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To the Town Council Offices on Monday evening for the monthly meeting of our friends from Wivenhoe Town Council. I say “friends” in complete sincerity - I don’t see Mr Speaker welcoming people into the Public Gallery at Westminster with a beaming smile and the offer of glacier mint.

Nine of our good Councillor’s were present around the top table on Monday, with a Civic suited, booted and blinged up Mr Mayor chairing the meeting. Three members of the public were also present, which has to be encouraging for local accountability and political access.

Essex County Councillor Julie Young spoke first, updating WTC on her recent work as Colchester’s representative at a county level. Traffic has once again been a priority, with speeding levels around Wivenhoe being a concern for local residents.

Rectory Road keeps on cropping up, along with the approach to Broomgrove School. Cllr Young has asked the police to intervene, whenever local residents raise the issue. A pilot study of the 20′s Plenty initiative has been undertaken. Cllr Young is chasing this up, with a view to rolling it our along the non-residential streets around Wivenhoe.

Keeping with the transport theme, Cllr Young then updated WTC over the issue of a footpath approach to the football club along Elmstead Road. Funding is in place for further investigation, with possible money for the implementation of the project being made available in April.

Those glacier mints then came in handy, when through *shhh* gritted teeth, Cllr Young bigged up Dave’s #bigsociety. Funding for around £50k (not so big then…) may be available for Colchester and Tendring. Individual grants of around £500 to kick-start #hyperlocal community projects within Wivenhoe could be up for grabs.

You call it #bigsociety, we call it Community Initiative - Cllr Young then outlined her track record on delivering with similar schemes locally, pointing out improvements to the skateboard park and new nets for the football pitches at KGV.

Inspiring Ideas is the name of a new initiative from Essex County Council. They like their positive lexicology, these politico types. I would suggest that if you have an idea that isn’t inspiring, then you probably shouldn’t even be thinking in the first place.

The good Cllr Young rightfully pointed out that Wivenhoe is full of inspiring ideas anyway. It is hoped that the countywide scheme will be able to improve communities at a local level.

Good idea, that…

Finally Cllr Young praised the wonderful folk of Wivenhoe Moving Image, and explained how she has helped out the independent community cinema to become a key holder at the Phillip Road Centre, as well as resolving extra access issues to allow increased screenings.

Questions to our council rep followed. WTC Cllr Kraft asked if Cllr Young would like to test out the new toilets that have just been completed at the William Loveless Hall.

Steady the buffers; and the bowels.

Next up on his feet for a bit of political stand up was the ever-entertaining Cllr Steve Ford, the Colchester Borough Council representative for the Quay ward. The good Cllr Ford could appear at a stand up comedy gig, and still raise a smile telling some right ripping yarns all about potholes.

Oh - hang on…

It is the working bain of any local councillor, and yep, potholes are once again particularly heavy on the mind of Cllr Ford. Park Road and “a whooper” (blimey) along Rebow Road have recently been reported by Cllr Ford.

An insider perspective on the 20′s Plenty scheme then followed, with Cllr Ford giving an insight into the chairing an all-party CBC committee. Unlike Cllr Ford, I’ll get straight to the punch line - CBC supports the idea of the scheme throughout the borough, but is looking at funding to carry out a consultation.

Boom boom.

High praise then followed for the Wivenhoe Gilbert and Sullivan Society and their recent performance of Oklahoma! at the William Loveless Hall. Cllr Ford described the production as “fantastic,” in a move which many saw as a possible angling for the warm-up spot next year.

Cllr Ford explained the more serious matter of a recent tricky planning application for the Royal British Legion down at the Quay. This was granted by CBC, allowing much needed improvements to the historic old building, but with strong objections to the current owner of Dickie and Dennis’ old house.

Cllr Ford was pleased to report that a resolution of sorts was achieved, proving that when handled diplomatically, planning can work for the benefit of the community.

New planning laws are about to be introduced. Cllr Ford asked WTC how best to publicise these within the town. Not read the most recent WTC Newsletter, Cllr Ford? Tsk tsk.

With the agenda racing through the chamber with all the speed of the 9:23 passing through Paget Road, we were then back on to WTC matters. The meeting then became slightly clouded for the untrained eyes and ears.

Talk turned towards internal admin matters, relating to communication with a transport officer. It all started off rather innocently, and then somehow the conversation became embroiled with private internal emails, with WTC deciding to debate the issue (whatever the issue was) once the public gallery had been cleared.

Mmm…

Moving on - time for the individual WTC committees to report back. It is only when you witness the scope and responsibilities of the unpaid WTC councillors that you realise how much work and effort goes into the job. No financial reward is on offer, and often little thanks come the way of the councillors.

Cllr Liddy led with Planning. Unfortunately talk once again turned towards updating the Cllr’s behind closed doors, with “legal matters and solicitor letters and meetings” being mentioned.

I have no more to add.

