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To the Congregational Hall! …on Wednesday evening for another mid-week session with the Wivenhoe Gilbert and Sullivan Society.

Anything Goes!

Which is not only the title for the production that starts the WORLDWIDE run at the William Loveless Hall on 12th March, but also a description that could equally be applied to the fun factor within the Congregational Hall.

Cripes.

A drum roll upon entry, and then a prop of a small dog coming close to stealing the show.

Anything Goes!

listen to ‘#Wivenhoe G & S Society Rehearsals 1’ on Audioboo

Yep, the good folk of Wivenhoe G & S are coming incredibly close to show time. The twice a week rehearsals have been brought forward. No more last minute acting master classes from watching Corrie ahead of the 7:30pm sharp start time.

The live band has doubled since my last Congregational Hall outing. One man and his piano (and very good he is too) have now been joined by some deft light touch jazz drumming. The script contains on average a comedy moment every eight seconds, meaning that a comedy ba-dum-TSH keeps you on your toes.

Heard the one about almost soiling your hot pants?

ba-dum-TSH.

You need to lose any G & S inhibitions to be part of the cast, as well as part of the audience. This is an incredibly camp tongue in cheek show. It’s just about family friendly, but it may take a few blushed birds and bees explanations back at base.

‘Ol Snake Eyes was back doing his womanising on Wednesday evening. Just wait until the smooth talker catches the eye of the ladies at the Willie Loveless Hall. Hot pants don’t even come close.

Added sound effects have also been brought into the production. A rather loud sounding horn seemed appropriate for the physical tension that some of the characters were managing to stir up on within the Congregational Hall.

But beyond all the double entredres and there is an incredibly complex musical production in which to master. You get a sign of how tough the American accents and vocal testing tunes are to master by the genuine applause from other cast members after each song. It really was quite touching to see such a close-knit cast supporting and appreciating one another.

Sauciness and singing aside, the comedy is still king for Anything Goes. I hope I’m not giving too much away when I point towards the piano vomiting moment.

ba-dum-TSH BLUEUGHHHHH etc.

And so less than two weeks until the Willie Loveless Hall show time, and the Wivenhoe G & S Society almost have a show. The next step is to make the tricky transformation from the Congregational Hall to the big stage next door.

Add in the lights, costumes and theatrical possibilities of the Willie Loveless (seriously) and Anything really does Go.

The Wivenhoe G & S Society present Anything Goes from 12th - 16th March. Tickets are on sale at both Post Offices and the Crossways Store.

listen to ‘#Wivenhoe G & S Society Rehearsals 2’ on Audioboo

listen to ‘#Wivenhoe G & S Society Rehearsals 3’ on Audioboo

listen to ‘#Wivenhoe G & S Society Rehearsals 4’ on Audioboo

listen to ‘#Wivenhoe G & S Society Rehearsals 5’ on Audioboo

It’s BIG and it’s certainly clever. Well, the arty farty reviews in the spring edition of Wivenhoe News certainly make for enlightened reading.

As for the rest? Clocking in at FORTY pages for only one pound of Her Majesty’s sterling, you can soon see how Wivenhoe News is to publishing value for money what the Co-op booze aisle is to the tired and emotionals of the town.

Chin chin.

As ever, it’s an impossible task to try and condense Wivenhoe News into a single blog post. As ever, I’m in awe of the production team for finding the time to source the stories, let alone write about them.

And so some selected highlights - aka bashing one out on the train before the 4:14 from LS choo choos into the hyperlocal news radar that covers Wivenhoe News.

We’ve already reached Stratford.

Whoops.

Radio Wivenhoe celebrates a £500 grant from BT, whilst Open Gardens gets the green light for all the green goodness that will be heading our way over the weekend of 18th and 19th May.

And with a HONK of the driver’s horn as Shenfield approaches, Wivenhoe News reports on the planned 150th anniversary celebrations of Wivenhoe Railway Station scheduled for 6th May. Betcha they don’t celebrate anything similar back in Shenfield.

