I lost le velo last week. Herne Hill and the fine folk of Velo Club Londre will no doubt be rolling out each weekend until the Ride of the Falling Leaves. My velo days came to a close early September with the sad selling of my track bike.

Swimming @BrockwellLido is being stretched out until the end of September this summer. I have so far resisted the urge to slip into my wetsuit. An early morning water temperature of seventeen degrees is proving to be the perfect kick-start for the day.

And so having lost track cycling, and the days drifting for outdoor swimming, Friday saw Old Father Time ringing the final bell around The Oval. Time has been called on my South London cricketing fun – and I don’t mean in the bar at the Long Room, either.

@AnnaJCowen and I first started watching cricket at The Oval back in the heady days of the summer of ’95. We gatecrashed the @surreycricket Glory Years, and have been dining out (and drinking) on the experience ever since.

Drunken staggers down the Clap’ham Road back to Sunny Stockwell soon became a thing of the past. We loved our Oval experiences so much, we bought a house within earshot of the umpire’s bell.

Blimey.

Much like the weather, the memories over the past fifteen summers of South London bat and ball are somewhat hazy. Cricket is a sport that wasn’t invented to watch stone cold sober. Stats and figures are all well and good, but that’s what the annual Surrey Member’s Year Book is for in years to come as we sit back and reflect.

As for the final, final Oval trip – it wasn’t exactly over and out on a high. A solitary one run from the @surreycricket, um, legend that is Kevin Pietersen, and a second innings collapse on par with my Long Room slumbers. It should see us through the long winter months.

As for the future?

C’mon Notts the ‘rrey, um, the ‘Sex.

Oh Lordy.

A break in the working day. Off to catch the final session of play at The Oval. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Splendid bare chest action around The Oval. Mr Ramps on 75, looking strong for century.

Not quite cricket tweet of doom, but Walters pulls, catches thick edge and caught for fine 31. 284-5 @surreycricket.

Mr Ramps looking relaxed on 88. The Master key to holding @surreycricket innings together. 298-5. Observing that blokes have strange toes.

300 up for @surreycricket and third batting point of the day. Decent crowd at The Oval. Can’t beat the drama of County Championship. 300-5.

The good @surreycricket informs me that the ‘rrey have highest number of batting points in Division. Which suggests we can’t take wickets.

Watching tea interval pitch invaders at The Oval. Remembering the time when @FreeSouthLondon buried a Sth Ldn time capsule at centre wicket.

Oval bell ringing. Umps strolling back out into the middle. Key final session. Keep Mr Ramps at the crease until morning & @sureycricket ftw.

Righto. Work beckons. Back to SW8 base. 316-5 @surreycricket. A decent first day of play.

Off to The Oval for some t20 twaddle (and confusion.) My *shhh* new home team of um, Essex, are playing Kent. Cripes.

At a rather empty Oval. Essex Vs Kent t20 experiment in South London seems to have backfired. Hopeful of a good game. 20-0 Kent in the 3rd.

Nice of the Surrey fox to turn up. Oh, and @AnnaJCowen. 25-0 Kent.

@darryl1974 thinking behind Oval game was to get Essex and Kent City boys in. Seems more like @ surreycricket Members on freebies.

Major, major drop from Bopara. Essex team mates console, no doubt cursing under breath. 69-2 Kent in the 10th. Need to get a move on.

Rockin’ that cricket look, ladeees.

My cricket mistress is a tease. She has just informed me that the Oval bar has run dry. 4-0 Essex, chasing 168.

Cripes. I am actually shouting out “Esse-xxx Esse-xxx Esse-xxx” under my drunken breath. 53-1 in the 6th, chasing down 171.

@martyj21 ah, v kind, thank you. Something of #cricket sabbatical at The Oval this evening. Weird game. 86-1 Essex in the 10th. “Refreshed”

Discussing South London skyline with @AnnaJCowen from the OCS vantage point. Amazing how churches are still defining feature. 114-2 Essex.

Discussing South London skyline with @AnnaJCowen from the OCS vantage point. Amazing how churches are still defining feature. 114-2 Essex.

