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To the Town Council Offices on Monday evening for an eve of Solstice pagan sacrifice, aka as a Wivenhoe Town Council monthly meeting. Peace, love and understanding were in the estuary air, and so was a Conservative Borough Councillor.

Cripes.

Suited and booted (me, not the Conservative Borough Councillor) and arriving fashionably late as ever, it was standing room only around the top civic table. I perched my backside strategically on the edge of the Press table, sitting on the fence and waiting to hear all about parking problems and dog pooh.

Eleven fine members of the public were left scrambling for seats for THE hot ticket in town that night. Bell ringing practice in Wivenhoe is on Wednesdays, Comrades.

Joining the Little People was a rare and welcome appearance from LibDem Councillor Manning of the Cross ward, Conservative Councillor Quarrie of the Quay and the ever present, ever smiling Councillor Ford, Labour’s red flag waving #workingforwivenhoe Comrade also from the Quay.

It’s not quite Never the Twain, but the political hot potato that was on everyone’s lips was when the chuffers will the Borough Councillors get it on with the Town Councillors?

Concern has been expressed by the UNPAID Town Councillors that communication with the big boys and girls of the Borough is not flowing quite as frequently as perhaps it should.

With Section 106 wonga floating around in Wivenhoe - a classic you scratch my back brown envelope time - the Town Councillors want to make sure that Borough Councillors are singing from the same St Mary’s Wivenhoe hymn sheet.

“Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always.”

And whilst yer at it, let’s chuck some cash from the Cook’s payback fund on a much needed new zebra crossing outside of the Co-op, Comrades.

It’s a fun filled life being a Borough Councillor. Sacrifices have to be made, and we’re not talking about the Solstice shindig on the muddy banks of the Colne either. Friday night has been put aside as a possible timeslot when Never the Twain will divvy up the local dosh.

Phew, rock ‘n roll.

A bit of local admin, and then we were straight in with Reports from the Borough and County Councillors.

It’s all about accountability, I tell ya…

Councillor Young, Labour’s representative on Essex County Council (seriously) was unavailable, but had kindly submitted a written report:

“New ways of working with Highways should make it easier for 20mph zones to be introduced around both schools in Wivenhoe. I have been in constant dialogue with Tracy Chapman, the Highways advisor on this.”

Hurrah!

Hang on - Tracy Chapman? 20mph? Talk about a Fast Car, etc.

Sticking with the #workingforwivenhoe Comrades, and Councillor Ford of the Quay was next to address the meeting:

“I called in the planning application for Rectory Hill. I was unhappy with the visibility of the approach, and the drainage. Highways are happy with the visibility, and I have been advised that the drainage concerns are a civil matter.

My concern about the limited parking space was upheld. The developer has hastily added in four extra parking spaces. The planning application has now been passed.”

Up towards the Cross ward and our two LibDem representatives have also been busy with congestion. A rare absence from Councillor Cory (pressing matters on the Policy Panel) but a written submission instead:

“I have been pressing the University about fixing a date for the Clingoe Hill closure ahead of the start of the Knowledge Gateway development. This has now been moved to the start of the summer holidays, to try and limit the congestion. I still expect we will have one - two weeks of aggravation.”

And then some.

Defying the #workingforwivenhoe election period claims that *ahem* “no LibDems are in Wivenhoe,” the Love Me I’m a Liberal lot then had safety in numbers with Councillor Manning of the Cross ward offering up his report to the Town Council:

“I am now sitting on the Planning Committee at Colchester Borough Council. NOTHING will get through.”

Cripes.

“I also have a new notebook to keep track of all the potholes that continue to appear.”

Yeah, and possibly a pitch to become a Glum Councillor as well.

Fine work, though fella.

It’s not quite a case of shuffling the deckchairs on the Titanic, but Conservative Councillor Quarrie of the Quay reported:

“I have been moved off Planning and now sit on Licensing.”

Which must be bad news for the 24/7 nightclub that I had planned for the Quay.

“Parking around the Cook’s development remains a key issue. The road has yet to be adopted by the County Council, which causes problems when we are trying to police it.”

Eight years and counting, my good Councillor…

Also giving cause for concern is the re-routing of the 74 bus route. Peter Kay, the Public Transport Representative explained how First Group, the current franchise operator, has sneakily slipped in a new route, which completely bypasses the town, turning off for Clacton instead.

“How ridiculous,” commented Councillor Kraft. She wasn’t alone in her observations and a polite, but purposeful letter is probably being penned from WTC right now.

The concern is that the move has been poorly advertised. Yoof may catch the bus, expecting a journey into Wivenhoe. With the sudden turn off, they could be out of town and out of funds as they speed off for an impromptu away day at the seaside.

A lengthy conversation then followed about the 20mph zone along the railway bridge at the bottom of the town. I became completely lost; I wasn’t alone.

Speaking in relation to transport matters, Peter Kay then posed the question:

“What does Wivenhoe Town Council propose to do about the annual nonsense that is the Wivenhoe May Fair?”

Cripes.

Awkward.

Having had this curveball thrown at him from across the civic chamber, Mayor Needham composed himself and offered up the reply that the May Fair Committee are working with WTC on future solutions.

Moving on…

Perhaps a bit of Planning to get the party back on track? Former Councillors Liddy and Purdey have been granted special powers (oooh!) to continue the fine work that they have started in representing WTC when it comes to all things Cook’s.

As for that old family favourite of the planned new Wivenhoe Surgery? Councillor Lodge updated with news that the deal is “far from dead.” The PCT has put the plan to the Doctor’s at the old surgery to see if they want to move forward.

Having a pre-defined national NHS policy as a framework in which to make these decisions would be nice.

Hey hoe.

In WTC Personnel news - THIS JUST IN: New litter picker James has impressed so much that he has been awarded a permanent position after the successful completion of his trial.

Hurrah!

Handling the aftermath of May Fair must have been a stern test, and one that James handled magnificently.

Onto the best bit - the Best Value Committee (aka secretly as the pre-WTC prepping meet where the real Council business is decided - behind closes doors - or so the suggestion has been made to me…)

Anyone been to Stanway of late? Apart from offering up a most splendid jazz club, my knowledge of our Colchester near neighbours is somewhat limited. This is all about to change, with WTC proposing to adopt the Stanway system of committees for local governance. The buggers better have the ACE Working Woods Party.

Back to Wivenhoe however, and in a turkeys voting for Christmas move, WTC agreed unanimously to foot the bill to pay for Mayoral badges for ex-Mayor’s.

Mmm…

It’s a badge of honour, and probably on balance one that is a worthy memento for the UNPAID work of Wivenhoe Town Councillors during their hectic year of civil service.

A slight shuffle along the press bench, and it was here that I made my strategic switch to *shhh* the Conservative hot seat.

Cripes.

All the best parties finally kick into action as the night closes in, and as the public chamber emptied and m’Conservative friend departed to ponder why Wivenhoe still hasn’t got a new surgery under the inspiring leadership of the Coalition, I played musical chairs.

Mr Mayor updated WTC about his activities, in what has been a very busy first month in office:

“I have attended sixteen formal events in the past month. The highlights included visiting Wivenhoe Youth Hub [ditto] the parade of the 16 Air Assault Brigade through Colchester, the opening of the *shhh* Quiet Garden at Broomgove Shcool and the Helping Hands AGM.”

Pleased to report that Helping Hands appears to be in sound financial hands, thanks to some very generous donations locally.

Five points then came out of the Community Safety feedback:

(i) Inconsiderate parking remains an issue (even though WTC, after taking police advice, decided not to implement a considerate parking scheme within the town…)

(ii) The local crime figures are low. A slight increase in burglary however has been recorded. The police have suggested that this is possibly a local gang, with laptops and TV’s being the main items going missing.

