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To the Church! Um… To the Loveless Hall! Nope, make that… To Rectory Road!

The Wivenhoe Weekender had @AnnaJCowen and I in something of a flap on Saturday, as we attempted to fit into the waking hours an assortment of events that required, dedication, endurance and something slightly stronger than the mug of Horlicks that knocked us out the night before.

Only joking.

But with the Wiv Soc Fun Day, Art in the Church, the Wivenhoe Allotment and Garden Association Show, Cricket at Rectory Road and the King’s Speech being screened by Moving Image, last man standing was probably last man left with the saucer eyed stare come Saturday night.

The charming folk of Wiv Soc came a calling on Saturday morning. A pluck of a fiddly diddly folk guitar string, some plinky plonky piano and a raging (steady) hangover from the night before awoke us.

Never sleep with the window open in Wivenhoe. You never know what delights might greet you come the morning.

The girl scrubs up well, which is… just as well, seeing as a morning spent at St Mary’s was on the agenda. A most charming chat with Transition Town Wivenhoe all about kayak carrying etiquette, top tuneage from the Folk Club and even the appearance of the prettiest pig that the old churchyard has possibly seen.

You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig, as I reminded @AnnaJCowen as we took up our place in the pew for Art in the Church.

Complimenting the religious artefacts within the sacred walls was some rather wonderful local paintings for one weekend only. We skimped on the £1 programme (lipstick to buy later) and took a gamble with a gander at the gallery.

Curiosity got the better of us; it must be all that post-Christianity guilt. A splendid cricket painting caught our eye, and we pondered at the price, and a possible purchase with the aid of a programme.

My mind was momentarily distracted by a full frontal nude from a 44FF charming local lady. Ah, I recognise her, I thought as I made my way over to the altar. Sadly not in the flesh, you understand, but a portrait painting that left little to the imagination of the art worshippers within.

Nice lipstick, as well.

Other noteworthy exhibits included David Needham (not bad for a European Cup winner with Forest…) Frank Baker’s unique Mediterranean interpretation of the Quay in watercolours and Gillian Baker’s acrylic re-working of the riverside front. The red dots indicating a sale matched the red richness of the acrylic textures.

But the time and tide of the quayside colourings wait for no man - or even no allotment crazed new kid on the block who has his heart set on securing a patch to plough the fields and scatter up towards the top end of the town.

And Now For a GOOD NEWS Wivenhoe Veg Story - phew:

The 47th WAGA show up at the Loveless Hall (where else) was everything that you could want from a good old honest country show. It came a close second to the splendour of Open Gardens for being our best moment so far in our Year in Wivenhoe [which is almost up for renewal...]

I knew that we would be in for a surprise as soon as we saw the scarecrow decorating competition just outside the car park. Broomgrove School had themed the entrants around the Royal Wedding. Sadly there wasn’t a firmed up straw backside of Pippa Middleton to pat, but Prince Charles looked like he was having a good time at the WAGA show.

I overheard @AnnaJCowen comparing sizes of courgettes with some green-fingered fella by the Loveless Hall entrance. I made a mental note to repeat back at base my earlier conversation about the pretty pig.

With the WAGA judging completed from earlier in the morning, all that was remaining now was to stuff your pockets with sweet corn and try and snaffle a king size chocolate cake to soak up all the booze.

But first - what about putting your name down on the Allotment waiting list?

Oh Lordy.

We had a charming, charming chat with a most charming, charming WAGA woman. Names and address on the back of a plate, and now we just need to wait for some old fella to think about tending that great allotment up in the sky.

We’ll need a wheelbarrow ASAP - not for all the beastly business of getting muck underneath your fingernails, but simply to transport the doorstep slices of fudge cake that were in Cafe WAGA. I’ve eaten less filling hog roasts.

A quick catch up of the tweets from earlier in the day [get you] and the girl pointed out that @Wtcccricket had been set a fine run chase by the friendly rivals up the road from Frinton.

To Rectory Road! … came the cricketing battle cry, as we lugged a bag full of beetroot up towards the Cricket Club. “I hope we don’t get a bag search,” said the girl.

Arriving fashionably late just after the tea / booze interval. Wivenhoe were chasing down an impressive 237. This was the Battle of Essex, with 3rd placed Wivenhoe taking on 4th placed Frinton. I’m not sure what the prize was, and nope, I’m not going to make any Essex girl jokes either.

“My dad is a big hitter, but only because he doesn’t like running…” has to be the cricketing quote of the season. Fair play, little fella for your fantastic boundary banter.

It even hit into the long grass @AnnaJCowen’s observation of:

“He’s injured - I’d hit upon him.”

I bet you would, my dear. But probably best to put on some lipstick first.

The skies began to bruise shortly before 6pm with Wivenhoe on 159-6. We made the strategic decision of buggering back to base and continuing with the booze.

The final leg of the Wivenhoe Weekend fell foul to the Fosters. The King was calling at Moving Image, but so were the lovely neighbours with a cunning plan to have a piss up disguised as a games evening.

Piggy in the middle?

It’s as you were for next weekend in Wivenhoe: the Church Ale, the Sailing Club Open Day, the Colne Barrier Open Day and the Transition Town Wivenhoe Barn Dance.

Blimey.

We’re buggering off to Lord’s to get away from all the frantic activity. Hard work this rural lifestyle.