Classic finish lined up at The Oval. Essex need 23 off 2 overs to win. Cripes. C’mon, um, the ‘Sex.

Decent win for Essex. I think @AnnaJCowen and I will be happy as we head out East.

Ample tired and emotional folk leaving The Oval.

Oval bound for some t20 twaddle. Looking forward to an evening with @surreycricket on the OCS roof terrace. C’mon the ‘rrey! #cricket

In place in the Member’s roof terrace. With pint, with @surreycricket, with @AnnaJCowen. Two outta three ‘ain’t bad.

Early wicket for The ‘Sex. And it’s only The Master Mr Ramps. Technically run out for 0, more like mud-wicket collision. 6-1 @surreycricket.

Cripes, we’re struggling. Jason Roy also goes for a duck, second ball. 6-2 the ‘rrey in the third. Here comes Khan.

Decent shot from young Rory HB. Clears the boundary. 20-2 @surreycricket. The Oval filling up nicely.

27-2 @surreycricket in the 6th. Can’t find any momentum. Bar situation slightly different.

Oh dear. Young Rory HB back in the hutch. Great run out by the ‘Sex. @surreycricket struggling. 30-3.

Wondering if @cabbiescapital is anywhere at The Oval?

Walters walking for a pithy 1. The most ridiculous way to get out in cricket – stepping back on yer stumps. High expectations for Symonds.

Ah, my cricket mistress has arrived. With a pint as well. I choose my women well. 36-4 @surreycricket. Khan & Symonds at the crease.

50 up for the ‘rrey. Symonds exploding. Well, not quite, but y’know. May buy him a pint or ten in the bar later if he keeps it up. 57-4.

@mazlaws @SurreyCCC apologies, as ever. @surreycricket tweet of doom. Symonds cloths it, caught and bowled on 19. 59-5. Down to Khan.

I should go off tweet. Sorry. Khan walking for 21. 62-6 the ‘rrey. Gonna run out of batsmen. Ear plugs in. It’s only Gary Wildon. Oh Lordy.

Montpellier Club actually has bums on seats tonight. Membership (£1.5k pa) gives you 3 course meal & unlimited booze for every game. Cripes.

1′s and 2′s no good for @surreycricket. Peversely it’s what I need after an afternoon at the bar. 84-6 the ‘rrey in the 16th.

Ton up @surreycricket.

The @surreycricket man huddle really is rather homoerotic. Speaking of which, the ‘Sex are at the crease. 1-0, chasing down a poxy 120.

A plan / challenge: sit in every block in every stand at The oval, ahead of Great Escape. Running out of time… 16-1 the ‘Sex. Even start.

Nonsense Mexican wave at The Oval. The ‘Sex 43-1, 78 more runs required in the 7th. Best hold off that next trip to the bar.

Looking out across the South London view from the OCS Terrace and I ponder the folly of what @AnnaJCowen and I are about to commit. Cripes.

Beer snake action in the OCS. Wicket as well for @surreycricket. 82-3 the ‘Sex, 39 required in the 13th.

29 from 28 required from the ‘ Sex. @FreeSouthLondon would no doubt agree that our North London friends are labouring somewhat.

So yeah, @surreycricket lose to the ‘Sex. Hey hoe. We have a topless streaker at The Oval. He has a todger however.

Cripes.

The #lambethcoop road show (aka the bonkers bloke on a bike with a #lambethcoop advertising banner) was heading my #hyperlocal way on Wednesday morning.

Stop sniggering – this was a genuine chance to actually speak with council officers, all about the proposed #lambethcoop PR job that our friends from @LambethLabour seem set on rolling out, with or without any citizen consent.

Positioned just outside the Oval tube, the bonkers bloke on a bike guided me towards a small stand of velco style boards. A friendly chap with a clipboard picked up on my #hyperlocal interest, and the co-operative consultation started.

I later found out that the friendly chap was none other than Julian Ellerby, the Director of Campaigns and Communications for @lambeth_council; Julian later found out that I was the blogger who has been adding helpful posts to the #lambethcoop Facebook page, thanks to a giveaway greeting of “HELLO JASON COBB!!!!!” from the fine @SophiaLooney, the Director of Equality, Policy and Performance @lambeth_council.

