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County Championship Division Two, The Oval: Close of Play, Day One: Leicestershire 337-4 Surreys 1pt, Leics 3pts

Oval bound for @surreycricket. Anyone else in?

Oh Lordy. Some fool is in fancy dress for a County Championship match. Good start for @surreycricket, 20-1. Glorious South London morning.

Younis Khan looking a bit bewildered by all this County Championship business. Boundary boy duties for the international batsman. 31-1 L**c.

Oval fancy dress update: some fella is actually decked out as a whoope cushion. Which shows some imagination.

Domestic cricket season really is a mess. Middle Middle Middle Sex Sex Sex are starting a four day match, the morning after a T20. Bonkers.

Ah, it’s a return of the lone lemon tree, lurking around The Oval boundary. 51-1 L**c. Wicket and weather look promising for next four days.

Spin it to win it, @surreycricket. Schofield brought into the attack, before luncheon on the first day as well. Blimey. First ball: boundary.

That’s the ton up for L**c. Quick dash back to SW8 base for a spot of work. A return to The Oval for the afternoon session. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Oval bound for the afternoon session. Being joined by @AnnaJCowen. Best behaviour. Yeah, right…

Back in place at The Oval, just in time to see ton up for Jefferson. Fine knock. 170-2 L**c. @surreycricket oik Lobby finding voice. Lordy.

Glorious, glorious South London afternoon at The Oval. Cricket, fine @surreycricket commentary and the good lady wife for company. Cripes.

Tough work for young Rory HB and the ‘rrey. Oh for Gunter Nel to be available. 200 up for L**c and batting point. Bloke behind me dozed off.

Mr Meaker comes into attack for @surreycricket. It has been ghostly bowling display from the ‘rrey to date. Jefferson displaying masterclass.

Major moment: Jefferson dropped on 129. Minor moment: @AnnaJCowen has removed her shoes. Steady. 219-2 L**c.

Best Oval innings of the season so far comes to a close. Jefferson caught by Batty on 135. Standing ovation, from those still able to stand.

I am sitting next to man dressed as whoopee cushion. I’m shuffling nervously in my seat. 243-3 @surreycricket. Taylor taking charge for L**c.

Genuinely concerned what the @surreycricket Members are going to make of Wolfgang Moneypenny & @FreeSouthLondon tomorrow. *not* fancy dress.

Tea at The Oval. A man dressed as a giant whoopee cushion is making his way to the wicket. He’s about to get a lifetime ban. 245-3 L**c.

All v strange. Been mistaken for being in fancy dress. I’m wearing cycling top. Whoopee cushion man is on Special Brew. Khan bowling. Cripes.

Scooby Doo is having a crafty fag in the Peter May. He may get away with it, if pesky steward doesn’t see. 257-3 @surreycricket. Tough going.

Wicket for @surreycricket after tea. Taylor back in the hutch, turning ball from Batty and off stump hit. 269-4 L**c. Game on.

Oh dear. It has got very messy at The Oval. New ball available, but Rory HB resists. 298-4 L**c.

Make no mistake – this has been a classic Oval afternoon. More of the same with Wolfgang Moneypenny & @FreeSouthLondon tomorrow. Golden days.

LV County Championship Division Two, The Oval: Close of play, day three: Surrey 490 and 165-2 Middlesex 324, Surrey 7 pts, Middlesex 5 pts

Oval bound for the morning session.

Jumpers being removed, bare chests in OCS at The Oval. Steady, @AnnaJCowen. Strauss has his head down on 57, Newnan 10 short of ton. 163-0.

Newman dropped Two balls later and ex-Surrey boy is back in the pavillion, caught behind on 91. Good early breakthrough for @surreycricket.

Pasty goths at cricket alert. Dressed in black & lacking a tan. Top off, fella. Looks like he could do with a feed as well. 173-1 Middlesex.

Andre Nel is a boundary slog away from transforming into his Gunter alter ego. Please don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.

HONK! Wicket. Shah back in the hutch, caught cheaply for 3. Middle! Middle! Middle! Sex! Sex! Sex! Looking shaky on 178-2. C’mon the ‘rrey.

Steamy, steamy South London morning at The Oval. Glorious. @cabbiescapital and @AnnaJCowen regretting long trouser decision. 178-2.

All getting incredibly lively out in the square. @surreycricket loud mouth Gary Wilson is clearly confident following his fine knock. shhh.

Goth at cricket alert: top now removed. A police helicopter is now hovering over The Oval. No coincidence. 213-2 Middlesex. Decent session.

Strauss in his nervous ’90s. Ten more runs required for the England captain to reach his ton. Fine form ahead of Bangladesh Test. 218-2.

Straus back in the pavilion. Egland captain caught on 92. Unlucky. Dexter steps up next. Nope, not that one. 220-3 Middlesex.

