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To the Town Council Offices on Tuesday evening for the NEW quarterly Wivenhoe Neighborhood Action Panel meeting. We may have scaled back the every other month scheduling, but boy - the NEW NAP certainly knows how to pack a few punches.

It wasn’t quite on the same scale of law and order issues around the capital of late, but the situation was tense, not to mention a little comical at times.

With a backlog of issues having built up, I wouldn’t say that it got personal, but OUCH: tense! Tense!! TENSE!!!!

It made the recent Wivenhoe Town Council grudge cricket match against the town team seem like a gentile afternoon of underarm bowling. I fought the law, and the law won.

Not really.

I sat at the back of the chamber, sharing a table with the good Chair of Wiv Soc and scribbled down the volatile agenda that one would expect from issues such as Considerate Parking and Speedwatch, before being politely asked to leave at the end as a “sensitive” issue was about to be discussed.

I hope they weren’t about to talk about the size of my prize courgettes.

But first of all, a disclaimer: this blog post is brought to you in association with the good folk of Essex Police. Not in a brown envelope sort of way, but a black biro endorsement all the same.

Tell It Like It Is, etc - it’s probably best to bring along your writing pen as well.

Whoops.

With a scribe in my hand care of the charming PSCO Louise Neville, I was glad that I didn’t have to revert to memory when recalling the conversation that came out of the first agenda item: Parking.

Oh Lordy.

Park Road still seems to be a problem. Disclaimer: close to home, blah blah blah, but as a non-car owner, I don’t really see what the problem is. Which isn’t really the point of the NAP - we’re all neighbours around here, Comrades.

One man’s Chelsea Tractor mounting the curbside two doors down doesn’t bode well for the sense of community ownership and empowerment on the street where you live. I’m sure m’South London colleagues would agree right now.

Councillor Kraft enquired if it was possible to paint one side of the road with double yellows. The good Chair of Wiv Soc raised the regulation and likely cost. Councillor Ford confirmed that this had been discussed four years ago. Residents were apparently against it.

I was reminded of my first ever NAP appearance, nervously shuffling into the Town Council Offices as the outsider back in those long lost heady days of, um, October 2010.

I was asked about any parking issues concerning my new Park Road patch. I retold the story of being fleeced by the fools at Lambeth Council and having to pay just under £200 for the privilege of parking a removal van outside MY house for one morning only.

Expecting something similar at the other during the Great Escape, contact was made with Colchester Borough Council. I was laughed off the phone when asked if I had to pay to park a van outside MY new home.

Parking in Wivenhoe ‘aint perfect, but I prefer it to what I have experienced elsewhere…

Tensions rose slightly when the good @SgtLouMiddleton was asked about the flyers to promote considerate parking that were pledged at the last NAP meeting. These have been attached to any cars around the town that aren’t parked in a considerate way, but not leafleted through the letterboxes.

It wasn’t quite a Croydon situation developing, but the long arm of the law very politely agreed to make residents more aware of what is expected parking wise.

Ah yes - considerate parking…

The above shouldn’t be capped up, but the below most certainly should.

Confused? Join the club.

The flyers, I believe, are to promote considerate parking - a linguistic term rather than a letter of the law. Considerate Parking however is a paid for initiative that has legal implications.

Wivenhoe has the former, but not the latter; Brightlingsea has both.

Blimey.

A question was asked of the panel as to why Brightlingsea manages to get funding for Considerate Parking, whereas Wivenhoe doesn’t. The political food chain of Town Councils, Borough Councils and County Councils all lead to the same paper chase of the big boys and girls controlling power (and the purse strings) over in Chelmsford.

Further complicating matters is that the local policing team in Wivenhoe can’t give their full support to Considerate Parking, but they are happy to support considerate parking.

Phew.

A Facebook group should be started with the relationship status of: It’s complicated.

Hey hoe.

Here’s something far more positive: Yoof matters within Wivenhoe. I have blogged before about how bloody brilliant the Youth Hub is. It’s not so much the facilities themselves down at the Philip Road Centre, but the sense of community and support from members and volunteers alike.

But that’s all down at the bottom end of the town - what of the top, I hear you ask?

Well…

Wivenhoe Town Council is proposing to develop Henrietta Close. Councillor Cory of the Cross ward is heavily involved and has been adding considerable support. Which is just as well, seeing as though Colchester Borough Council seems to be the only remaining stumbling block in allowing what facilities to be sanctioned.

A re-launch date is being planned for later in the month, coupled in with the putting in place of BRA. Stop sniggering - we’re talking about the resurrection of the Broomfield Resident’s Association.

The project has the expertise backing of the Hub. If the passion can be transferred from the Phillip Road Centre up to Henrietta Close, then the scheme will be an undoubted success.