The Editorial eulogises over the writing talent within, as well as asking for new contributions for Wivenhoe News. There is optimism over the Localism Act (LOVE it) but a bit of a bum note over the new Colchester Bus Station (that isn’t really a bus station…)

Jane Hughes continues to walk the roads of Wivenhoe and come up with an ACE psychogeographic (Ooooh) approach to hyperlocal mapping. Church Roads occupy the spring edition. It’s not all about St Mary’s, dontchaknow…

A BRILLIANT ad for a Beginners Burlesque in on the very next page. Not quite paid for editorial, but the tassel-teasing heading our way via the Wivenhoe Business Centre has got to be worth a cheeky plug. [email protected] if you want to see what the storm in a D Cup is all about.

Community Safety Watch calls for more support, whilst The Legion and WORC celebrate the Christmas Cocktail Party and Boxing Day Walk. Don’t get yer cocktail dresses and wellies confused, Comrades.

You know what you’re getting with a headline of:

Sue Finn - Bookseller of Wivenhoe

“I’m a voracious reader, I can take up to three books a week quite happily.”

I’m struggling with the voracious quantity and quality of Wivenhoe News with Chelmsford threatening to be the next stop.

Anything Goes with G & S, The Nottage Film Club and Moving Image all get the arts treatment. The G & S Society have something slightly saucy planned for next month; The Nottage Film Club continues to keep it continental down at the Quay whereas Moving Image has been batting well to overcome old boiler issues at the Philip Road Centre. The new season starting this weekend should leave you with a glow.

listen to ‘#Wivenhoe G & S Director Mary explains more about the 2013 production of Anything Goes’ on Audioboo

Come and Sing! …enthuse Sing Wiv.

And why not? The Saturday afternoon open session has no other aim than to achieve something collectively. The Funny Farm looks ahead to the fantastic Colchester New Comedian of the Year award being staged as part of the Colchester Comedy Festival. Plus don’t forget Country Dancing is Fun. So said John Terry [blimey] on p.13.

The descriptive, but effective Wivenhoe News headlines continue with:

Poetry Rules OK

…according to poetrywivenhoe. A witty rhyme would be in order, but the platform at Kelvedon station somehow takes all the creative spunk out of you.

Back to the Bookshop and back to Bring Us Your Mums, the annual window display at the foot of the High Street.

Also blooming is… Wivenhoe in Bloom, flush with success and flush with over £1k of funding raised at the recent Jardine evening. Additional dosh has come via the Essex Community Foundation Jubilee Fund. Two new public planting sprees towards the top of the town are planned.

The growing interest in Wivenhoe Watching Wildlife gets a decent write up by Glyn Evans. With a successful first year of events to build upon, the Springwatch event has been confirmed for 5th April.

listen to ‘#Wivenhoe Watching Wildlife Autumn Gathering’ on Audioboo

The view from Marks Tey brings us to the View from the High Street. Barren, depressed and a carpet of McDonald’s cartons paving the way. Much more positivity though from Tom Roberts with observations of the weather, the new Colchester Bus Station (that isn’t really a bus station…) and fitness.

The 15th anniversary of the restoration of the Wivenhoe Bells gets a write up by Adrienne Wood. Sydney Bayley just about stretches the settlement boundary with a Watering Holes of Wivenhoe review of Wivenhoe House Hotel.

Flick through the three pages of diary listings and then you get to the Monsters Rock review. Riverside observations come via Steve Hart and his tips for training young sailors. Which must also mean that it will soon be time for the Wivenhoe Ferry to come out of hibernation. Anchors away (is this right?) for 29th March.

The Tell It Like It Is take on headline writing continues with:

Transition Town Wivenhoe Bike Trailers for You to Borrow

Chapeau!

Which must mean that the commute has hit Colchester, a leisurely bicycle trailer ride away.

Seven years of the Farmer’s Market are celebrated on p.25, before a whole page is then given away for the University of Essex to big up the Essex Book Festival, staff CBE’s and bees wax.

Chuffers.