(iii) Traffic routes to Cook’s Shipyard have deviated.

Eh?

It appears that companies that don’t take the designated route down Valley Road are in danger of losing their contracts. Keep yer eyes peeled around *cough* Queens Road, Comrades.

(iv) Ball games by the Medway are showing some signs for concerns. Elder kids are getting slightly enthusiastic, with the balls entering into the road.

(v) And finally Speed Watch - this is now being rolled out during the school run hours, with a focus upon Bobbitt’s Way and Elmstead Road.

A brief break for the passing around the chamber of the official civic spearmints (receipts available for inspection on request) and then whaddya know - apt timing and Finance.

Quotes are being sourced for a possible asbestos survey for the William Loveless Hall toilets. It’s a dirty job, but someone’s got to do it, etc.

In Correspondence news and an appeal for support from WTC for the emerging Radio Wivenhoe group has been received. This is not necessarily financial, but an endorsement.

Granted, with Mr Mayor proudly declaring:

“This is a positive feature for Wivenhoe. It is an aid for further communication and helps to promote the town. We earnestly support Radio Wivenhoe.”

Splendid.

Someone should sign that man up for a guest spot on Wiv Chat.

Oh, hang on…

A rallying call then went out for players to take part in the annual Town Cricket Match on the evening of 13th July at Rectory Road. The official civic quotation that came out on the evening is:

“WE WANT TO WACK THEM.”

Cripes.

Any Other Business?

With the Ten Acres development looking likely to start soon, a new access road will be in place within Wivenhoe. Peter Hill has formally suggested naming this in memory of Dr Ted Palmer.

Plus no WTC meeting can be complete without the perennial Engine Shed rumour.

HONK!!!!

Massive rumour alert: minuted, but not necessarily economical with the truth, the continual pub gossip of the old Engine Shed being bought up by a developer wrapped up the meeting.

Any views?

A stunned silence filled the chamber.

Time for that pagan sacrifice in the Network Rail car park, Comrades?

And so it seems that the Wivenhoe Secret Millionaire, the mystery Mr X who wanted to donate £1.4m to help improve Broad Lane, has taken his ball and gone back home.

And who can blame him?

@TheGazette is reporting that the anonymous benefactor has put his generous offer “on hold because of residents’ apathy.”

Oh Lordy. Where to start here?

I’m always weary of anonymous benefactors. I’m not doubting the existence of Mr X’s millions, but for Wivenhoe residents to return the goodwill and show something other than apathy, then something more tangible needed to be put in place.

What exactly were we supposed to be backing in the first place?

There has been a huge time investment behind the scenes by the incredibly hard-working team that somehow manages to keep Wivenhoe Town FC punching above its weight. To understand how this enthusiasm has been met with such a wall of apathy in the town is not easy to understand.

I would argue that Mr X should have been more transparent to Wivenhoe locals. £1.4m is an incredibly generous donation. To dangle it in front of the town - but without any quantitative means to demonstrate the level of support in return - was clearly a mistake.

“The benefactor wanted to see if there was a will from the community,” was the only means in which to measure our interest. This was the message that came out of the packed public meeting held at the William Loveless Hall back in October.

Parameters should have been put in place that would pass the requirements of Mr X. What level of will exactly was he looking for in Wivenhoe? Pub gossip that this was a good idea? Some form of formal show of support? One thousand folk turning up to a community football match open day?

I personally have been very positive about the scheme ever since that first meeting back in October. But apart from bangin’ on about it on m’blog, or trying to navigate and make sense of the broadlanefuture.com website, I’m not entirely sure what other avenues were available for me to register my interest.

The publicity and PR has sadly been lost. Yep, we’re a sleepy estuary town, but it doesn’t mean that we are off the Essex news radar - witness the the screaming headlines that the May Fair non-story was able to generate.

The Chronicle rightly led with Mr X after the first meeting, but where to next to show your support? A follow up meeting was promised by the end of the year. Christmas came and went, and apart from a presence at the St Mary’s Christmas lights turn on, it appears that Broad Lane Future disappeared.

May Fair of course would have been the main calendar event in which Wivenhoe locals could register a show of support for Mr X. I was rather tired and emotional for most of the afternoon, but I didn’t see or hear anything about Broad Lane Future during my lost wanderings.

The broadlanefuture.com website itself sadly made it difficult to put across any positive show of support. When you are eventually able to find some meaningful content, it’s not exactly acting as a flag waver for Broad Lane Future:

“What kind of a website is this where there is only voting on what developments you want?

What about all the people who live on Elmstead Road who DO NOT WANT ANY DEVELOPMENT as we are well and truly sick and tired of traffic racing along this road and do not want to see ANY development taking place.”

Ouch.

Maybe the grand scheme of a possible swimming pool, a multi-use gym and a community centre etc was just too… broad for Broad Lane. Is it really what the community wants up at the top end of the town? The project hasn’t exactly been the word on the street, something that Mr X had hoped to hear after the first headlines appeared.

With the University offering a recently refurbished gym right next door, I would argue that all that is really needed in Wivenhoe is a swimming pool. Which is the exact same conversation I remember having back in 1990 during my first appearance around these parts…

Which is all such a shame because the space up at Broad Lane has plenty of potential, not to mention the unquestionable goodwill of those that are currently putting in a great deal of time and effort. The Society for Children Affected with Neurological Symptoms is now using the clubhouse during the week as a social base in which to meet.

Meanwhile:

“Some plans for the site were in the pipeline, including allotments, with a £50,000 grant application going to Essex County Council’s Big Society Fund.”

Ah - there’s no such thing as society, just… #bigsociety.

Blimey.

Is it too late for Wivenhoe to try and convince Mr X that Broad Lane has a future? Does Broad Lane have a future without Mr X? What might that be, and how the chuffers do we actually put across our views?

All questions, no answers I’m afraid.

To Broad Lane early on Friday evening, to tag along on the coat tails of the Royal Wedding bunting with a beer festival.

Blimey.

Actually, that’s not quite accurate. The Station was in our sights first, with a nuptial themed tea party / booze up taking place. The splendid Judith Chalmers popular local beat combo were playing their stuff, with a suitably wedding-tastic version of the Dark Side of the Moon adding to the happy happy joy joy sound upon our arrival.

A quick pint down at the bottom of the town, and then to the good fortune of @AnnaJCowen and I, a Broad Lane (ish) 61 bus rolled up for our convenience. It wasn’t quite the carriage of choice that the happy Establishment couple had boarded earlier in the day, but then Buckingham Palace wasn’t hosting a beer festival.

We were warmed along the route to encounter the good Mr Mayor elect hosting a garden tea party. An outrageously patriotic shirt, both equally splendid and intoxicating to the eye, was the order of the day. I’ve always said that the Town Council chamber needs livening up. Expect strobe lights ahead of the first meeting of the new administration.

A short walk along Elmstead Road, and then it was all about Broad Lane and booze. The biggest crowd of the season has assembled at the football club for the community day. We missed out on the main activity of the community football match, but soon made up for it at the bar.

Eight local Essex real ales were on offer; it would have been poor etiquette to the local economy not to sample each one. I became slightly tired and emotional after pint number three. My fourth trip to the bar led to my mental note of “hamster cage beer” to best describe the beautiful wooden aroma.

The live music was a mixed bag - lively, and both generational and genre crossing. A blues band was jamming when we arrived. This soon gave way to local Wivenhoe sensation Lou Terry - an outrageously talented local lad who was well supported by a group of yoof. A more traditional folk band brought us back down to earth. Or maybe it was the hamster cage beer?

Keeping with the Royal pageant theme, the dancing queen for the evening was a young princess wearing a tiara. Her partner was a young chap, dressed splendidly as, um, Superman. It sure beats all the Establishment costume twaddle of earlier in the day.