With the NAP agenda speeding like a lycra clad lout along the Wivenhoe Trail (steady) - whaddya know and it’s only Wivenhoe Speedwatch.

@SgtLouMiddleton very helpfully informed the NAP that this has now been rolled out along Elmstead Road. Essentially the volunteer led scheme involves residents being trained up to use equipment to catch out speeding motorists.

It is not a snooping scheme - all volunteers wear high res jackets and the aim is to prevent, rather than to persecute motorists.

Considerable concern came from the Chair of the NAP, who enquired as to why Speedwatch isn’t quite so speedy in being rolled out around other parts of the town.

Risk assessments are involved, and being purely volunteer led, Speedwatch is always going to rely upon the goodwill and free time of those kindly stepping forward.

It’s got legs, this Big Society lark I tell ya…

I wasn’t sure who was quizzing whom, with some NAP members unhappy about the neglect of other parts of the town.

Tense! TENSE! TENSE!!!!

Oh Lordy.

Councillor Julie Young asked how often Speedwatch is currently put in place - on five occasions over the past three months apparently. The Chair asked where are the other proposed routes? @SgtLouMiddleton wasn’t prepared to volunteer this information.

It was a good point, and one well made. Why would you want to advertise where the Speedwatch scheme is about to be introduced? Accusations were made that closed information was being held back by the police.

Hardly.

@SgtLouMiddleton couldn’t have been more open in recent months in keeping residents informed about his work online. There is a sense however that Speedwatch is possibly slipping off the local agenda.

We then got bogged down slightly in the public nature of the meeting. The bored blogger sitting at the back started to chew on his Essex Police sponsored pen.

A resolution of sorts came when @SgtLouMiddlton agreed to inform the next NAP of which roads have been Speedwatched since the previous meetings, and how may vehicles have been found to be breaking the speed limit.

It was also agreed to publish this data online. ALL online sharing of information has to be a good thing. But not necessarily when it comes to NAP matters.

The bored biro chewing blogger was then politely asked to leave the open meeting, as a sensitive issue was about to be discussed.

Tense! TENSE! TENSE!!!!

And that was just me handing back my pen to PSCO Neville.

Until next time…

To the Town Council offices on Tuesday evening for the April Wivenhoe Neighborhood Action Panel meeting. I was in good company as well - with 5th May and polling day rapidly approaching, it was encouraging (and not surprising) to see a raft of local politico types from the red and blue side of the great divide, all squaring up around the Town Council table and talking complete twaddle.

Whoops - wrong Borough / Town.

This is Wivenhoe etc. We are overtly political with a small c (and it doesn’t stand for what is use to do back in m’South London days, Comrades…)

Ah, but wait - what’s this? It’s only the Deputy Speaker of the House of Lords entering the Wivenhoe Town Council chamber.

Cripes.

Esteemed company indeed, with Mr Deputy substituting the political hot potato of Westminster for parking, pedestrians and dog pooh in Wivenhoe.

It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

One by one, and jaws dropped in the Wivenhoe food chain of politico hierarchies. We had Wivenhoe Town Councillors, Colchester Borough Councillors and Essex County Councillors all present. The top trump of them all was the Deputy Mr Wig, here in an observation role, to see how local policing works.

Lovely to have you here in the Hoe, kind Sir. I hope that this little slice of local democracy compared well to the day job back in the chamber.

And so what of this little slice of local democracy, Comrades?

Um…

Arriving ever so slightly fashionably late, I interrupted the good Chair in full flow, who was about to abandon the Wivenhoe NAP. Well, not quite, but certainly a common sense scaling down of the current schedule of meeting every couple of months.

The reasoning? Parking (and not dog pooh) dominates the NAP agenda. In these austere and uncertain of economic times (I noted Mr Deputy making a note of this) there is very little dosh in the Essex County Council budget to implement any NAP arrangements.

I’m sure we’d all rather be back at base, watching Eastenders, or whatever it is that local politico and community types do of a spare Tuesday evening.

The rubber stamp of the long arm of the law was required to pass this motion. A quick look around the council table and we appeared to be in a state of anarchy in Wivenhoe. Law and order was absent.

And then with perfect Keystone Cops comedy timing… ‘evening all.

‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello - what have we here then? It’s only the very decent Sgt Middleton and PC Bond arriving at the scene of the non-crime. Protocol was observed; NAP resolved to meet once a quarter. Back to the cops and robbers on Eastenders then.

But first a brief run through of what was left on the NAP agenda. With all but one item relating to traffic, Mr Chair asked if there were any objections in not having to sit through a car crash of a NAP agenda, debating transport issues when there is plenty of political will, but not much economic capital.

