear (to the hardest working, and not in praise of the fragrant Hattie. Phew.)

But don’t just look at little Wivenhoe; nope - move up the map and towards the bigger picture of the Cross. The Chronicle reports:

“Across much of the country there were dismal results for the Liberal Democrats, but in the Wivenhoe Cross ward, Mark Cory, the young 23 year old candidate [easy, ladies] helped to stem the tide against his party, retaining the seat with the support of 673 votes.”

It of course helped the cause of the “young” Cllr Cory (what is this - a Grace Brothers sitcom?) that the #workingforwivenhoe red flag flying comrades pretty much deserted the locals during the campaign, concentrating on the campus instead.

Whoops.

To complete the local political picture, the Chronicle lead concludes:

“There was no election for places on Wivenhoe Town Council as only ten candidates stood for the thirteen available seats.”

It was actually eleven candidates, but then that simple sword of truth and the trusty shield of British fair play probably got lost down a back seat at The Greyhound.

Passing over all the Brightlingsea puff, and then on p.2 we come across:

Art and Poetry in the Trenches.

Walk it like you talk it, Comrades:

“A one day course entitled Art and Poetry in the Trenches, presented by Graham Slimming and Colin Padgett, will be run by the WEA in Wivenhoe next month. This course will be held on 11th June at the Congregational Hall, from 10:30am to 4pm.”

Janice Allen on 824470 secures you a booking.

My eyes were momentarily fixed upon the big blueness that is the advert for Brightlingsea Open Air Swimming Pool as the p.3 pin up. I am historically a man suited to an outdoor aquatic lifestyle. Fifteen summers have been spent swimming in unheated lidos.

I spent one spring afternoon walking past the Brightlingsea Open-Air Pool / oversized duck pond, and thought, nah - that’s no pool, my friends: that’s a large hole in the ground with a bit of a drainage situation.

There’s Plenty of Entertainment at the May Fair [*cough* Bowie] is the p.4 headline. It’s pretty much a run through of the May Fair Committee press release, covering the fact that a rather ace line up including Ady Johnson (see) local lad Lou Terry (MUST see) Cav OK (pals) and Housework (hardest working band in, um, Sunny Colch) will all be helping you to get tired and emotional at the KGV, come Bank Holiday Monday.

Pages 10 and 11 cover a couple of lovely, lovely local stories, which although haven’t been picked up the nationals, they certainly represent the charm and quality in which the Chronicle is so respected for locally.

Hearing Dogs for Deaf People… is all about the Hearing Day Centre which runs a weekly hearing clinic at the lovely Wivenhoe Eyecare. The target of £5,000 has just been reached to help sponsor a hearing dog:

“The centre has been raising funds over several years for Hearing Dogs for Deaf People, through donations from its clients, and larger events such as golf days.”

Meanwhile, Deans’ Nursery and Garden Centre Celebrates Fifty Years of Trading pretty much Tells It Like It Is in the headline for a story with a very proud local Wivenhoe history:

“In the late 1950s two young brothers, having just completed a horticultural course at the Writtle Agricultural College near Chelmsford, started to grow outdoor tomatoes in Wivenhoe. The brothers, Anthony and Steve Dean, son of the Wivenhoe GP, the late Dr William Dean, ran this modest enterprise behind the old cemetery just off Belle View Road.”

The business is now based on the Harwich Road at Great Bromley. It is managed by Sarah Dean, the granddaughter of Dr Dean. It may be a puff piece of advertorial, but it’s a lovely read in The Chronicle, rightfully celebrating half a century of trading from a local business.

An Afternoon Upstairs with Martin Newell on p.12 once again tells you all you need to know. With locally baked cakes being promised upstairs at The Greyhound on the afternoon of 11th June, tickets are selling like… hot cakes. Seriously - get yourself down to the Bookshop for a £4 bargain.

Wivenhoe’s Funny Farm for this Thursday (26th) gets a plug on p.15.

“Headliner is the outrageous Californian comic Scott Capurro, familiar to watchers of 8 out of 10 cats. MC will be Wivenhoe’s very own [and most splendid] Hazel Humphreys. The show starts at the Cricket Club at 8pm with £6 on the door.”

And finally…

Mrs. Ackroyd at the Wivenhoe Folk Club.

Cripes.

“On 2nd June, Wivenhoe Folk Club are hosting Mrs. Ackroyd as their main guests. Mrs. Ackroyd is a band, not a person.”

Blimey.

It is this type of bonkers news in brief that separates the wheat from the chaff, and also separates the exceedingly splendid Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe Chronicle from some of the crap that gets pushed our way via the nationals.

The Chronicle may be in rude health, but that’s a fine position in which to preach from.

The Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe Chronicle is distributed free amongst local households. Additional copies are 25p from local newsagents.