We’ve hit the Hythe.

How the hell did that happen?

Hey hoe. Heads down to bash out all the hyperlocal LOVLINESS left in the final half dozen pages of Wivenhoe News. Last man standing on Wivenhoe Platform gets to, um, pay the penalty fare.

£35k of raised grants for the Scout and Guide Hall are explained, The Hub continues to happen at the Phillip Road Centre (volunteers always needed…)

New Broomgrove Infants Head Teacher Lehla Abbott talks of the “delights” of her pupils, Y6 pupils at the Juniors report on WW2 topics, whilst up at Millfields and the recent performance of the choir at the O2 is mentioned.

Wiv Soc in Crisis is another Tell It Like It Is headline. In short - volunteers…

Bernie Boy bangs on about Health and Europe (bad / BONKERS), Cllr Julie Young updates with the Flood Barrier closures, transport for the Colne kids and the new Colchester Bus Station (that isn’t really a bus station…) Plus Health Centre progress. Of sorts.

Up at the Cross and Cllr Mark Cory writes about CBC Council Tax freezing (but not the maneuvers that led to it…) and the spending of the £2k locality budget.

Cllr Cyril Liddy deserves his own locality award for making Planning, Finance and Audit Scrutiny and the Standards Committee sound SEXY.

“We are now approaching Wivenhoe.”

Um…

WTFC is looking for a new Chairperson; the Tennis Club has a new club house…

Mind the gap.

Wivenhoe News is sold at the Co-op, Crossways, the Post Office, Bryans Newsagents and the lovely Wivenhoe Bookshop.

To On the Corner! …on Sunday evening for some strumming, finger picking, droning and deep throat seduction. It was a little different from Sunday service across the road at St Mary’s earlier in the day.

The Sunday On the Corner sessions is an incredibly informal gathering bringing together locals musos with local muso lovers. Add in a little booze and some vegetable samosas, and it comes up trumps when compared to Countryfile back at base.

But how do you go about putting the bill together?

Always start with your star turn; always start with a man that knows his European pop from his fake imported Americana.

That must be Mr Mule then.

Yer man has been on fine form of late. Sunday saw tales of lost Soho tangles from a different age mixed in with women and whiskey. Quite some narrative. Like a fine wine, etc, which must mean that the *ahem* rather significant celebration coming up for Mule should be vintage.

Follow that.

Which was precisely the instructions for young Oliver Daldry, an Ipswich based singer songwriter. The one man and his guitar approach may have resembled Mule from earlier, but the sound couldn’t have been any different. A light touch on the frets and a finger picking session of incredible dexterity from young Mr D.

A samosa chitter chatter later revealed that Oliver has a classical guitar based background. If you can pluck your way through a concerto, and then translate this to the CRAZY world of Rock n Roll then you are on the money.

Or even On the Corner.

Or perhaps elsewhere. Oliver is keen to keep on gigging anywhere around the hyperlocal-ish patch. He plays a strictly No Covers policy. Why sing to someone else’s tune when you have your own songbook to draw upon?

The On the Corner Sessions probably won’t go down in Rock history as being on par with the Pistols at the 100 Club etc, but it was significant in that it was a return to the Wivenhoe stage for an old fresh young faced artist for the first time in 18 years.

Phew, Rock n Roll.

MW Bewick has been in bands for the past two decades. The amp obsessed Wivenhoe wall of sound of previous bands is now stripped right down to one man strumming on an acoustic guitar.

It suited Sunday night to perfection, much in the same way that MW’s Strange Brew fits the Friday feel on Radio Wivenhoe. The song remains the same (sorta) with the Wivenhoe wall of sound working just as well in an ambient setting.

The one man and his band added in the accompaniment of a drone box for the final song in the set. Purchased from Guru Sounds in Barking, the eastern echoes resonated well with… the samosas.

And then finally it was time for Fiona and Nick to finish off the On the Corner session. This was Hobo Chang / Bone Chang / Drum redacted further still. You don’t need to hide away when you have the voice of Fiona Harman, but reduced to a no amps approach upstairs in a tapas bar really leaves no hiding place.