So yeah – rumbled, but this #lambethcoop open dialogue is most definitely not about hiding away behind some anonymous online comments.

What followed was a half-decent, half-hour exchange of ideas with Julian. As @SophiaLooney had promised in our earlier podcast – absolutely everything is up for grabs with #lambethcoop.

Julian had mapped out on the velco board all areas of public provision that you would expect from a local authority. The task for any passing SE11 citizen was to prioritise these in a classic venn diagram model, to see which areas can fall into the layers of public, voluntary and private provision.

Hang on – private provision?

Yep – ‘fraid so. The man from the council was keen to explore ideas about how far citizens want to see their public services pimped out to private capital. And so yeah, everything is literally up for grabs, and as suspected all along, #lambethcoop has the scope to serve as yet another glorified trade fair for our friends from @LambethLabour and them chums in big business.

I found the exercise useful as a mental way to map out my thoughts. I conceded that some forms of private provision might be acceptable, as long as @LambethLabour doesn’t view this as an opportunity to continue to run riot with its right wing free market, free for all, throughout the rotten borough.

We talked about refuse, and the disturbing case of Veoila Environmental Management, the private company that @cllrstevereed cut a deal with to pimp out the cleaning of our streets in South London.

Julian confirmed that Veoila still doesn’t pay it’s employees a London Living Wage, a disgraceful lack of accountability for a local authority, allowing a vital public service to be left high and dry and at the mercy of the free market.

“It should be put in the contract,” admitted Julian, as I placed the Refuse velcro sign firmly back in the public sphere.

Rejecting the folly of the free market, Julian was then keen to explore my thoughts regarding the voluntary sector. I still felt that this was just another opportunity for local politicians to become less accountable, although simultaneously recognising that the council can gain by working alongside the wealth of experience.

“Battersea Dogs Home is always going to be doing better than us – this is a relationship we should be having,” argued Julian. I tended to agree. But housing? Education? Health?

We moved on to consider social care provision for the elderly and vulnerable:

“This is a huge area of investment for a local authority – it is hugely expensive. I get very nervous about sourcing this out,” commented Julian. I hope that @LambethLabour shares this anxiety in the brave new world of everything being up for grabs.

Julian finally tried to sell me the #lambethcoop idea in terms of a #hyperlocal model argument. He stated that many people feel detached from what takes place within Lambeth Town Hall, and they fail to see how it represents their own local patch.

I suggested in return that this is a huge criticism of the restrictive cabinet form of local government that we have to suffer here in Lambeth, having three local ward Councillors is supposed to encourage a feeling of local engagement.

The reality is of course one or two all conquering, all powerful local politicians making the decisions on behalf of the wards, who then bow down like sheep, such is the power of the cabinet here in Lambeth.

Any local politician that dares to question the direction of the ruling party finds himself or herself cast aside, as has been the case with Councillor Abrams over in Vassal ward.

Our half hour conversation kept on coming back to accountability. Accountability for Academies schools, accountability for Lambeth Living and yes – accountability for closing leisure centres.

The leisure agenda in particular provided a very decent debate with Julian. He was prying my opinions, to see if leisure is a service that a public local authority should be responsible in providing. At the centre of this was the Streatham Question: should the council be accountable for providing an ice rink?

In absolute terms, then the answer has to be no. It is unreasonable for any local authority to be expected to be able to offer ice-skating. As I mentioned to Julian however, the big business form of co-operation that the Labour led @lambeth_council has set up with it’s multi-national chums had only added to the confusion.

In a classic @LambethLabour stitch up of you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours, Tesco was granted planning permission for a massive new superstore, in return for the “continuity of ice” clause, that essentially means that the supermarket has to also build an ice rink for @lambeth_council.

It is this clouded vision of the #lambethcoop model that leads to cynicism. Who are the council’s co-operative partners? Citizens or big business? If private capital is allowed to be invited into the co-operative process, then all accountability is soon lost.

We can kick out local politicians that we don’t like, but removing big business from controlling our community is something very different altogether. Once the co-operation between council and private capital shows signs of weakening, as is the case with Streatham Hub, then all accountability is removed from politicians, leaving citizens stranded on the sideline.