Another charming chat with the good Mr Chairman, and it seems that the Broad Lane vision of being opened up for all in the community to use is already being but into fruition. The Society for Children Affected with Neurological Symptoms are now using the clubhouse during the week as a social base in which to meet. Fantastic work for all involved, and hopefully the facilities can now start to expand.

And so twelve hours later after the happy Establishment couple had said “I do” in front of a worldwide audience of two billion, I repeated the same words to @AnnaJCowen in front of a Wivenhoe folk band.

“Do you want to wobble back to base?”

“Um, I do…”

Chin chin.

To the Town Council Office on Monday evening for the final meeting of Wivenhoe Town Council - nope, we’re not about to surrender citizenship to the impending city status of Colchester - there’s some serious spunk inside the folk of Wivenhoe, and then some, Comrades…

But with the ballot box looming (or not…) then this was the final farewell for the current administration. It was to be a meeting where the words “emotional“, “cowslips” and “bottoms” would all appear in the official minutes.

Blimey.

Chomping at the bit and ready for the off (and the electoral door knocking) was LibDem Councillor Cory, representing the folk of Wivenhoe Cross at Colchester Borough Council. The good councillor had very kindly given up his evening of ear bending to update WTC with recent #hyperlocal matters around his patch.

“Dog fouling behind Chainee Road has been a problem. Wivenhoe Town Council helped to re-surface this recently. Sadly some dog walkers are not so respectful.”

Rather than finger point, I rather like Cllr Cory’s approach in accentuating the positives here:

“The solution has been to approach the nearby Broomgrove School and ask if the children would like to help to make No Dog Fouling signs to put up.”

Did someone say B-b-b-b-b-big society?

Blimey.

Alternatively I feel duty bound to remind you that the charming Pet Shop Girls down at Wivenhoe Pets supply dog poop bags.

Other Cross issues from Cllr Cory included drainage problems around Broomgrove (sorted) potholes (reported) and the possibility of introducing streetlights at the Elmstead Road / Brightlingsea Road junction by the football club.

A cheeky grin and a smile towards the top table, and then the good councillor reminded WTC that he was up for re-election, and he hoped to continue the pothole and dog pooh conversation next month.

Safety in numbers, etc and so next up it was fellow LibDem colleague Councillor Manning, also of the Cross, also providing an update.

“I’ll keep this very short - I have been making sure that residents in my ward have enough black bin liners.”

Bravo.

One would hope that there is a little more meat on the bone, so to speak, in some of the election literature heading our way over the coming weeks

Peter Kay, the Public Transport Representative, then filed his report. There is the possibility of the 61 and 62 bus timetable changing in the afternoons from September through until the end of winter. This is to take into account increased public transport use during this period.

Speeding through the agenda faster than a juggernaut down Valley Road (steady) and next we were on to Planning. The lease issue continues to dominate the ongoing Cook’s Shipyard business. Progress is slow.

Something slightly more positive however when it comes to the much delayed new Health Centre for Wivenhoe. Mr Mayor updated WTC that he has held a meeting with the PCT this week, amid growing concerns that national government NHS policy changes may have a serious impact on the future of health provision in Wivenhoe - all in a non-party political sense, of course.

The outcome is something extremely positive:

“We are gathering momentum over this issue. After much delay over this project, we are hopeful of having a definitive answer in May. All is not lost and it even looks rather positive.”

That’s something to tell the electorate on the doorstep, and with immaculate timing, it was back to the day job, and back to the door knocking from our good LibDem Councillor friends.

Um, good luck with that one, fellas.

The Personnel Committee confirmed that Ray, Wivenhoe’s Litter Picker Supreme, has now formally retired. A much-deserved formal presentation will take place at the Annual Town Meeting next month.

Meanwhile, we have a replacement in James, who has already been busy going about his business. Mr Mayor is extremely happy with the appointment, and encouraged that we weren’t short on applicants for the post.

A lengthy debate then followed all about the Best Value Committee. This *isn’t* about umm-ing and ahh-ing over the price of a Pot Noodle at the Co-op, but as the name suggests, how WTC can make the most of the little dosh that comes our way.

As ever, I became slightly lost in the finer detail. The allocation of Section 106 funding was at the core, and with perfect time, Colchester Borough Council is about to introduce some training in how to understand 106 arrangements.

Sign me up now, Comrades.

But back to the finer mechanics of Best Value. The discussion continued, with great debate about definitions within the WTC constitution. Words such as “emotion” were erased, and “code of conduct” inserted instead. There was even an on the record “bloody hell!” moment, but one wouldn’t expect to see this appear within the WTC letter of the law.

You say tomatoe, I say tomato, etc. Actually, I say can we move on please?

Bloody hell, etc.

Never one to stick to the formalities of the agenda (and hurrah for that,) and a fashionably late appearance from the good Councillor Steve Ford, Labour’s representative in the Quay ward, then lit up the Council chamber.

Councillor Ford played it cool, not wanting to talk about potholes and dog pooh, but simply taking the time out from the election stump to thank and praise the work of the retiring Wivenhoe Town Concillors.

Some very honest and humble words were spoken about Councillors Iacovou, Fox and Liddy, the latter of which is stepping down from UNPAID civic service after sixteen years in the chamber.

Sweet. Now back to yer #workingforwivenhoe, Comrade.

Working Party Reports then followed. Any party that involves work is usually one that I would give a wide berth - a bit like the Wivenhoe Community Mini Bus, which has been experiencing a few navigational malfunctions with some drivers. Rest easy, Comrades - the verges causing the minor traffic woes have now been trimmed.

Speaking of minor gardening mishaps, Mr Mayor reported that an official complaint has been received by a resident about the premature cutting of the cowslips in the cemetery, before they had the chance to bloom. You may smirk, my friends, but such issues have been known to bring down governments.

The Wivenhoe Wood Working Party (or www.p for the cool kids by the Co-op) extended an open invite for any local folk who want to find out what the WTC group with the BEST name actually gets up to. There is an Open Day on 15th May, meeting by the picnic benches in the wood.

www.p <3 lol, as we like to say wit da yoof.

Speaking of which, the Youth Facilities Working Party perhaps provided the most controversial moment of the meeting. It is a sign of the economic times when WTC is considering future funding arrangements for the ACE Hub down at the Philip Road Centre.

No need to run for office on a Yoof ticket just yet - simply that WTC would like to see the balance books of the group, ahead of awarding a further £1,000 annual contribution to help support the Hub.

It makes economic, if not social sense. The overall aim of the Hub is to be self-sufficient. The initial grant was just that - a means to an end. It now seems that the end may be closer than was first thought. One to watch for the budget review in the autumn…

Members’ Individual Reports included a humble, honest and glowing tribute from Mr Mayor towards the three councillors that are stepping down. Mr Mayor also updated the meeting with his civic engagements over the last month - EIGHT events have been attended by the nice man with the bling. That’s an awful lot of Mr Sheen to account for in the town budget.

I believe the children are our future, treat them well and let them lead the way, etc… Mr Mayor highlighted the recent Colne Fusion concert at the Congregational Hall, the Youth Council visit to the chamber and a visit to the nature garden at Broomgrove as his personal best bits from the past month.

Community Safety and Police Matters (replacing the old Neighborhood Watch Scheme) offered feedback on the recent move of our local police team to the fire station. There is slight concern about contact details. A mobile number is available (07966 197245) as well as a non-emergency contact line on 0300 333 4444. WTC resolved to help publicise these more.

As for the recent NAP meeting? I refer my honourable colleagues to the blog post blah blah blah…

The good Town Clerk reported on the town council business of one burial grant being approved, the second grass cutting in the cemetery (watch out for those cowslips - whoops) and the brilliant news that the bumblebee springer in the KGV has been given a new head.