The new health centre is still plodding along with nothing new to report. The meeting heard how internal changes are currently being put in place at the current health centre, suggesting that the professionals involved aren’t planning for a positive outcome any time soon.

Finance and Admin reported back with rare praise from a member of the public in the manner in which WTC is dealing with the harsh reality of a significant cut in local authority funding. Sticking with balancing the books and the Best Value committee stated that Wivenhoe Youth Hub, the May Fair and Wivenhoe in Bloom are all expected to stay within the allocated budget.

Nothing to report on the Working Party and Estates, apart from a request from the wonderfully named Essex Stragglers to use Wivenhoe Wood for a mid-summer event on the evening of the 30th June. I’ve no idea what the Essex Stragglers actually do, but I’d wager that around chucking out time on the 30th June, I could well qualify for membership.

The next agenda item was everyone’s favourite of the Wivenhoe Woodwork Party. Mr Mayor reported that the group has been attending to Ferry Marsh after the recent clean up (yeah, right…)

On to more positive matters and it’s only the Wivenhoe Community Mini Bus - hurrah! In what became something of a surreal discussion, Mr Mayor updated on how the current vehicle serves our needs perfectly. With only 51,000 miles on the clock (that’s a lot of running around Wivenhoe,) the bus is working well with no need for an update.

We then entered into Maureen’s Driving School territory, with a driving test theory style discussion all about parking and avoiding bollards.

Blimey.

The Youth Facilities Working Party reported on the current provision, and how the focus is now turning towards the top of the town and the need to fill any gaps in the services available for our young folk. The ace Youth Council has been invited into the council chamber next week to hold session.

Sticking with the civic responsibility theme, Mr Mayor then replied to that standard Westminster question of asking what the chuffers the leader has been doing since the session last met.

Rather than respond with the jaded “I have been having meetings with my ministerial colleagues,” Mr Mayor proved the point that life in Wivenhoe has a far greater WOW! factor than living in Westminster:

“On Tuesday I visited the Youth Club which is going from strength to strength. I organised and attended the Mayor’s Civic Ball, raising money for the Mayor’s charity. I have witnessed the work being carried out at Broomgrove around Fair Trade. I went to the Colchester Mayor’s Civic event, where I was surrounded by bling. I have met with the bursary fund at the University. I am proud to announce that we will be funding five students next year. I have met with Wivenhoe Helping Hands, I attended the dedication of Major Tom Burt’s memorial and I thoroughly enjoyed Oklahoma!”

Cripes. Somebody pour that man a stiff G & T. Or even offer him another Civic glacier mint.

Meanwhile, Mr Mayor was then on the back foot, offering up an explanation as to why he was seen to be formally opening a botox and teeth whitening clinic.

Sucking in his cheeks, and with his best cheesy grin, Mr Mayor offered up the excellent answer of being offered a £200 gift certificate to auction off at the Mayor’s Charity Ball.

Job’s a good ‘un.

Talk also turned toward Mr Mayor’s alternative ball. For those fearing a mass Goth invasion of the William Loveless Hall with pints of cherry brandy and cider being consumed by men wearing clogs and eyeliner - relax…

The alt ball is for those who perhaps don’t appreciate the formalities of the black tie event. Planning is underway with an esteemed local promoter. I hear *shhh* that the Loveless Hall is being transformed into The Cavern with a 60′s style event being staged.

With no pause even for a quick Twist and Shout, it was soon time for the Town Clerk to report back to WTC. The first spring cutting of the grass has taken place at the KGV and the churchyard. The ladies loos at the Loveless Hall are complete. Budgets are up to date as we approach the end of the financial year.

Mr Mayor emphasised the versatility of our local ground staff, who one day may be mowing the KGV, whilst another they might be called upon the more sombre task of being asked to dig a grave.

It was confirmed that the official opening of the new police station up at the, um, fire station, will take lace on Saturday 26th March. The new building won’t allow access to the public (the old building very rarely had residents turning up anyway…) apart from on the open day itself. Something of a misnomer, but great to be given open access for the launch day.

New Business debate was centred on the request from St Mary’s to organise and stage a Church Ale event in September. This is essentially a medieval style pageant. Planning is required for various road closures, with permission asked to start off the procession from the KGV.

The discussion focussed on the cost of closing the roads, as well as the insurance and safety of the public, with events such as archery being proposed. The ever-helpful Cllr Needham offered clarification, explaining how the weapons were spiked poles, and the professional group involved have their own insurance.

Phew.

Ah, but who will be asked to be the Lord and Lady of the Manor in the procession? Ah, that will fall to the incumbent Mayor or Mayoress, whoever that may be following the impending WTC elections.

Speaking of which - nominations open for anyone wishing to stand as a Wivenhoe Town Councillor on 28th March, with a final deadline of midday on 4th April. It would be cruel to point out that April Fool’s Day also falls within this period…

Papers were shuffled around the table and a few nervy eyes darted back and forth within the chamber. Beware the Ides of March, my good councillors…

[public] meeting closed at 8:40.