True accountability over the mess that is Streatham Hub can only be achieved at events such as @ChukaUmmuna‘s People’s Question Time, taking place at Dunraven School on the evening of 22nd July. The local MP has invited cabinet members to answer direct questions from local residents about their concerns over the stalled project.

This is how local democracy works. We empower (and pay) politicians to make decisions on our behalf. Hopefully they get this right. If they don’t, then we get the chance to kick them out at the ballot box.

Offering civic co-operation with a big business isn’t democratic. It is a political model that is open to corruption, with all power being transferred over to private capital.

I finished off my chat by turning the tables around and consulting Julian:

“Are you a member of the Citizen’s Commission?”

The much-delayed publishing of the minutes for the first meeting of the Citizen’s Commission back in May, would seem to suggest that Julian sits on the Commission as one of the three as yet identified ‘citizens.’

“Me? No – I don’t sit on it. I support it and produce some of the material.”

Ah – I see. I turned instead to the good @SophiaLooney, who was as helpful as ever in helping to clear up the confused #lambethcoop policy so far put out by the local politicians.

What has happened to the three local residents that have been invited to sit on the Citizen’s Commission alongside the three high-ranking members of the @LambethLabour cabinet?

“We’re waiting for the three residents who have been invited to join the Citizen’s Commission to reply. We are hopeful of making an announcement later this week.”

I asked Sophia who actually decided which residents would be invited on to the Commission? Was it democratic? Did a vote take place?

“The Citizen’s Commission decided who to invite.”

Mmm – curious. What of the many people who have emailed in, asking to join the Citizen’s Commission? Was their name put forward for consideration?

“No. We are hopeful of holding a public meeting where citizens may be given the opportunity to comment.”

Which is all once again, incredibly, incredibly frustrating. It’s all about the semantics you see. The Citizen’s Commission is not a Citizen’s Commission – it is an elite bunch of @LambethLabour cabinet members, who have cherry picked three preferred residents to sit at a place at the top table. In a borough, which boasts more than 260,000 citizens, this is highly un-representative.

I would feel far more positive about the Citizen’s Commission and its work, if it would just drop the farce of the name. It is a sub-group of the @Lambeth Labour cabinet, and as such, any work related to the Commission should be viewed with the same merit that you may, or may not, view the operations of the @LambethLabour cabinet.

The bonkers bloke on a bike road shows such as the Oval event earlier today was really rather ace. I got to put forward my view on the folly that is #lambethcoop, and there was a genuine sense that my views were listened to and logged.

Similar events are planned around the borough, plus the there will be plenty of #lambethcoop representation at the Lambeth Country Show over the weekend of the 17th and 18th July. This at least shows some will on behalf of the likes of Julian Ellerby and @SophiaLooney to listen to citizens, even if the local politicians appear to be taking a public back seat.

But still the secrecy of the Citizen’s Commission persists. Why is this? Until this question can be answered, then there is little opportunity or optimism for citizen’s to play a genuine role in this brave new world of Lambeth co-operative politics.

We didn’t even get to talk about finances, although I later noted back at base a leaflet that was handed to me, stating:

“Local government faces huge challenges in the next decade caused by the international recession and councils acorss the country are investigating ways they can meet these financial challenges.”

I’m not normally one to turn towards Ed Balls for political salvation, but the Co-operative MP and former Labour party cabinet memberber told me only last week:

“I don’t think it’s a way to save money to be honest. Cutting corners is not what a co-operative council is about. Does being a co-operator save money in public services? I’m not sure that it will. I think that it might actually encourage us to spend more money for local people.”

#lambethcoop remains a PR farce, albeit with some very dedicated and approachable local council officers, who are trying to sell the passing of political responsibility on behalf of the politicians we elected less than three months ago.

And so yeah – consulted. I hope the politicians are actually listening to the citizens.

But for all the faults of CS7 [PDF], I would rather be given the opportunity to freewheel along the big blue bicycle lane, than to be left at the mercy of the free for all that is the traditional car haven that is the Clap’ham Road.

