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To the William Loveless Hall! …on Saturday afternoon to watch LIVE Premier League football being shown in 3D HD on a 100 inch plasma screen, refreshments from a newly installed cocktail bar with a bunny girl waitress service and the offer of a stretch limo personal lift home to all residents of Wivenhoe, kindly paid for by our friends from Wivenhoe Town Council.

Only joking, Comrades.

Well - not quite…

Money is an all-important issue for any hyperlocal town council during these lean times, especially so when the fat of the land from the political food chain up above is rather anorexic.

So is the land itself, it seems.

Bunny girls aside, filthy lucre and land were both prevalent at the Loveless Hall on Saturday. WTC had called the public meeting to ask the revolting residents what they think about the “gift” of some farmland from Maldon based Jenny Moody Properties, plus £125,000, in return for the plot of land opposite Millfields School.

In case you haven’t got half an hour to spare to take in all the cut and thrust of very valued local opinion, I’ll save you the time by flagging up the concluding comment from a resident:

“My view is to tell Jenny Moody properties where they can stick their £125k.”

Good point, well made.

That was pretty much the public meeting done and dusted. Is The Greyhound open yet?

For the formal record, here’s how the revolting residents of Wivenhoe went about the process of instructing it’s Town Council to voice the opposition to the “gift” of an offer, as well as the continued belief that WTC is acting on behalf of the revolters.

Mayor Needham opened the standing room only public meeting, stating:

“How rewarding it is to see so many people. It is important that enough people have clearly indicated their view on the points that we are discussing.”

With concern expressed at the WTC meeting last Monday that a number of plants might be in place, Mayor Needham added:

“We ask and respect that only residents of Wivenhoe take part in the final vote.”

The purpose of the afternoon was outlined:

“What do the residents of Wivenhoe think of the negotiating offer put forward to WTC by JMP?”

To call it a “negotiating offer” is indeed very diplomatic. You can see how the arbitration skills of Mayor Needham have led him to wear the gold chains of office, whilst I was left sitting on the front row with my stinkin’ Dunlops.

Mayor Needham continued:

“Why have we called this public meeting? Correspondence over the years have contained an increased offer for the land. If JMP obtains planning permission, the Millfields site will be sold, with a 50 / 50 split between WTC and Elmstead Parish Council.”

Ah - the Elmstead Parish Council Question around the estuary wilds is almost as controversial as the West Lothian Question within Westminster. In brief - the land on Dene Park estate, opposite Millfields Primary School, was gifted to Elmstead Parish Council as public open space in 1984 – before boundary changes. Elmstead councillors now want to sell it to developer JMP to help pay for leisure facilities in the village.

To help ease the collective conscience (yeah, right…) of WTC, Elmstead Parish Council is also offering up two acres of nearby farmland as a “gift” [geddin!] to the residents of Wivenhoe.

Mayor Needham outlined how:

“WTC believes it is acting on the general view of the residents of Wivenhoe in opposition. This has prompted a response from JMP, questioning this.”

What JMP of Maldon is politely saying, is put up or shut up. Which brings us back to the packed Loveless Hall on a Saturday afternoon, when quite frankly, most folk would rather be sipping half pints of lager shandy outside the Rose and Crown.

Name yer price, is also the message (of sorts) coming out of JMP. This is a question worth examining in more detail. The £125k offered to WTC will also be offered to Elmstead Parish Council. What’s ours is yours, etc.

Um - hang on…

So a poxy figure has led some local revolting Wivenhoe residents to the conclusion that JMP knows the price of everything but the value of nothing. I count myself in this rather fine demographic.

The Millfields land is right opposite our fine local primary school. As well as the considerable disruption and possible danger that building “between five to eight” house will incur, the long term effect is the surrender of yet more valuable green space in Wivenhoe.

Where’s the good Tom Roberts when you need him to shout out “Wivenhoe is full!”

Standing down the side of the packed Loveless Hall, actually…

Questions were then opened up from the floor; answers were kindly provided by Mayor Needham:

Q. Who owns the farmland that is being “gifted?”

A. Farmer Bowes.

Q. Would the £125k be subject to thieving [aha!] from Colchester Borough Council?

A. All correspondence has made it clear that it will be allocated to WTC.

Q. £125k + £125k = £250k - is this the asking price for the land?

A. No - it is the net profit after the various purchase administration fees.

Q. Can you confirm that Elmstead Parish Council actually owns the land?

A. Yes.

Q. It therefore follows that if Elmstead Parish Council is the owner, they would then be selling the land to JMP. This means that it is Elmstead Parish Council that is “gifting” WTC the money, and not JMP.