Essex County Councillor Julie Young added a positive update to the transport agenda. The lady’s not for turning (steady) but a u-turn of sorts by Essex County Council was passed on from our Colchester representative.

A new parking initiative has been set up, roughly slicing the county between the north and the south. With Sunny Colch holding the power base in the north, all parking provision will be channeled through the Oldest Recorded.

This was implemented on 1st April (no kidding…) and is still being worked out at a County level as to how it will actually work at a #hyperlocal level. There is new funding however to be used for any outstanding parking issues. We may be political with a small c in here in Wivenhoe but our PARKING PROBLEMS are so bad that I have typed them in CAPS.

See what I did there?

The very decent NAP Chair suggested that if *any* funding comes our way, it should be put to use in resolving the continued parking congestion around Tesco.

Wwwwhat…?

Hang on - Tesco?

Yep - here in Wivenhoe. It seems that Londis / One Stop is about to be re-branded as Tesco. One Stop is simply the badge name anyway for what marketing types call a white label version of the brand.

Basically it means that the brand is toxic in a little local community, and so it gets a new name. It’s a bit like the Royal family pretending that they’re not really a bunch of bierwust biters. Except here in Wivenhoe, the brand is about to bite back. Tesco here we come.

Oh Lordy.

Such semantics shouldn’t lose track of the main traffic issue here: parking outside One Stop is a pain. Putting a new sign above the shop front ‘aint gonna solve the issue.

What we need is a #hyperlocal campaign; perhaps a budding local type with good intentioned politico ambitions to, y’know, start a petition.

Ah - lookey here - sitting to my left (and not my Left) was the very charming Mo Metcalfe Fisher, the Conservative candidate for the Wivenhoe Cross ward in the forthcoming Colchester Borough Council local elections.

Parking is an issue that Mo has addressed. If he can convince Essex County Council that the £30k needed to fob off BT and the like to implement a better parking scheme is worthwhile, then he deserves the job of, um, Deputy Speaker in the House of Lords.

And so having resolved not to talk about parking, the NAP then talked about parking and other car related matters: Blink and you’ll miss it - it’s only Speed Watch as the next agenda item…

There is some genuinely good news to report here. The Chair raised this issue at the recent meeting of NAP heads (something which I have been called once or twice in my time.)

Authorisation has now been given for the local team of trained volunteers to venture out on to Elmstead Road and point their pointy equipment at any speeding motorist. The only reason that this has not happened sooner is because of the recent road works.

Any passing motorist (or even cyclist) speeding up to Broad Lane best watch out as from now on. The Cross and Rectory Road are next up on the radar for the Speed Watch folk. Councillor Steve Ford chipped in with the suggestion of Bobbits Way in his Quay ward to also be under the Speed Watch consideration.

A debate then followed about exactly when this will all commence. Wearing my civic hat and I’m not going to tell you - the whole point is to catch out any boy racers / girl cyclists. Actually a date hasn’t been set; but it may be tomorrow. Or the day after. Or perhaps after the Royal Wedding? Well, sometime before the next NAP anyway.

Officially signed off under: PROGRESS.

Sgt Middleton then updated briefly on the continued search for any Emerging Communities in Wivenhoe. Nope - nothing; just an exiled South London blogger.

Any Other Business had a local resident raising the issue of unwelcome ball games being played by young folk around Henrietta Close up towards the top of the town. It started off as one of those provincial local matters that must have had Mr Deputy Speaker from the House of Lords scratching his ceremonial wig.

But this was a very real issue for the local resident, who articulated her case well, and developed the matter to become more of a concern about the bureaucracy of red tape at a very #hyperlocal level of governance.

Who do you turn to? The NAP? Turns out not, according to the NAP members. WTC? Colchester Borough Council? Essex County Council? The police?

All agencies have been approached, yet still the problem exists. This discussion was played out to a Carry On Red Tape conclusion. We even had a *shhh* Labour member praising Dave’s #bigsociety.

Blimey.

We soon got back on track with another AOB Q on Considerate Parking - or more to the point, why did the NAP rule out implementing a considerate parking scheme, as has been put in place over in Brightlingsea?

Sgt Middleton pointed out that he doesn’t want to tie up his staff with admin matters. A good point, and well made. A lively discussion followed, once again demonstrating that if the NAP is only in place to discuss parking, little will be resolved.

And so that was the April NAP done and dusted, and just about in time to catch Eastenders back at base. It wasn’t quite the soap opera I expected (NAP, not Eastenders) and there wasn’t exactly a cliffhanger at the end.

We’re very conservative with a small c in Wivenhoe. Mr Deputy Speaker would no doubt agree.