Absolutely no worries.

You don’t so much listen to Fiona as get involved. It wasn’t an out of body experience, but *that* voice carried the entire room from the floorboards up. The limited stage space meant wanders around the audience. Walk it like you talk it in a tranced state for a Sunday evening.

And so that was the On the Corner session. What else are you gonna do on the Seventh Day?

Strum, finger pick, drone and seduce.

Sorted.

To the Town Council Office! …on Monday evening for the February meeting of Wivenhoe Town Council. With a Health Centre heavy agenda, it felt more like a working party of the Wivenhoe Health Group, except this meeting was open to the public.

Matters Arising from the Minutes of the January Meeting included Cllr Bob Needham asking if there has been any update in WivGigs forming a Wivenhoe Public Hard Association. Cllr Kevin Read confirmed that he has offered his services and the group has been formed.

Madam Mayor then announced that £10,000 of funding has been made available for new speeding signs in lower Wivenhoe:

“This seems like overkill. As a Council we ought to question this. It is a total overspend of the money.”

Cllr Reed clarified:

“The 20mph zone is officially not in place. We need signs for this. Can the money be channeled towards this?”

Madam Mayor added:

“The Neighbourhood Action Panel requested one sign. This has gone over the top.”

The rather rambling agenda item title of To Consider Any Points Raised by members of the Public of Which Written Notice Has Been Given [snappy] had one item. Here’s where you could get confused in thinking that this was a gathering of the Wivenhoe Health Group…

Wivenhoe resident Roger Mainwood had given the required written notice to address Full Council over some concerns about the way in which the Health Centre situation is progressing.

Or perhaps even *isn’t* progressing:

“Here we go again - the Health Centre. I thought that this ought to be on the agenda. There is the prospect that housing development is now part of the mix at the Fire Station site. WTC has a very strong position on the green break, as outlined in the Town Plan.”

Roger then explained with great clarity the strong pstance adopted by WTC in the Town Plan to oppose any further expansion of the town on the land between the Fire Station and the University.

“Given all that, are we giving Mr Gooch [the landowner] a hand in winning favour?”

Madam Mayor intervened:

“It wasn’t Mr Gooch that suggested housing, but we’ll leave it at that…”

Roger continued:

“Given the history of the Health Centre and the Cook’s site, I fear that we will never get a Health Centre. I would like to come up with some action. Of all the sites that have been looked at, Cedric’s seems to be the favourite. RBS are not selling.

Could the land by Millfields School be considered? In light of the housing project, this should now be considered seriously. I have questioned various people:

Richard Warner [Realise Health Ltd] said that this is a good site. He said that we would need to gain favour with the community and have them involved in the design and the outcome. He said that this was a non-starter two years ago. There may now be a change of heart.

Cllr Cyril Liddy [CBC] said that the Village Green status for the Millfields land has run into the ground. Cyril is quite supportive.

I have contacted Cllr Julie Young [ECC] - she has contacted Sue Jackson of CBC [Planning Officer.] Sue has confirmed that this is in the settlement boundary. We have to satisfy the Open Space argument though.

I think that Wivenhoe needs to make a decision.”

Good point, and very well made.

Chins were stroked, notes were taken and light bulbs visibly appeared above the heads of some Town Cllrs. Or maybe that was just the pre-meet Red Bull kicking into action?

Madam Mayor was the first to respond to the suggestion:

“Mr Gooch is not happy about housing on his land, having stood up at the public meeting. No one has come to us with concrete ideas involving houses. When it is bought to the Town Council then it will be discussed. Personally I think that ideas might change.”

It wasn’t clear if ideas might change about housing on the Fire Station site, or the idea of building upon the Millfields land.

Cllr Neil Lodge said:

“I don’t want to see any houses at the Fire Station. If we build at Millfields it is too small - we can’t expand.”

Roger added:

“Richard Warner has told me that you can expand on the site.”