Blimey.

“Caution needs to be exercised” when it comes to Finance. There is a “substantial surplus” in the WTC coffers, with a recommendation to re-assess the budgets that were cut at the start of the financial year. £3,000 will soon be needed for urgent chapel repairs; a matching figure is being put aside as an emergency legal fighting fund. Presumably the two aren’t linked.

Letters of Correspondence to WTC included a rather sad update that the Wivenhoe Youth Theatre has been wound up. After sixteen years of working with young folk around the town, recruitment has become something of a problem.

It’s not that Wivenhoe is short on young theatrical talent - witness the booming ADP Theatre, and the fine talent on show in the Pantomime - it is simply that many other local groups now offer a similar service.

Mr Mayor personally pledged to write a letter of thanks to those involved in keeping the Youth Theatre running, and congratulating them on what has been achieved within the town.

A notice of the Annual Town Meeting was formally read out. Wednesday 11th May in the Loveless Hall is THE social event of the year. Or something. It certainly is for Mr Mayor, who came as close as is constitutionally possible in asking for a cross party whip. Shirt and ties would be nice as well.

Highways confirmed that the 20mph speed limit for lower Wivenhoe would be formally adopted by Essex County Council on 25th July. A new bus shelter is now in place outside Cedric’s. Civic pride was taken in announcing that it can “accommodate four bottoms.” That all depends on the size of bottom, surely…

Never mind the length, feel the thickness.

Which in a round about way brings us back to the final meeting of this administration. WTC is a few sandwiches short of a picnic hamper - only eleven names have stepped forward for civic duty, leaving two co-opted vacancies.

The role of a Town Councillor is unpaid, but you do get to enjoy the civic bowl of sweets that is passed around the chamber once a month.

Humbug!

To the Town Council offices on Tuesday evening for the April Wivenhoe Neighborhood Action Panel meeting. I was in good company as well - with 5th May and polling day rapidly approaching, it was encouraging (and not surprising) to see a raft of local politico types from the red and blue side of the great divide, all squaring up around the Town Council table and talking complete twaddle.

Whoops - wrong Borough / Town.

This is Wivenhoe etc. We are overtly political with a small c (and it doesn’t stand for what is use to do back in m’South London days, Comrades…)

Ah, but wait - what’s this? It’s only the Deputy Speaker of the House of Lords entering the Wivenhoe Town Council chamber.

Cripes.

Esteemed company indeed, with Mr Deputy substituting the political hot potato of Westminster for parking, pedestrians and dog pooh in Wivenhoe.

It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

One by one, and jaws dropped in the Wivenhoe food chain of politico hierarchies. We had Wivenhoe Town Councillors, Colchester Borough Councillors and Essex County Councillors all present. The top trump of them all was the Deputy Mr Wig, here in an observation role, to see how local policing works.

Lovely to have you here in the Hoe, kind Sir. I hope that this little slice of local democracy compared well to the day job back in the chamber.

And so what of this little slice of local democracy, Comrades?

Um…

Arriving ever so slightly fashionably late, I interrupted the good Chair in full flow, who was about to abandon the Wivenhoe NAP. Well, not quite, but certainly a common sense scaling down of the current schedule of meeting every couple of months.

The reasoning? Parking (and not dog pooh) dominates the NAP agenda. In these austere and uncertain of economic times (I noted Mr Deputy making a note of this) there is very little dosh in the Essex County Council budget to implement any NAP arrangements.

I’m sure we’d all rather be back at base, watching Eastenders, or whatever it is that local politico and community types do of a spare Tuesday evening.

The rubber stamp of the long arm of the law was required to pass this motion. A quick look around the council table and we appeared to be in a state of anarchy in Wivenhoe. Law and order was absent.

And then with perfect Keystone Cops comedy timing… ‘evening all.

‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello - what have we here then? It’s only the very decent Sgt Middleton and PC Bond arriving at the scene of the non-crime. Protocol was observed; NAP resolved to meet once a quarter. Back to the cops and robbers on Eastenders then.

But first a brief run through of what was left on the NAP agenda. With all but one item relating to traffic, Mr Chair asked if there were any objections in not having to sit through a car crash of a NAP agenda, debating transport issues when there is plenty of political will, but not much economic capital.

Essex County Councillor Julie Young added a positive update to the transport agenda. The lady’s not for turning (steady) but a u-turn of sorts by Essex County Council was passed on from our Colchester representative.

A new parking initiative has been set up, roughly slicing the county between the north and the south. With Sunny Colch holding the power base in the north, all parking provision will be channeled through the Oldest Recorded.

This was implemented on 1st April (no kidding…) and is still being worked out at a County level as to how it will actually work at a #hyperlocal level. There is new funding however to be used for any outstanding parking issues. We may be political with a small c in here in Wivenhoe but our PARKING PROBLEMS are so bad that I have typed them in CAPS.

See what I did there?

The very decent NAP Chair suggested that if *any* funding comes our way, it should be put to use in resolving the continued parking congestion around Tesco.

Wwwwhat…?

Hang on - Tesco?

Yep - here in Wivenhoe. It seems that Londis / One Stop is about to be re-branded as Tesco. One Stop is simply the badge name anyway for what marketing types call a white label version of the brand.

Basically it means that the brand is toxic in a little local community, and so it gets a new name. It’s a bit like the Royal family pretending that they’re not really a bunch of bierwust biters. Except here in Wivenhoe, the brand is about to bite back. Tesco here we come.

Oh Lordy.

Such semantics shouldn’t lose track of the main traffic issue here: parking outside One Stop is a pain. Putting a new sign above the shop front ‘aint gonna solve the issue.

What we need is a #hyperlocal campaign; perhaps a budding local type with good intentioned politico ambitions to, y’know, start a petition.

Ah - lookey here - sitting to my left (and not my Left) was the very charming Mo Metcalfe Fisher, the Conservative candidate for the Wivenhoe Cross ward in the forthcoming Colchester Borough Council local elections.

Parking is an issue that Mo has addressed. If he can convince Essex County Council that the £30k needed to fob off BT and the like to implement a better parking scheme is worthwhile, then he deserves the job of, um, Deputy Speaker in the House of Lords.

And so having resolved not to talk about parking, the NAP then talked about parking and other car related matters: Blink and you’ll miss it - it’s only Speed Watch as the next agenda item…

There is some genuinely good news to report here. The Chair raised this issue at the recent meeting of NAP heads (something which I have been called once or twice in my time.)

Authorisation has now been given for the local team of trained volunteers to venture out on to Elmstead Road and point their pointy equipment at any speeding motorist. The only reason that this has not happened sooner is because of the recent road works.

Any passing motorist (or even cyclist) speeding up to Broad Lane best watch out as from now on. The Cross and Rectory Road are next up on the radar for the Speed Watch folk. Councillor Steve Ford chipped in with the suggestion of Bobbits Way in his Quay ward to also be under the Speed Watch consideration.

A debate then followed about exactly when this will all commence. Wearing my civic hat and I’m not going to tell you - the whole point is to catch out any boy racers / girl cyclists. Actually a date hasn’t been set; but it may be tomorrow. Or the day after. Or perhaps after the Royal Wedding? Well, sometime before the next NAP anyway.

Officially signed off under: PROGRESS.

Sgt Middleton then updated briefly on the continued search for any Emerging Communities in Wivenhoe. Nope - nothing; just an exiled South London blogger.

Any Other Business had a local resident raising the issue of unwelcome ball games being played by young folk around Henrietta Close up towards the top of the town. It started off as one of those provincial local matters that must have had Mr Deputy Speaker from the House of Lords scratching his ceremonial wig.