Yes – parked cars tend to clog up CS7; busses are no better. The stop / start random nature of the big blue experiment seems slightly confusing as well. Plus the paint is already starting to peel off around my #hyperlocal patch, less than a month since it was first put down, and before the official opening as well.

But never mind the length – feel the thickness. There is a certain feeling of elevated safety gained from cycling in a dedicated blue lane that warns away any non-pedal power modes of transport. There is also the safety in numbers element, as the pelaton hurtles down my #hyperlocal patch each morning and early evening.

The visual element of the Cycle Superhighway will be what defines it as a success. You simply can’t miss the great big blue swathes currently cutting through the main routes of the city. Cyclists are attracted towards it, creating a genuine critical mass of cyclists.

It is difficult to imagine just how dire cycling was in London less than a decade ago. Anyone seen around town on two wheels was viewed even lower down the social scale than a Bus Stop Johnny. Cycling wasn’t cool – it was the form of transport for the have nots, the losers, the weirdoes.

I’m pleased that I’ve stuck with cycling, and although I may not have fully escaped from this demographic, cycling down the Cycle Superhighway with the Bright Young Things of SW8, now no longer means having insults, or even objects, thrown at you.

Chapeau!

Off to The Oval for t20 twaddle and @surreycricket. Here’s hoping Cosgrove has left some of the Sunday roast for the rest of us #cricket

Hope The Oval wicket isn’t as slow as the @surreycricket bar staff.

Lovely boy Crofty opening the bowling for Glamorgan.

The Member’s Roof Terrace at The Oval truly is delightful. Bar right behind me. 12-0 @surreycricket.

I wish the t20 music had the same variation level as Mr Ramps’ shots. 14 for The Master, appears on fine form. 21-0 @surreycricket.

*not* cricket tweet of doom for @SurreyCCC & @mazlaws, but I’m predicting a huge t20 knock for Mr Ramps. 34-0 @surreycricket, 25 for Master.

“A formidable figure” – best description I’ve heard of Cosgrove, coming from the good @surreycricket. 43 without loss the ‘rrey.

Class catch sees off young Lancefield for a fine 27. Roy and Ramps at the crease has a nice ring to it. 68-1 @surreycricket in the 7th.

Ace commentary from @surreycricket, as ever. Live on *proper* 94.9 radio as well. It’s been my cricket education for past 5 summers. 71-1.

Kool and the Gang’s Celebration probably wasn’t written with South London cricket in mind. But it just about works. 90-1 @surreycricket.

Roy cuts, top edge and is caught behind for 9. Nevermind, here comes that nice Andrew Symonds. Blimey. 90-2 @surreycricket.

Symonds slogs, caught on rope in front of the pavilion. Young Rory HB steps up. Master Ramps still going strong on 46. @surreycricket 98-3.

Good effort from fine @surreycricket cheerleaders, but doing splits in front of Peter May beer boys is accident waiting to happen.

50 up for The Master Mr Ramps. Golden days watching him at The Oval. Treasure these moments. 119-3 @sureycricket.

Mark Cosgrove brought into attack. An all rounder, in every sense. Dave Podmore in disguise. Takes HB wicket for 18. 123-4 @surreycricket.

Beefy Cosgrove being slogged around The Oval in the 19th. 162-4 @surreycricket. Breaks on in past 5, still not sure if enough. C’mon ‘rrey!

168-4 @surreycricket come the close. 63 for Mr Ramps. Should be enough. Looking forward to seeing big boy Cosgrove bat. Beer…

Wannadies playing in the gents at The Oval. Blimey. Always underrated.

@surreycricket seem to have constrained Glorgan as we approach middle overs. 38-1, chasing down 169, 14 overs remaining.

This just in: Major, major sporting news of the day, um, big boy Cosgrove caught for 19. 46-3 Glamorgan. @surreycricket looking good. Cripes.

99 off ten required for Glamorgan. ‘ain’t gonna happen. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Concerned. @surreycricket struggling. 16 off 4 balls from Glamorgan. 123-4, chasing 169 in the 14th. Game on for Glamorgam. Eek.

17 from 14 required by Glamorgan. Sweaty palms time.