Mr Ramps not happy. The Master is limping back to the pavillion with what looks like a strain. No worries. His 200 knock is in the bank.

@AnnaJCowen is suffering. The poor girl has come to The Oval on the hottest day of the year, wearing a thermal vest.

Work beckons. Back to SW8 base with Middlesex on 230-3.

LV County Championship Division Two, The Oval: Close of play, day two: Surrey 490 Middlesex 148-0

Oval bound for an @surreycricket Member’s meeting.

A lot of unhapy faces at @surreycricket Member’s meeting. Long Room atmosphere of doom.

Confirmed: Brian Lara *not* coming to The Oval. Thank f for that.

Gus Mackay confirmed that Lara approached @surreycricket and not other way round. Wanted IPL window. Negotiations broke down. Wonga…

Chris Adams looking down. Describes start of season as “unacceptable.” Singles out Afzal for loss of wicket yesterday.

Praise from Adams for the Master Mr Ramps. Mentions a “difficult personal month.” Eek.

Focus now is to shore up batting ahead of T20. Big task.

Confirmation that Younis Khan has signed for @surreycricket. Visas not withstanding, should be in place for Old Trafford trip.

Poor Chris Adams is something of fall guy for @surreycricket. Players not performing, but Adams taking stick from Members.

Surprise surprise- Chawla definitely not coming to @surreycricket. Along with Khan, “one more overseas player” being lined up.

Decent Q: Do old pros have any issue playing under young Rory HB? “Absolutely not” said Adams. I’m a big fan of the boy wonder.

@SurreyCCC Khan deal was for T20. Current dire batting situation means he has been talked into opening in the Championship. Cripes!

Adams clearly frustrated (um… p***** off) with whole overseas situation. Rightly so.

Taken up position in OCS. Glorious South London sun up above. I can confirm that Middlesex are as crap at football as they are at cricket.

Oh dear. Anarchy is breaking out in the OCS stand. Old boy unhappy about not being allowed behind wicket.

Just been pointed out to me that Daniel Vettori could well be the elusive overseas player that @surreycricket are still hopeful of bagging.

Ah, I had forgotten about the Younis Khan ban. So *that’s* why he has signed up for @surreycricket.

The bell is ringing and the Umps are strolling out to the middle. Ah, here comes Mr Ramps. Decent crowd. @surreycricket resuming on 286-4.

Slow start at The Oval. Mr Ramps happy just to block, before he finds his feet. 288-4 @surreycricket.

Glorious cover drive from Mr Ramps, followed by outside edge that Strauss almost caught. Sun cream and old men in abundance. 293-4 the ‘rrey.

300 up for @surreycricket and a third batting point. Steady progress, decent score being built up. Ominous rain clouds above SE11.

Mr Ramps flicks his wrist (steady) and lobs (steady still) all the way to the boundary. 140 up for the Master. I am in awe. I am in man love.

Chap to right of me has just broken out a bowl of raspberries and cream. Gonna befriend him. Opening line? “My, what hairy arms you have.”

First serious shout of the morning. Spriegel survives half hearted appeal. Gloomier in the outfield than it was in Long Room earlier. 318-4.

Outside edge for Spriegel, just above off stump and he’s caught behind for 12. Batty in the middle to build with Mr Ramps. 322-5 the ‘rrey.

150 up for Mr Ramps, swiftly followed by a slog down to the boundary. Big score building for @surreycricket. 336-5, 500 plus a possibility.

HONK! Wicket. Batty out for an unlucky 13. Middle! Middle! Middle! Sex! Sex! Sex! chipping away. Mr Ramps running short of bedfellows. 355-6.

Earplugs in as loud mouth Gary Wilson walks to the crease.

A chill in SE11 air. Hairy Arm Man is standing to attention. Mr Ramps batting on regardless, 172. What a man. 366-6 ‘rrey ahead of luncheon.

Cripes. What’s happening to Warwickshire at Edgbaston?

Final over before luncheon. 374-6 @surreycricket, and the morning session belongs to the ‘rrey. Heading back to base for afternoon of work.

Surrey 318/7d, Bangladeshis 372/6 (102.5 ov), Bangladeshis lead by 54 runs with 4 wickets remaining in the 1st innings, stumps, day 2.

A break in the working day. Sneaking out to catch the rest of the morning session at The Oval. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Glorious. Free entry in SE11 to see a team of international cricketing superstars. Oh, and Bangladesh.

Surrey loudmouth Gary Wilson is in his element behind the stumps in a deserted Oval. They can hear the Irishman up at Lord’s.

Lone howl of approval from a Bangladesh fan sitting in the Peter May. 61-1 Bangladesh, againt the @surreycricket stiffs. Entertaining.

Blimey. Alec Stewart is on boundary boy 12th man duty at The Oval. Would love to see the @surreycricket legend out there again for a knock.