But this was a very real issue for the local resident, who articulated her case well, and developed the matter to become more of a concern about the bureaucracy of red tape at a very #hyperlocal level of governance.

Who do you turn to? The NAP? Turns out not, according to the NAP members. WTC? Colchester Borough Council? Essex County Council? The police?

All agencies have been approached, yet still the problem exists. This discussion was played out to a Carry On Red Tape conclusion. We even had a *shhh* Labour member praising Dave’s #bigsociety.

Blimey.

We soon got back on track with another AOB Q on Considerate Parking - or more to the point, why did the NAP rule out implementing a considerate parking scheme, as has been put in place over in Brightlingsea?

Sgt Middleton pointed out that he doesn’t want to tie up his staff with admin matters. A good point, and well made. A lively discussion followed, once again demonstrating that if the NAP is only in place to discuss parking, little will be resolved.

And so that was the April NAP done and dusted, and just about in time to catch Eastenders back at base. It wasn’t quite the soap opera I expected (NAP, not Eastenders) and there wasn’t exactly a cliffhanger at the end.

We’re very conservative with a small c in Wivenhoe. Mr Deputy Speaker would no doubt agree.

To the Town Council Offices on Monday evening for the monthly meeting of our friends from Wivenhoe Town Council. I say “friends” in complete sincerity - I don’t see Mr Speaker welcoming people into the Public Gallery at Westminster with a beaming smile and the offer of glacier mint.

Nine of our good Councillor’s were present around the top table on Monday, with a Civic suited, booted and blinged up Mr Mayor chairing the meeting. Three members of the public were also present, which has to be encouraging for local accountability and political access.

Essex County Councillor Julie Young spoke first, updating WTC on her recent work as Colchester’s representative at a county level. Traffic has once again been a priority, with speeding levels around Wivenhoe being a concern for local residents.

Rectory Road keeps on cropping up, along with the approach to Broomgrove School. Cllr Young has asked the police to intervene, whenever local residents raise the issue. A pilot study of the 20′s Plenty initiative has been undertaken. Cllr Young is chasing this up, with a view to rolling it our along the non-residential streets around Wivenhoe.

Keeping with the transport theme, Cllr Young then updated WTC over the issue of a footpath approach to the football club along Elmstead Road. Funding is in place for further investigation, with possible money for the implementation of the project being made available in April.

Those glacier mints then came in handy, when through *shhh* gritted teeth, Cllr Young bigged up Dave’s #bigsociety. Funding for around £50k (not so big then…) may be available for Colchester and Tendring. Individual grants of around £500 to kick-start #hyperlocal community projects within Wivenhoe could be up for grabs.

You call it #bigsociety, we call it Community Initiative - Cllr Young then outlined her track record on delivering with similar schemes locally, pointing out improvements to the skateboard park and new nets for the football pitches at KGV.

Inspiring Ideas is the name of a new initiative from Essex County Council. They like their positive lexicology, these politico types. I would suggest that if you have an idea that isn’t inspiring, then you probably shouldn’t even be thinking in the first place.

The good Cllr Young rightfully pointed out that Wivenhoe is full of inspiring ideas anyway. It is hoped that the countywide scheme will be able to improve communities at a local level.

Good idea, that…

Finally Cllr Young praised the wonderful folk of Wivenhoe Moving Image, and explained how she has helped out the independent community cinema to become a key holder at the Phillip Road Centre, as well as resolving extra access issues to allow increased screenings.

Questions to our council rep followed. WTC Cllr Kraft asked if Cllr Young would like to test out the new toilets that have just been completed at the William Loveless Hall.

Steady the buffers; and the bowels.

Next up on his feet for a bit of political stand up was the ever-entertaining Cllr Steve Ford, the Colchester Borough Council representative for the Quay ward. The good Cllr Ford could appear at a stand up comedy gig, and still raise a smile telling some right ripping yarns all about potholes.

Oh - hang on…

It is the working bain of any local councillor, and yep, potholes are once again particularly heavy on the mind of Cllr Ford. Park Road and “a whooper” (blimey) along Rebow Road have recently been reported by Cllr Ford.

An insider perspective on the 20′s Plenty scheme then followed, with Cllr Ford giving an insight into the chairing an all-party CBC committee. Unlike Cllr Ford, I’ll get straight to the punch line - CBC supports the idea of the scheme throughout the borough, but is looking at funding to carry out a consultation.

Boom boom.

High praise then followed for the Wivenhoe Gilbert and Sullivan Society and their recent performance of Oklahoma! at the William Loveless Hall. Cllr Ford described the production as “fantastic,” in a move which many saw as a possible angling for the warm-up spot next year.

Cllr Ford explained the more serious matter of a recent tricky planning application for the Royal British Legion down at the Quay. This was granted by CBC, allowing much needed improvements to the historic old building, but with strong objections to the current owner of Dickie and Dennis’ old house.

Cllr Ford was pleased to report that a resolution of sorts was achieved, proving that when handled diplomatically, planning can work for the benefit of the community.

New planning laws are about to be introduced. Cllr Ford asked WTC how best to publicise these within the town. Not read the most recent WTC Newsletter, Cllr Ford? Tsk tsk.

With the agenda racing through the chamber with all the speed of the 9:23 passing through Paget Road, we were then back on to WTC matters. The meeting then became slightly clouded for the untrained eyes and ears.

Talk turned towards internal admin matters, relating to communication with a transport officer. It all started off rather innocently, and then somehow the conversation became embroiled with private internal emails, with WTC deciding to debate the issue (whatever the issue was) once the public gallery had been cleared.

Mmm…

Moving on - time for the individual WTC committees to report back. It is only when you witness the scope and responsibilities of the unpaid WTC councillors that you realise how much work and effort goes into the job. No financial reward is on offer, and often little thanks come the way of the councillors.

Cllr Liddy led with Planning. Unfortunately talk once again turned towards updating the Cllr’s behind closed doors, with “legal matters and solicitor letters and meetings” being mentioned.

I have no more to add.

The new health centre is still plodding along with nothing new to report. The meeting heard how internal changes are currently being put in place at the current health centre, suggesting that the professionals involved aren’t planning for a positive outcome any time soon.

Finance and Admin reported back with rare praise from a member of the public in the manner in which WTC is dealing with the harsh reality of a significant cut in local authority funding. Sticking with balancing the books and the Best Value committee stated that Wivenhoe Youth Hub, the May Fair and Wivenhoe in Bloom are all expected to stay within the allocated budget.

Nothing to report on the Working Party and Estates, apart from a request from the wonderfully named Essex Stragglers to use Wivenhoe Wood for a mid-summer event on the evening of the 30th June. I’ve no idea what the Essex Stragglers actually do, but I’d wager that around chucking out time on the 30th June, I could well qualify for membership.

The next agenda item was everyone’s favourite of the Wivenhoe Woodwork Party. Mr Mayor reported that the group has been attending to Ferry Marsh after the recent clean up (yeah, right…)

On to more positive matters and it’s only the Wivenhoe Community Mini Bus - hurrah! In what became something of a surreal discussion, Mr Mayor updated on how the current vehicle serves our needs perfectly. With only 51,000 miles on the clock (that’s a lot of running around Wivenhoe,) the bus is working well with no need for an update.

We then entered into Maureen’s Driving School territory, with a driving test theory style discussion all about parking and avoiding bollards.

Blimey.

The Youth Facilities Working Party reported on the current provision, and how the focus is now turning towards the top of the town and the need to fill any gaps in the services available for our young folk. The ace Youth Council has been invited into the council chamber next week to hold session.

Sticking with the civic responsibility theme, Mr Mayor then replied to that standard Westminster question of asking what the chuffers the leader has been doing since the session last met.