Cllr Lodge continued:

“If we can raise the money then we can have the Fire Station and no houses. It is not impossible to buy the land. The Fire Station has a better bus route. It is future proof.”

Cllr Andrea Vaughan addressed Cllr Lodge:

“This is a very interesting idea. When you say the town can build, do you mean that RHL won’t be part of the equation?”

Cllr Lodge confirmed that this is exactly what he meant.

The million-dollar question - quite literally - came from Cllr Vaughan:

“How do we fund it then?”

Cllr Lodge looked towards the previous funding model of WTC buying the old police houses.

Seeing towards the wider picture, Cllr Needham observed:

“As we move more towards an age of community involvement, we as a Town Council are not in a position to make a comment. We could only respond if a public meeting is called.”

Cllr Read asked:

“Am I right in thinking that Elmstead Market Parish Council owns the land?”

“Yes,” replied Madam Mayor.

Whoops.

But it’s always good to finish the unofficial Wivenhoe Health Group meeting with a happy ending and some optimism looking forward.

Cllr Lodge said:

“Anything is possible, but it needs to be paid for.”

Madam Mayor concluded:

“We won’t abandon the idea - we will look at everything that comes up.”

Which back on the Full Council agenda for WTC was Reports from Members of the County and Borough Councils.

Except none were present.

Whoops, whoops.

Cllrs Liddy, Ford and Young had sent their apologies in advance, as well as written reports from the two Borough Cllrs.

Madam Mayor expressed a disappointment that Cllr Young wasn’t present:

“I wanted to ask her how much the library refurbishment cost. It seems unnecessary.”

The report from Cllrs Liddy and Ford covered the passing of the Planning App for the change of use from business to a restaurant down at Cook’s, as well as mention of a cross-ward partnership when it comes to divvying up the ward purse.

Each Borough Cllr has £2k to spend as part of the Borough Council’s Olympic legacy.

Yeah, figure.

In Wivenhoe this means that £3,077 has been allocated so far our of the £4,000 Quay ward pot of Olympic gold. It’s genuine community co-operation with a long list of hyperlocal groups being read out.

The pen couldn’t keep up quick enough, but if your Olympic Legacy Bingo Card includes Transition Town Wivenhoe, Wivenhoe in Bloom, Radio Wivenhoe, the Scout & Guides and Jubilee Benches, then hands should be up in the air and BINGO should be bellowed out.

Cllr Vaughan questioned if the CBC guidelines allowed for cross-ward pooling of the cash.

Cllr Needham noted:

“We have spent a lot of time on cross-ward working. We shouldn’t oppose.”

Transport Correspondent Peter Kay then delivered his report. This included a reference to the proposal of sighting the Health Centre on the Millfields land:

“This is completely inaccessible for anyone in lower Wivenhoe without a car. You would have to catch two busses. The Fire Station site may be further away, but it is more accessible.”

Planning matters returned down to the bottom of the town and an update from Cllr Read on Cook’s:

“I spoke with Taylor Wimpey today. We are still waiting for a lease on the dinghy park and the car park. The Fisherman’s Store is still to be finished. I have been told now that this should be done in four weeks. Cycling racks are being installed. We have a waiting list for the dinghy park. I would like to propose an annual fee of £175 per bay.”

This wasn’t put to the vote. Cllr Lodge stepped in:

“There is no paperwork for this. I can’t vote on something that I know nothing about.”

Madam Mayor suggested that a vote could take place in the March meeting.

Cllr Needham then turned towards the Wivenhoe Community Assets forum:

“We held a well-attended public meeting. Peter Hill has been appointed as the Chair. We are continuing to work on the registration of assets of community value. CBC has stated that Wivenhoe are taking the lead on this.”

21 signatures, Comrades. 21 signatures…

Finance updates confirmed that the proposed precept budget has been put to CBC. WTC is stating that this is a 32.34% increase, whereas CBC has it listed in the agenda for Full Council next week at 25%

Either way, it’s a steep rise.