More pigeons inside Oval than spectators. Lone Bangladesh supporter making more noise. 50 up for Jahural, chasing down @surreycricket’s 318.

Discussing with Member’s what mood will be at first Cricket Forum in Long Room next week. Revolution is in the air. Cripes.

I’m hearing that the @surreycricket Brian Lara non-story was just that. Probably for the best.

Member’s debating star players and commitment to club given living outside of Ldn. Makes boundary ward displaced local politicians seem sane.

Watching / listening to 2 games. The ever splendid @surreycricket is 30 secs behind play, streamed on iPhone. Audio equivalent of replay.

10 minutes until luncheon at Oval. @sureycricket increasing over rate with spin, hopeful of a wicket. I’m hopeful of Wilson keeping gob shut.

Here comes Spriegel from V End. Really wish @surreycricket 1st team would have more faith in youth, as stated in aim. Couldn’t be much worse.

Jahural looks in fine form for Bangladesh ahead of first Test. Ashraful dropped on the boundary before luncheon.

Derbyshire 451 & 274-6dec beat Surrey 352 & 165 by 208 runs. Derbyshire 23pts, Surrey 6pts.

Righto. Work done for now. Off to The Oval to see @surreycricket slog out a draw.

@mazlaws I am wearing gloves. And tights. True!

Taken up seat in the Peter May, just in time to see fall of 5th @surreycricket wicket. Whoops. All over by tea. 67-5. Housework beckons.

Brought the SLR along to The Oval for company. @surreycricket defeat likely, but exercise in photography experimentation. Calamity out there.

Runs are rather short around The Oval this afternoon. 81-5 @surreycricket. Slighty more Members in than runs on board. Booze free again.

Spin it to win it (D****s, not @surreycricket, obviously.) 95-5. Only 279 required for the ‘rrey win.

Hang on. @surreycricket are in serious danger of making game of this. Couple of boundaries off last over. 100 on scoreboard. Live the dream.

Davies dropped on 42. Make it to tea, make it the pavilion and who knows? Alcohol may even pass my lips. 5 pints & full of ‘rrey optimism.

Scratch that. It’s gonna be a teetotal tea, and back at base in time to get the Hoover out. Batty trapped lbw for 12. 105-6, save ‘ain’t on.

Wonderful banter with some D****s elderly gents. I warned of a lifetime ban, should they cross some security tape. Brave fellas ventured.

Back after tea & 50 up for young Davies. Only 259 and @sureycricket will have their second win in two seasons. Strange yellow object in sky.

Whoops. @surreycricket 126-7. Davies goes for a fine 56. Poor old @cabbiescapital is SE11 bound as well. Optimism / booze of AGM misguided.

The @surreycricket save is on. 22 overs remaining, 139-7. Failing that, a spot of rain in @SE11 would be appreciated.

Big big shout at The Oval, but I say it again: @surreycricket Save is on. Couple of tourists just walked in wearing wigs. SE11 is like that.

Whoops. Mr Meaker clean bowled for 21. @surreycricket Save not so strong now. All down to Big Gunter. Gosh. 14 overs remaining, 156-8. Eek.

Doomed I tell you. Doomed. Gunter caught for a fine 15. Last man standing Dernbach. @cabbiescapital doing rain dance. The ‘rrey Save um, off.

Six slips, not a single player on the boundary. This ‘ain’t going the distance. 159-9 @surreycricket. Save is off.

Hang on. @surreycricket Save is sort of back on. Seven overs remaining,161-9. Have faith. Yeah, right…

Over and out. Deserved win by D****s. Oh dear @surreycricket.

Close of play, day three: Derbyshire 451 & 161-3, Surrey 352
Derbyshire 5pts, Surrey 3pts

Oval bound.

Had my doubts over @surreycricket yesterday. Not so this morning. Mr Ramps is on a mission. Raced to 69, 209-5 the ‘rrey, chasing down 451.

Another four from Mr Ramps. He’s shaping up for what could be another career defining innings. @surreycricket barman has come out to watch.

Female cricket company arrived. Made sunshine friendly switch from pavilion to OCS. In good company. Lycra clad bicyclist nearby. 214-5.

SE11 clouds burning out. Perfect batting conditions. 74 for Mr Ramps. Could be in for something special at The Oval today.

Doing a double Nelson dance as @surreycricket reach 222-5. Annoying helicopter buzzing overhead. Mr Ramps not fussed. Decent partnership.

Day 3 at The Oval. Still sober. Cripes. Can’t see it lasting all summer. 250 up for @surreycricket. Mr Ramps on 99.

Savour these Golden Days down at The Oval. Glorious, glorious watching Mr Ramps command the crease. New ball taken. 264-5 @surreycricket.