A. Absolutely right. The sale will only go through if planning permission is granted.

You couldn’t have more of a classic brown envelope case of a back scratching scenario if you went into the Co-op and bought a big back scratching stick and asked for it to be discreetly wrapped up in a copy of the esteemed Wivenhoe and Brightlingsea Chronicle.

Q. Local residents walk their dogs around the land. Who gives planning permission?

A. The planning authority is Colchester Borough Council. They push down to WTC for comment or recommendations.

Q. Didn’t Cllr Steve Ford say in The Gazette that he had secured the land for Wivenhoe? Is he here?

A. [from the good Cllr Steve Ford] No and yes.

Q. [and a VERY GOOD one at that...] If JMP can buy the land from Elmstead Parish Council, why can’t we as a town?

A. [and a VERY TELLING one at that...] we could, but we would have to purchase the land from Elmstead Parish Council. This could be… problematic.

Councillor Kraft that interjected with a point of order, explaining how an offer has been made in the past, but this was rejected. It seems that any back scratching can only be put in place under the patch of JMP of Maldon.

Q. If no planning permission is granted on the top site, what is to stop JMP from trying to buy the two acres of farmland for development?

Cripes.

Careless talk costs lives, Comrade.

A. If no planning permission is given to the top site, this will be the end of the matter.

A fine point from a fine mature lady sitting on the front row:

“I have been a resident of Dene Park for thirty years. This land was gifted to us. I feel morally robbed that in what was gifted is now being tried to be taken back by Elmstead Parish Council.”

And perhaps the knock out punch came in the answer given to the [non-planted] question:

“What is the status of the upper land? I thought that an agreement was made that it was gifted to residents of Dene Park by Elmstead Parish Council.”

Cometh the hour, cometh Comrade Cyril Liddy, an ex-Town Cllr with an inner working knowledge of the ins and outs of the status of land on Dene Park that is almost on par with my inner working knowledge of Roy of the Rovers:

“The deeds that I have in my hand state that the land should not be used for any other purpose than public space.”

In other words, this is a done deal, JMP. Time to move back to Maldon, or whatever local community you want to sniff around and try and claim some gift for the local coffers in return for green land.

Um, good luck, Madam.

An incredibly brave lady of *shhh* Elmstead Parish Council then had the balls (sort of) to stand up at the Loveless Hall, declare who she was and offer up the defence for land grabbing.

Thankfully the Church Ale was last weekend, else I fear that an escort down to St Mary’s and some time spent in the stocks might have seen an end to her Saturday afternoon.

Meanwhile…

Best Q - EVER: Colchester Borough Council have let us down very badly. If this was land in Israel, and Palestine applied for ownership, what would happen?

Um, Tony Blair would get involved and make even more of a mess? Best stay out of Millfields, Tone.

Q. How dare Elmstead Parish Council ask us for our land? It should have been given to us when Colchester Borough Council took us over.

Cllr Sinclair of WTC then added:

“If I was a member of Elmstead Parish Council, I would be doing everything I can to try and protect the residents that I serve.”

Fair point, but opening up local political squabbles with your nearby neighbours isn’t exactly going to do wonders in helping to create an atmosphere of co-operation.

Time to walk it like you talk it. Or as they say down at The Station at chucking out time: are you a lover or a fighter?

Kiss kiss, Comrades.

The proposal came from the floor to conclude the meeting with two questions upon which to be vote:

(i) The residents of Wivenhoe believe that the top land is unsuitable for development and

(ii) the gifted land is unsuitable for the purpose offered.

Cllr Kraft wanted to make it clear before the vote that:

“If we reject the offer, we lose £125k, and also possibly the use of the farmland.”

“But that’s blackmail!”

…came the cry from the back row of the Loveless Hall.

“This whole thing is blackmail,”

…replied the good lady.

More Q’s…

Q. Is Elmstead Parish Council acting illegally?

A. I am not prepared to answer legal questions.

Fine answer, Sir.

Definitions were then bounced back and forth, with the meeting seeking to find the best response for JMP. It was here that the “stick it up yer…” comment achieved the loudest applause of the afternoon.

The meeting finally voted on:

“This meeting of the residents of Wivenhoe objects to the offer put forward by JMP to WTC.”

YES

“Wivenhoe residents support WTC in representing them.”

YES - with bells on.

Phew - had me for a while on that second one, Comrades.

And that was yer lot. JMP was sent pack back to Maldon, Elmstead Parish Council was told to have a little more value than a poxy £125k when trying to sell residents short, and the revolting residents of Wivenhoe waited for the floor to clear, the 100 inch 3D HD TV to show the Man Utd match, and cocktails being served up by bunny girls.

Betcha they were from Elmstead.