Madam Mayor stated that a newsletter will be delivered to every household as soon as CBC rubber-stamps the decision on Wednesday.

Sticking with money related matters and a price review for users of the William Loveless Hall (where else?) will take place on 1st April.

No joke, etc.

Much like a proposal from Age UK Colchester for a little financial leniency in its use of the Willie Loveless. Full Council heard how the coffers are tight for the Colchester charity right now. It uses the WLH once a month for a dining club.

Madam Mayor suggested that a six-month rent-free period could be offered. This was passed unanimously, after a little local difficulty about paperwork being presented before a vote could be taken…

The agenda then raced towards the Police Houses and how the work on the temporary car park at the back is falling into shape.

Cllr Asa Aldis added the Neighbourhood Action Panel feedback:

“CBC has decided to change the process. We will now have zoned areas. The proposal is that Wivenhoe will merge with St Andrews and St Anne’s. There is not a lot that we can do. Top of our wish list now is to join the NAP up with Neighbourhood Watch.”

Joined up thinking KLAXON, etc.

And finally a defibrillator drew the meeting to a close.

Back to health, etc…

Nothing to do with the fire Station / Millfields, but a request by the Co-op to help pay for a 24 hour access defibrillator outside the store. An estimated sum of “£10 - 30 per annum” has been made by the Co-op. This was passed unanimously.

Heart rates back to a normal level.

And relax.

A bit of a quiet one from The Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe Chronicle this month. That’s *quiet* as in the Brightlingsea cousins seem to be blagging all the space. Wivenhoe is a NEWS FREE zone it appears for February. Which is no bad thing.

The all-important “nearby villages” are but a News in Brief tucked away somewhere in the hidden pages that are the B1027 Corridor.

You heard it here first, Comrades:

Anything Goes in Wivenhoe.

Which is easy for you to say as you stagger to the bar for your final half shandy of the evening still wearing your lycra tights from the morning ride.

Whoops.

Nope - ANYTHING *really does* Go In Wivenhoe.

Relax. It’s only the Chronicle treatment for the forthcoming Wivenhoe Gilbert and Sullivan Society.

Phew.

“Wivenhoe Gilbert and Sullivan Society are looking forward to treating their audience to an evening of hilarity [HILARITY] and great music at their forthcoming production of Anything Goes. The show is directed by Mary Williamson with musical direction from Hilary Brunning and with Joe Richardson on the piano.”

It’s also really rather good.

12th - 16th March at the William Loveless Hall (where else?) is where… anything goes. Premier Store, Post Offices, blah, blah, blah. Job’s a good ‘un.

Wait until the summer months; pink lycra shorts will be all the craze with the KIDS on the street.

Anything goes.

Which could also be the strapline for a new youth choir.

Well I never.

Managing to marry up the two matriarchs that patrol the B1027 Corridor of Confusion, Scoop Scarpenter brings together both Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe in a handy cut out and keep conjugality.

“Two well established local teachers, Geoff Osbourne from Wivenhoe and Alison Benz from Brightlingsea, are recruiting members for a new youth choir.”

I believe the children are out future, etc.

“Open to young people from 11 to 18 years of age, the choir will include music from a wide range of styles, from pop and rock through to classical. Students [ahem] slightly outside this age group can still apply and will be considered on individual merit.”

Gargling as the blog post is bashed out.

St. James Church in Brightlingsea is where the choir will rehearse, each Monday from 5 - 6:30pm. More information via [email protected]

Did I pass the audition?

Hey hoe.

There’s always the W.E.A. to help fill those weekends:

“A day school will be run by the Wivenhoe branch of W.E.A. on Saturday 2nd March. The class is entitled A Day in the Dark, Great Films You May Not Know.”

Is Purple Rain part of the programme?

10am - 4pm at the Congregational Hall for film fans.

Flick, flick, flickety flick over to p.6 and we find the Wivenhoe Folk Club.

FANTASTIC!

“Described as being left handed [Ooooh] balding, middle-aged, a songwriting folky and coming from Scotland’s highest village, Dave Gibb will be the guest artiste at the Wivenhoe Folk Club on 7th March.”