12 off 10 for Glamorgan to win. Lordy.

10 required from last over. Where’s your money? Rory HB brings himself on. Blimey.

Rory slogged for 6. Hey hoe.

Bad call, young Rory. Glamorgan win.

Profanity alert: quote from gents – “useless peroxide t***. He’s got Chris Adams’ c*** up his a***.” cripes.

Oval bound for some t20 twaddle.

In place at The Oval for @surreycricket. Change of location, decided on Member’s Roof Terrace.

Very excited about seeing Tres bat for Somerset. But first, opening for @surreycricket is The Master Mr Ramps. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Ah, I can see Somewhere in SE17 from up here.

Whoever Lancefield fella is, he’s certainly got his t20 hat on. Raced to 16. 31-0 @surreycricket. I have Parliamentarian company. Cripes.

No more Lancefield tweets, fella is back in the hutch, caught on 16. 33-1 @surreycricket. Here comes that ace Jason Roy.

Apologies to @FreeSouthLondon but The Parliamentarian has declared the view from terrace out to South London not a patch on North view.

Jason Roy hitting big. Mr Ramps the support act. 82-1 @surreycricket. A fine start. Same sitting down pom pom girls.

Mr Ramps cuts and is caught in the slips. 96-2 @surreycricket.

Plus point of Member’s Roof Terrace: bar right behind me. 114-3 @surreycricket in the 14th. 200 certainly possible. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Fearful that @surreycricket might regret not going for the slog earlier. 165-4 in the final over. Floodlights on. Why?

Roy is walking on 74. Member’s rising. Earplugs in, Gary Wilson…

Oh Lordy. Here comes a man wearing a lion costume walking around The Oval. 172 the run chase for Tres and the boys. Bar. Chin chin.

Not sure why we need cheesy house music pumped in the toilets in the Member’s Terrace at The Oval. Great start for @surreycricket, 15-3 Somerset.

Stunning catch from Rory HB as Somerset struggle on 41-4. Pathetic Mexican Wave breaking out around The Oval. Hope @mazlaws isn’t joining in.

Somerset hitting big. Cripes. 64-4, chasing down @surreycricket’s 171. @AnnaJCowen is out for the count. On shandy. Blimey.

Mr Ramps getting cheer as he attends boundry boy duties in front of OCS. Remarkable skyline mirrors OCS. 77-5 Somerset.

Stunning performance from @surreycricket. 94-8 Somerset. All over bar, um, the bar. Blimey.

For the first time since the Hollioake days, I’m starting to *shhh* believe in @surreycricket.

We love you Mr Ramps!

Oh Lordy. We have a streaker @surreycricket. With clothes. As pointless as a pencil with no lead. The ‘rrey win. Marvelous.

Off to The Oval for some t20 twaddle. I am wearing a pair of tights – True! #cricket

In place in the pavilion. 9-1 Sussex. Gunter just been slogged for 4. All is well with my world.

Matt Prior playing tennis rather than #cricket. Volleys to the slips and just behind Mr Ramps. Music now early ’80s cheese. 18-0 Sussex.

Runs being racked up for Sussex, more through fortune than skill. Inside edges, cuts and slogs.

Prior shown up for cockiness of shot. Short ball his downfall, caught behind for 5. 23-1 Sussex.

Big crowd at The Oval, lack of booze all round. Reckon Member’s still suffering after Friday excess. And you, @mazlaws?

Ah, the @surreycricket head barman is back out on the balcony watching the cricket. Good excuse to get a pint and keep him busy.

Here we go. Symonds has the cherry for @surreycricket, hunting the wicket of McCullum. 39-1 Sussex on the 3rd.

I do like Symonds, but I don’t think the fella has been through the same pre-season fitness workout that @surreycricket put through.

Viscount Lindley brought on from Vauxhall End. 50 up for Sussex.

@SurreyCCC Symond’s friendly banter with other batsmen could equally apply to most big names on the t20 circuit. Finally seeing best of him.

Lovely catch from Walters on the boundary, sending McCullum back after a fine 34. 66-2 Sussex. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Good old Walters. Catches Goodwin on the boundary this time for 28. Big wicket for @surreycricket. 70-3 Sussex. Still stone cold sober.