Rather than respond with the jaded “I have been having meetings with my ministerial colleagues,” Mr Mayor proved the point that life in Wivenhoe has a far greater WOW! factor than living in Westminster:

“On Tuesday I visited the Youth Club which is going from strength to strength. I organised and attended the Mayor’s Civic Ball, raising money for the Mayor’s charity. I have witnessed the work being carried out at Broomgrove around Fair Trade. I went to the Colchester Mayor’s Civic event, where I was surrounded by bling. I have met with the bursary fund at the University. I am proud to announce that we will be funding five students next year. I have met with Wivenhoe Helping Hands, I attended the dedication of Major Tom Burt’s memorial and I thoroughly enjoyed Oklahoma!”

Cripes. Somebody pour that man a stiff G & T. Or even offer him another Civic glacier mint.

Meanwhile, Mr Mayor was then on the back foot, offering up an explanation as to why he was seen to be formally opening a botox and teeth whitening clinic.

Sucking in his cheeks, and with his best cheesy grin, Mr Mayor offered up the excellent answer of being offered a £200 gift certificate to auction off at the Mayor’s Charity Ball.

Job’s a good ‘un.

Talk also turned toward Mr Mayor’s alternative ball. For those fearing a mass Goth invasion of the William Loveless Hall with pints of cherry brandy and cider being consumed by men wearing clogs and eyeliner - relax…

The alt ball is for those who perhaps don’t appreciate the formalities of the black tie event. Planning is underway with an esteemed local promoter. I hear *shhh* that the Loveless Hall is being transformed into The Cavern with a 60′s style event being staged.

With no pause even for a quick Twist and Shout, it was soon time for the Town Clerk to report back to WTC. The first spring cutting of the grass has taken place at the KGV and the churchyard. The ladies loos at the Loveless Hall are complete. Budgets are up to date as we approach the end of the financial year.

Mr Mayor emphasised the versatility of our local ground staff, who one day may be mowing the KGV, whilst another they might be called upon the more sombre task of being asked to dig a grave.

It was confirmed that the official opening of the new police station up at the, um, fire station, will take lace on Saturday 26th March. The new building won’t allow access to the public (the old building very rarely had residents turning up anyway…) apart from on the open day itself. Something of a misnomer, but great to be given open access for the launch day.

New Business debate was centred on the request from St Mary’s to organise and stage a Church Ale event in September. This is essentially a medieval style pageant. Planning is required for various road closures, with permission asked to start off the procession from the KGV.

The discussion focussed on the cost of closing the roads, as well as the insurance and safety of the public, with events such as archery being proposed. The ever-helpful Cllr Needham offered clarification, explaining how the weapons were spiked poles, and the professional group involved have their own insurance.

Phew.

Ah, but who will be asked to be the Lord and Lady of the Manor in the procession? Ah, that will fall to the incumbent Mayor or Mayoress, whoever that may be following the impending WTC elections.

Speaking of which - nominations open for anyone wishing to stand as a Wivenhoe Town Councillor on 28th March, with a final deadline of midday on 4th April. It would be cruel to point out that April Fool’s Day also falls within this period…

Papers were shuffled around the table and a few nervy eyes darted back and forth within the chamber. Beware the Ides of March, my good councillors…

[public] meeting closed at 8:40.

To the Town Council office on Monday evening for the monthly meeting of the Wivenhoe Town Council.

Cripes.

Relax, m’South London Comrades - WTC is largely apolitical, comprising of locally elected representatives who have the best interests of the town at heart.

Unlike, um…

Democracy and representation appears to be alive and well within Wivenhoe. Eight of our fine councillors were in attendance, with apologies from the absent three.

Perhaps even more poignant was the appearance of seven locals in the public galley (random chairs scattered around the room) and a couple of local Colchester Borough Councillors to provide updates for their patch.

This was the first meeting of WTC since the blatant act of vandalism by the Environment Agency on the vegetatation of the banks of the Colne. Mr Mayor, Brian Sinclair, was aware of the public interest and moved this item to the top of the agenda.

Mr Mayor, explaining the position of WTC on the Colne clearance, read out a brief statement:

“We have had lots of phone calls and conversations since the work started. Wivenhoe Town Council empathises with the feelings of residents who are deeply angered and upset with the Environment Agency.

We were aware that the work was planned, but no actual start date was given. Local information was limited to A4 sized posters appearing by the site. We have made enquiries with the Environment Agency about the work. This is part of a national policy.

If any residents which to take the matter further, we have provided some information slips [reproduced below...] There is nothing else that we can do as a town council - we have done all that we can.”

The welcome information slip states:

Dear Resident,

WTC are aware and concerned about the distress caused by the rapid clearance of the sea walls. We are unable to stop this national policy but if you width to complain to the EA, the contact is 01473 706 100, [email protected]

A quick click and a rational email explaining your concerns, and hopefully the strength of local opposition regarding the destruction of our natural beauty will be registered.

But for some within the meeting, the statement from WTC didn’t go far enough. Up stepped a local resident to address the council, and to explain some revealing background information that has emerged through dealing with the EA staff on site.

“The notices put up by the EA were not specific to Wivenhoe. The same notices have been posted at scores of places all over East Anglia. In the case of Wivenhoe the reasons offered by the EA for the vegetation clearance turn out to be spurious. There’s no problem with rabbits, and the supposedly troublesome roots are still in the ground. There’s no problem with inspections – the inspectors have already graded the different sections of the seawall, in drawing up the Shoreline Management Plan. And there’s no risk to people and property upriver – that’s what the Barrier is for, to protect us from a repeat of the 1953 flood tide – and downriver, the possible future flooding of the grazing marsh has already been planned for, as part of the policy of managed retreat.

So, what’s the real reason for the vegetation clearance?

Nick Purdie [EA official] says: Our ultimate aim is to reduce all the vegetation to short grass – even long grasses are a problem because they mask bare earth - and it’s ‘bare earth’ which makes seawalls vulnerable in the event of over-topping by a tidal surge.

So this policy is all about planning for a worst-case scenario – which may be fine when there’s a risk to people and property – but doesn’t make sense downriver, in the event of a major flood, when flooding the grazing marsh would actually be necessary to absorb the pressure of the tide.

Mr Purdie also stressed how serious they are about achieving this objective of reducing the flora on seawalls to a monoculture. They’re currently experimenting at specific locations in Alresford, Brightlingsea and elsewhere with intensive regimes of repeated cutting: twice or three times a year. And they’re developing new technologies to do this, pioneering mechanical strimmers attached to diggers, which can do the job better than humans.

There’s a lot of controversy throughout East Anglia surrounding the Environment Agency’s policy on flood defences, (mainly to do with coastal erosion and managed retreat). One of the main complaints is the Agency’s repeated failure to notify and consult. Local Essex and Suffolk MPs like Therese Coffey (Suffolk Coastal) John Whittingdale (Maldon) and Priti Patel (Witham) are well aware of this. I think it’s worth people writing, if they feel strongly about this, to Bernard Jenkin.

Our case is a strong one:

It’s about the democratic deficit – the shocking lack of consultation.

It’s about bureaucratic arrogance – the policy being applied to Wivenhoe is inappropriate and incoherent.

And it’s about cost. The EA are spending £750,000 on this.

Where people and property are not at risk, it’s the needs of local residents and wildlife which should take precedence over the schemes of bureaucrats.”

Blimey.

This was a damning report to WTC, delivered with great passion and eloquence. It appears too late for any action to prevent this first wave of destruction. I would wager that the Environment Agency is not in for such an easy ride when they next return to the banks of the Colne, bent on yet further environmental destruction.

In support of WTC, Mr Mayor recognised the concerns of the local resident, and asked for a copy of the fine speech to fully take on the local concerns.