And here was me creaming it over Jimmy Krankie, so to speak.

£6 on the door at The Flag on the 7th to feel the folk love.

Helen Chambers reviews Monsters Rock on p.10, the Wivenhoe Panto for 2013:

“The twist in Sara Rout’s witty script was that the monsters were wimpy and terrified of humans.”

Substitute monsters for any number of marginalised social groups and you have a lesson for life. That was the main message in Monsters Rock, right?

Monster Mash was ACE, all the same.

Wivenhoe Funny Farm on the 28th February at the Cricket Club gets a mention. John Gordillo headlines. So could you in future months [seamless] if you shine through at the Comedy Classes that are continuing down at Open Space:

“Comedy classes are starting on 3rd March. This five week course is back by popular demand after successfully running in January with 12 students learning the basics of writing and performing stand-up comedy.”

Enquiries via wivenhoefunnyfarm.co.uk.

It’s the way I type ‘em.

Ha, bloody ha.

Not quite poetic, but justice all the same in poetrywivenhoe having the final word for The Chronicle for this month:

“The next club night at poetrywivenhoe will feature poets Glyn Maxwell and Suzanne Conway as the guest artistes.”

28th February, The Legion, 8pm SHOWTIME.

Time to make some Wivenhoe news for March…

I wandered lonely, as a bored hyperlocal blogger… in search of spring around Wivenhoe. A few traces of half-arsed daffodils in the back garden, but that was as good as it got. Mid-February and the Golden Days still seem some way off.

Live the dream.

Live the lure of the Farmer’s Market on Saturday morning.

Purple sprouting broccoli raised its purple head as a possible timely reminder that the winter woes are almost over. The Congregational Hall wasn’t exactly heaving with hyperlocal produce of spring, but then the heaters weren’t required either.

The best barometer for measuring the change of the seasons is to see what is on sale each month at the Farmer’s Market. I’m not sure how this system for seasonal forecasting fits in with a key cutter on the lawns of the Congregational Hall, but he certainly put a spring and smile in my step.

The Invasion of the Daffodils isn’t the only indicator for any amateur back-garden spring watcher. Other shades of colour are also available. The snowdrops have been identified, but I’m still struggling with the purple beast that has appeared under the cover of night.

A mid-week walk in Wivenhoe Wood failed to ignite the spring passions. Never go in search of signs of fertility as a single man shortly before luncheon. Green shoots started to sprout amongst the autumn overlay of the undergrowth. Trickles of streams flowing down to the muddy banks were more of a reminder of the wet Wivenhoe weekends of late.

And so are the mucky windows back at base. A weekend To Do List waiting to happen, the window cleaning session has been continuously delayed because of the failure of spring to shine some light through the window panes. As long as the skies remain bruised then the bird shit won’t be able to be identified from within.

Winter in Wivenhoe hasn’t been one of hibernation though. The lawn has been forked (FORKED) on a daily basis. Like an ageing footballer that has seen better days, stud marks now grace where hopefully the green and pleasant will soon appear. Best bury the cat pooh first.

Ah yes, and what of the malting moggy as a seasonal signifier? Clusters of cat fur have yet to appear on the carpet. She’s a clever little thing, keeping her winter coat and not losing the layers at the first misguided calls from a modern day Michael Fish.

The 4am bedroom visits have reduced over recent days. It’s not a symbol of love between man and moggy, but simply a need to keep warm. The first cup of tea of the day has now been taken without a sight or sound from the cat. Sunlight at 6:30am and she’s already out playing. Come the summer solstice and the cat world resembles a feline playground for dirty stop outs.

Nope - if you want to seek signs of spring in Wivenhoe then you need to drink from the fountain of eternal youth. This has appeared over recent days emerging out of the beer cellar at The Greyhound. A beer pipe is protruding from deep down below, spurting out ale with a little limp enthusiasm for all to soak up for free.

Which sorta sums up spring in Wivenhoe.

Chin chin.