Having said that… Mr Ramps falls for a magnifficent 102, caught behind. Whoops. 264-6 is still respectable response for @surreycricket.

Here comes Me Meaker. Rentaghost theme stuck in my head. Here’s hoping he doesn’t pop off to soon. Aha! 264-6 the ‘rrey.

Just given the wink to @cabbiescapital fave D****s player, Stefan Jones. The big boy is on boundary duty at The Oval. 278-6 @surreycricket.

Cracking commentary tales from the superb @surreycricket. Hearing how Piers Morgan left behind old wedding photos & MJ memorabillia in loft.

Plus the first mention of “the ice cream man with the loudest tinkler in South London.” Glorious. 50 up for Batty. 288-6 @surreycricket.

Mr Meaker caught cheaply on 18. Signals luncheon at The Oval. 290-7 @surreycricket. How valuable was that century from Mr Ramps?

Been reminded of weird Oval start to the day. Fella turns up at gate, and expresses surprise that game of cricket in play. Expecting what?

Lovely to see picnicing familes enjoying the outfield at The Oval during luncheon.

Day 3 at The Oval. Still booze free. Blimey.

Players back out after luncheon at The Oval. Big man Gunter survived very weak appeal from D****s. Sun still basking in the OCS. 295-7 ‘rrey

@surreycricket slowed down the run rate following luncheon. Not surprising. Fine knock of 65 from Batty comes to a close. 326-8. Draw likely

Andre Nel proving to be a real bugger for D****s to dismiss. The big fella is holding his own on 29. Tripple Nelson up for @surreycricket.

Short sleeves temporarily covered up in SE11. Early season tan topped up enough anyway. @surreycricket chasing batting point. 339-8.

Leaving The Oval and heading back to SW8 base for cricketing work commitments. Cripes.

Close of play, day two: Surrey 185 for five (58 overs) (Ramprakash 63*, Davies 51, Smith 3-36 ) trail Derbyshire (451 all out, C J L Rogers 200, G M Smith 66, Batty 3-115) by 266 runs.

Righto, Oval bound for the afternoon session with @surreycricket. Debating the ethics of booze free once again. Blimey.

Sat in the OCS, blue earpiece in and listening to the splendid @surreycricket. Good crowd, sun blazing, 442-9 D****s. Need to polish em off.

Gunter Nel eyeing up an empty seat. I’m fearful for the empty seat. Frustration as @surreycricket try and limit the D****s damage. 450-9.

Hurrah. Finally. Meaker ends the innings. 451 all out. @surreycricket need a decent session up until tea. 100 with no loss would be good.

@surreycricket reply underway. Good to see Academy players Harinath & Sprigel opening. Early scare as Harinath dropped. Potato salad superb.

Booze free afternoon at The Oval going rather well. I’m actually following action in the outfield for once. Solid @surreycricket start, 10-0.

Slow going for @surreycricket. 20-0 on the 11th. No worries. Plenty of time to increase run rate. Old boys behind me babbling away. Nonsense.

@surreycricket’s slow progress looking positively pacey, given the news of Middle Middle Middle Sex Sex Sex 126 all out. Marvelous.

Harinath dropped on 13. Turning point? Nervous start for Academy youngsters. 44 without loss @surreycricket. Pavilion bound for tea.

Whoops. Young Spriegel caught behind on 27. Can only mean one thing: time for the old master and Mr Ramps. 44-1. Need another decent knock.

Young lady in front has collapsed in the OCS seats. Speaking of which – any SE11 sightings of @AnnaJCowen?

Same old @surreycricket. Maybe. Hanrihath caught at gully on 16. To be fair, openers both Academy players. Need stability from Ramps & Afzal.

This just in: @AnnaJCowen is in transit, slightly tiddly. Stone cold sober here. @surreycricket could drive me to drink. 47-2.

58-3 @surreycricket at tea. Heading out on to The Oval outfield to live out my boyhood fantasies. Weary of @AnnaJCowen. Girl a bit wobbly.

Resorting to cross dressing @surreycricket. Forgot second layer. SE11 skies bruising. Borrowed @AnnaJCowen’s jumper. Looks… girly.

@surreycricket now sliding. Poor old / young Rory HB. Caught plumb, lbw for 9. 74-4, chasing D****s 450. Old master Mr Ramps still at crease.

100 up for @surreycricket. Have to confess to a slight disco nap since tea. Explaining to @AnnaJCowen that 77 is Mr Ramp’s No. Not score.

Oh dear. The @surreycricket fox is on the outfield. Seriously.

Detour back into pavilion for gents. Got lost. Ended up in corridor not seen. Amazing old photos of Oval. 1848 – all that remains is church.

Half century up for Mr Ramps. Did we ever doubt the Great Man? Holding the @surreycricket innings together. 161-4. 8 overs remaining in day.