The rest of the WTC meeting was always then going to be routine, if indeed debate about Cook’s, the Wivenhoe Woodwork Party and Mr Mayor’s stolen civic bicycle (blimey) can ever be described as routine.

But first, here are some words from the big boys and girls of Colchester Borough Council. I rather liked the approach of Wivenhoe residents having speaking rights ahead of our CBC friends.

Councillor Cory of Wivenhoe Cross ward addressed the meeting first:

“I have mainly been dealing with parking complaints. Students are usually to blame. I approach this problem methodologically. If cars are parked illegally then I contact the police. If it is inconsiderate parking then I attach a small flyer.

Potholes [aha!] are currently the bain of my life. The large hole by The Flag has now been filled in. Sadly it has now opened up again. I will keep on reporting this to Highways until it is fixed. I have asked why the CBC gritting policy doesn’t include estates and pavements.

There was an ASBO issue in my ward. I have been working closely with PCSO Neville, who has carried out some wonderful work to help resolve this. There are some drainage issues up towards Broomgrove. Anglia Water has been informed.”

Taking a walk downtown (and depending on your geographical point of view, either going upmarket or slumming it…) and next up was Councillor Quarrie of Wivenhoe Quay ward:

“We have just had the full budget meeting at CBC. We [the Conservative group] wanted to reduce the annual £150,000 funding for local councils. Sadly this was voted out.”

A written report from Councillor Julie Young of Essex County Council (so many layers of the political onion to peel away here in Wivenhoe) was then read out by Mr Mayor:

“With the failure of the pedestrian crossing by the Co-op to reach any conclusion, I have successfully lobbied for a new bus shelter to be built with the funds.

I am happy to report that no libraries will be closing in Essex. There will be reduced opening hours for some libraries, although Wivenhoe doesn’t appear to be affected.

The transport subsidy for parents whose children attend Faith schools will be reduced. This will impact on Wivenhoe parents who send their children to the Catholic school in Colchester. Families on low income will still receive support.

The full budget for Essex County Council is being set this week. Women’s Refuge and Alcoholics Anonymous look like having funding being withdrawn. We are making slow progress [arf!] with the 20mph speed zone for Wivenhoe.”

With the WTC meeting now racing through the agenda, hopes were high of catching the second half of the West Ham match back at base. Feedback was then provided on the various sub-committees that comprise WTC. You’d be hard pressed to find a better named committee anywhere in the land that can compete with out very own Wivenhoe Woodwork Party - oh yes…

A report on public transport produced great excitement (steady the buffers) with news of the new bus stops in Colchester. Amazingly the Wivenhoe bus stops are actually correct for once.

Questions were raised about whom is liasing with the fine May Fair folk regarding the traffic flow on the big day. Mr Mayor confirmed that a meeting is planned for later this week.

Other transport issues were then discussed, but sadly the Fog of Politics got in the way. A bit of CBC politico gossiping between our borough council friends in-between WTC contributions, and I couldn’t catch all of the details (transport matters - *not* CBC chitter chatter.)

No worries. On to Planning.

Oh Lordy…

Councillor Cyril Liddy updated WTC with recent applications. Changes to the front of the Royal British Legion have been submitted (supported by the good folk of WivSoc) as well as “various miscellaneous domestic applications.”

Of greater interest however is the continuing saga of Cook’s Shipyard. Councillor Liddy confirmed:

“The developer is now ready to move forward and wants to know when we can sign the lease. This is in the hands of the solicitors - we’re not actually ready yet.”

It seems that the developer has made a change to the original planning application regarding the five polyfunctional [urgh!] units. A change of use from A1 to A3 has been put forward. CBC has no objections. Once again the Fog of Politics prevented me from hearing further.

The Personnel Committee confirmed that WTC’s wonderful litter picker, Ray, has announced his plans for a well-deserved retirement. Mr Mayor praised Ray and his work with the highest regard, adding, “he will be impossible to replace.”

Hear, hear. It seems that everywhere I go around the town, Ray is always present. Has this man be cloned?

The Finance and Admin Committee reported that the WTC budget has been re-affirmed. Speaking of penny-pinching, with the imminent move of our local police team to the fire station, it was also confirmed that the WTC policy is to try and keep the old buildings in public use. Discussions are taking place as to how WTC can acquire them.

The Best Value Committee (not quite the best committee title, but close…) reported on the plan for WTC to purchase some basic IT equipment for planning purposes. This will allow submissions to be projected on to the wall, rather than shuffling around paper copies.

Still with us?

It was around this stage of the evening that I was in need of a comfort break. And with perfect timing, it’s only an update from the Working Party on the refurbishment of the ladies loos at the William Loveless Hall.

Oh Lordy.

Pleased to report that the marbled halls of female sanitary (um…) are on time and budget. A grand opening is expected in time for Mr Mayor’s Charity Ball next month. Hurrah!

Trumping the Best Value and the toilet updates was of course the Wivenhoe Woodwork Party. Nope - not a late night carpentry lock in at The Station, but valuable updates regarding the upkeep of Wivenhoe Wood. The bark (ouch) is worse than the bite - all is well within Wivenhoe Wood.

It was then wonderful to hear the highest praise coming the way of Wivenhoe youth facilities, and in particular, the re-launched Hub down at the Phillip Road Centre.

Tuesday evenings were reported as being a tremendous success. WTC credited the individuals involved, for growing such a fantastic facility out of so few resources. It was also noted on record how pleased WTC is to see a return of the Wivenhoe Youth Council. Mr Mayor is keen to involve this body in more formal visits to the Town Council offices.

A request has been from members of the Hub to extend the skateboard facilities at KGV. This is currently being considered by WTC.

Community Safety reported that crime in Wivenhoe is currently on the up.

Wwwwwwhat…?

Sleep safely at night my friends - all crime is bad crime, but don’t believe the hard data. Mr Mayor’s proud civic bicycle (re-cycled from a council skip, donchta know….) was only half-inched right outside The Greyhound.

The Scoundrels!

Councillor Penny Kraft fed back on the latest NAP meeting - more (much more over here...)

Finance then reported on the sale of some chairs from the William Loveless Hall. I think this is Dave’s #bigsociety in action, right on our Wivenhoe doorstep.

On Administration matters, plans are pressing ahead to abolish the Cross and Quay distinctions for WTC matters. This will not affect the CBC wards. With an increased workload, the plan is also to raise the number of (unpaid) WTC councillor’s from eleven to thirteen.

Did someone say an election is around the corner…?

And finally, back to Highways, which always seems to be something of a hot potato around Wivenhoe. Elmstead Road is due to close for essential gasworks for a period of five weeks. This will cover roughly the stretch from The Flag up to the football club.

The advance planning and publicity by the gas utility was praised by WTC as an example of how outside agencies *can* work successfully in partnership with local representatives and residents.

I think that’s the nearest that WTC will come to having a dig at the Environment Agency. Meanwhile, the diggers down at the Colne edge ever closer towards the old Crab ‘n Winkle line…

To the Town Council offices (cripes) on Tuesday evening for the bi-monthly meeting of the Wivenhoe Neighbourhood Action Panel, the Essex Police initiative, defined as:

“Each NAP consists of representatives from the local community, residents’ associations, children and young people, voluntary agencies, schools, faith groups, Town and Parish councillors, Colchester Borough Council, Essex County Council and other statutory groups or organisations that are best placed to make a valuable contribution to community problem solving throughout Colchester.”

Oh - and nosey bloggers as well. Many thanks for making me feel most welcome…

Scaling down further for Wivenhoe, and our very own #hyperlocal NAP states:

“We want to tackle crime and quality of life issues that are effecting Wivenhoe and the University of Essex. We not only want to tackle them but we want to reduce them.”

