Crap Match Report
| Saturday 17 November, 2007 |
Dulwich Hamlet 5 (F*** me!) Croydon Athletic 2, 17/11/07
Croydon Council announced plans this week to model the Mediterranean Borough of Croydon on Barcelona. Citrus trees, lush green landscapes and a bar on every street corner called Linker's.
 Are you 'avin a laff? |
I bet Croydon Athletic would also welcome a loan spell from that Terry Henry bloke. Especially so on Saturday when Seb Schoburgh put Dulwich 1-0 up after only fifteen minutes. The telephone exchange between Croydon and Barcelona was buzzing five minutes later when a Dulwich second from Shawn Beveney had Croydon making enquiries about a loan spell for Ronaldinho.
Don't laugh; but the five year-old girl sitting in front of me was giggling throughout the first half. Now I'm normally about as tolerant to over-excited kids as the Catholic Church is to condoms. But the laughing little princess had perfect comic timing:
'Oh, come on Croydon, show some effort!' bemoaned the bloke behind me.
'Ha! Ha! Ha!'
'We've no midfield!'
'Hee! Hee! Hee!'
'Bugger this - I'm catching the tram back to Croydon for an afternoon siesta, swiftly followed by sangria by the pool.'
'Are you 'aving a laff?'
Would the last person to leave Croydon please turn off the lights? But the turning on of the Dulwich floodlights after half an hour was just the ray of light the away team needed. What did you expect from a team that soaks up the Mediterranean sun all day?
'Come on Croydon, you're only one goal behind now,' said the bloke behind me after an away equaliser.
No shit, Sherlock. John Motson must be shaking in his sheepskin. Ha, ha, ha.
The second half saw Croydon resort to continental fancy football. Enthralling to watch... when played by professional footballers. There's no point playing one touch football though if your centre half has two left feet. Dulwich pounced on the pretty passing and powered through to score a third.
City of Continental Culture? At least the Croydon defence was acting like those 'hilarious' human statues that you see down at the South Bank.
Schoburgh scored his second on sixty-five minutes, and just like Spanish olives, Croydon were stuffed. Beveney made it five for Dulwich and the Spanish Inquisition on the away bench consisted of some strange sounding words that I'll doubt you find in the Spanish dictionary.
Croydon scored a penalty in the 90th minute. The moment was probably best summed up when some wee chap decided to have a pee in the corner of the ground - that's just taking the piss.
And so a 5-2 home win for the Hamlet. I was a handed a Tai Chi flyer as I left Champion Hill. 'Do you want health, well being and longevity?' asked the Tai Chi Master. Not right now, luv. I'm off down the boozer to get hammered after a 5-2 Hamlet home win. But thanks, anyway.
Sun (sort of,) Stella and South London.
El Viva SE22.
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