A cursory glance over at the online data released last week via police.uk reveals that downtown Wivenhoe ‘aint exactly a crime hot spot. Ah, but it’s all relative, and also all about reassurances.

Seven incidents of anti-social behaviour, plus the three reports of violent crime in December 2010, are much more than pure, hard online data. These are very real situations that NAP seeks to address to help to make Wivenhoe an even better place in which to live and work.

Violent crime is hard to predict. Parking issues however can be addressed to help achieve a positive outcome.

Um, can’t they…?

As was the case with the previous NAP back in November, a great deal of the debate on Tuesday evening was taken up with parking issues around the town. Put simply, we have too many cars parking within Wivenhoe.

You can’t legislate for car ownership; nor for local authority cuts, which reduces the budget available to address the issue. Which all rather depressingly sums up the majority of agenda items at the NAP: Parking problems, no money, not much we can do.

Bare with me, blog readers - there is something of a warm, happy ending involving Mayor Brian Sinclair…

But first the roll call of cars parking woes:

Rosabelle Avenue has been reported as being a problem area for dangerous parking. Wivenhoe Town Council is currently waiting on a review of the 2011 budget for possible funding.

Moving on…

Parking outside One Stop towards The Cross - Councillor Penny Kraft reported on the solution being pressed by WTC. Essex County Council Highways have agreed to widen the pavement at the Colchester Road end.

Hurrah!

The problem? The small matter of the shortfall of £25k to pay for this. Cripes, you’re thinking - that’s a lot of wonga for a small stretch of road. Indeed it is. A more conservative £4k is the figure for the physical pavement improvements; £21k is the amount needed to pay off the various utility and telco companies who would be caught up in the crossfire.

NAP Chair Eugene Kraft has approached One Stop about some friendly sponsorship to help carry out the work, and ultimately improve the parking outside the business. Times are tough for traders as well as local councils. Sadly the scheme is now on hold.

Something slightly more positive however is the report of disruptive parking outside Millfields School. Councillor Kraft observed:

“You need a physical presence to address this. Whenever someone from the school stands outside during the school run, parents tend to park properly. Without this however and the problem returns. People don’t park cars - they abandon them. This is a great inconvenience to local residents.”

In response, the Deputy Head of Millfields [apologies, didn't note your name...] kindly attended the meeting to update on the issue:

“Our last formal complaint from a resident was back in May 2010. If we aren’t aware of the issues, then we can’t act upon them. We have extended parking in the school so that there are more spaces. Teachers arriving early morning are parking flush to the edge of the space. We now have fewer employees parking outside the school.”

The Chair observed that the Millfields parking problem is now “not as bad as it once was.” The NAP agreed to remove the item from future agendas, pending any further complaints.

Which was all very considerate, which also leads rather nicely into, ah… the Considerate Parking Scheme.

This is a WTC initiative, which aims to promote a better understanding of the parking needs around the town, in the absence of any law of the land to ease the flow of traffic. Wivenhoe tends to be a terribly considerate town anyway. If such a scheme were to work, one would hope that it would work in Wivenhoe.

The idea is simple: encourage and promote a more considerate, shared use of car parking space around the town, and explain the positive outcomes for the community. Councillor Kraft explained how the scheme has been discussed at WTC, along with input from our local police team.

“We looked at the Brightlingsea model and concluded that the Brightlingsea problem is not the same as ours. WTC decided not to pursue the Considerate Parking Scheme. The police aren’t keen, and we haven’t got the backing from Colchester Borough Council.

Commuters cause the problems in Wivenhoe - in Brightlingsea it is residents. We tried to speak with inconsiderate parkers down at West Quay and we didn’t even know who we are dealing with.”

Wivenhoe Society Chair Tom Roberts was not alone in expressing his disappointment that this scheme has now been shelved:

“I had hoped that the Considerate Parking Scheme would address the problem of cars parking with two wheels on the road.”

[um... Valley Road.]

The official WTC response is that this can’t be done without police support.

Sgt Lou Middleton added:

“It is not an offence for cars to park on the public pavement, as long as they are not obstructing pedestrians. If it was HGV’s, then we could act.”

A discussion then followed about *ahem* Park Road in particular, and how double parking takes place on both sides of the pavement. It was suggested that putting double yellow lines down one side of the road would ease the problem, but… there isn’t a budget for this.

A work-around of sorts was concluded, which kept in with the very considerate nature of Wivenhoe: the NAP will work alongside the local police to leaflet cars, which are parked inconsiderately.

Different agenda point, same problem: dangerous parking along Elmstead Road. The Chair noted:

“Nothing can be done. The road is too narrow and there are no pavements.”

And then just when you wait for yet another dangerous parking conundrum, along comes… Queens Road.

Oh Lordy.

The problem, if indeed there is one with Queens Road, is not so much dangerous parking but the inverse and the continued closure of the stretch. An update was kindly provided by a QRRA member, outlining the Association’s view on the fire at the Business Centre last year.

This is all old ground, and nothing new was discussed that we didn’t already know. Highways are not prepared to change their position on the closure, and so the item was ticked off the NAP agenda.

And relax.

Sgt Littleton then explained a little more about the Essex Police Emerging Communities initiative:

“This is a government led scheme to identify new groups moving into communities. We are keen to identify these groups so that we can give them the same standard of support as we do other members of the community.”

A bit of head scratching around the Town Council table, and apart from an anti-Mubarak poster that has been spotted in solitary along Park Road, Wivenhoe doesn’t seem to be a town that is that transient right now.

But anyway - back to parking - or back to the pedestrian flow around parked cars to be more precise.

The much-mooted zebra crossing by the Co-op now seems like a lost cause. With much personal frustration, Mayor Sinclair explained the saga that has frustrated WTC for some time:

“We can’t have a pedestrian crossing close to a road junction, therefore the only location would be above from the Co-op. This would wipe out resident parking space, as well as creating extra cost in having to move the bus stop.

Delays happened, and we simply ran out of time with the project in relation to the budget. WTC is collectively very angry over this. The money has been put aside, and we want to make sure that we have still got access to this.”

Tom Roberts raised the valid point of tapping into some Section 106 funding as part of the planning process for Cedrics Bus Garage. The current planning application has now been withdrawn, with WTC waiting for an expected re-submitted approach.

AOB raised up the appropriate issue for a NAP panel of the closure of Wivenhoe Police Station. As has already been documented, Sgt Middleton, PC Bond and PSCO Neville are moving out to the Fire Station. Sgt Middleton confirmed that this would be happening later in the month. The ICT infrastructure is currently being kitted out.

The possible problem, as pointed out by Councillor Kraft, is that there will be no public access to the new premises. This is simply a physical imposition of the building.

Sgt Middleton commented that he doesn’t view this as a problem, as the old police station gets very few doorknockers anyway. A police surgery at the library was confirmed, as was the very visible police van drop in sessions that you can currently see around the town.

A final point was confirmation that the police houses will be sold…

And then as promised, here comes the lovely *ahhh* moment that one just wasn’t expecting to conclude a Wivenhoe NAP meeting.

Mayor Sinclair reported back on a couple of incidents involving vocal students, tired and emotional, late in the evening after taking part in the legendary Wivenhoe Run. Not wanting to condone the actions (The Flag down to The Station, and then back again, mid-week as an Essex undergraduate? Not me, Oh no, Sireee…) but there is something of a lovely ending.

Personal apologies have been made to locals who were disturbed by the behaviour, as well as apologies to our local pubs. My Mayor thought that this was very humble, and even told the young boozers this as well as encouraging them to return to our town.

Perhaps it’s a good idea to get the bus back to campus next time, eh, guys ‘n girls?

Oh - and with perfect comic timing, and just as the meeting was concluded, in walked the good Councillor Steve Ford.

The poor chap probably couldn’t find anywhere to park.

Whoops.