That day glo skin tight green @surreycricket top ain’t that flattering for chunky Symonds. Gonna get @AnnaJCowen to tell the big man.

Lordy. Smith launches over long on, all the way to, um, me in the pavilion. Major shot. Symonds seething. 94-3 Sussex.

Wicket, wicket. 103-4. If I lean forward I just catch sun in pavilion. It means I’ve got my tongue inside ear of chap in front. He’s happy.

126-4 Sussex. Reckon away team about to slog big time. Viscount Linley has the cherry for @surreycricket. Decent knock so far.

Blimey. Gatting at the crease. Nope, not *that* one, but the nephew. Still fine batsman. 134-5 Sussex. Bonkers cheerleaders doing can can.

Bibbed up policeman standing remarkably close to bibbed up cheerleaders. Not much difference. Both clean shaven. I think. 141-5.

Poor cheerleader has just taken one up the arse. Cracker of a shot from Gatting gets the can can bird right up the backside. 150-6.

Gunter fuming. Exact words to Member in pavilion: “Sit down! Sit the F down!” You’d be a brave man to disobey. 157-7 Sussex. Good to see MJ.

159 the run chase. Certainly achievable for @surreycricket. And so is my sobriety. Blimey.

@AnnaJCowen is the nearly cheerleader. She’s just been hit on the arse with a T-shirt being fired out of a gun. Strange game.

Great start fron young Rory HB. Huge six from the @surreycricket captain into OCS. Repeats it two balls later. 18-0 the ‘rrey.

Sussex trying all tricks in bowling attack None sticking. 28-0 @surreycricket in the 3rd.

Rory HB chances his luck with a pull, gets top edge and is caught on 24. Which must mean… time for Mr Ramps. Savour the Master. I think.

Ramps dropped on 4. Could be costly. 49-1 @surreycricket. Still sober.

Whoops. Tweet of doom. Ramps walking for 8. Good to see Martin Jenkins get wicket in final run in. Here comes fireworks, here comes Symonds.

Tweet of doom part II. Big fella caught second ball for 1. Whoops. Sorry. Ta for coming, etc. 64-3 @surreycricket. Khan up next. Can’t fail.

@mazlaws apologies. That’s what happens when you watch cricket sober. Will Beer testing my patience.

Davies slogs and is caught for a fine 35. I’m saying nothing. Absolutely nowt. 74-4 @surreycricket. Game swinging away. @AnnaJCowen asleep.

Been told that I need to model myself on Surrey Beardy Weirdy for that chic Wivenhoe look. Old boy boozing. Good enough for me.

I’ve just applauded Matt Prior for first time in my life. Better boundary boy than wicket keeper. 81-4 the ‘rrey, chasing 159 in the 12th.

Not looking good for @surreycricket. This is a *very* good Sussex side. 91-5 in the 14th, chasing 159. Lesson: be legless to watch cricket.

Pavilion eptying. 61 to win from just 4 overs. Khan caught, here comes big man Gunter. Cripes. Four overs to down 7 pints, @mazlaws.

Nelson up for@surreycricket. And so is the game.

Oval bound for @surreycricket. Anyone else in?

Oh Lordy. Some fool is in fancy dress for a County Championship match. Good start for @surreycricket, 20-1. Glorious South London morning.

Younis Khan looking a bit bewildered by all this County Championship business. Boundary boy duties for the international batsman. 31-1 L**c.

Oval fancy dress update: some fella is actually decked out as a whoope cushion. Which shows some imagination.

Domestic cricket season really is a mess. Middle Middle Middle Sex Sex Sex are starting a four day match, the morning after a T20. Bonkers.

Ah, it’s a return of the lone lemon tree, lurking around The Oval boundary. 51-1 L**c. Wicket and weather look promising for next four days.

Spin it to win it, @surreycricket. Schofield brought into the attack, before luncheon on the first day as well. Blimey. First ball: boundary.

That’s the ton up for L**c. Quick dash back to SW8 base for a spot of work. A return to The Oval for the afternoon session. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Oval bound for the afternoon session. Being joined by @AnnaJCowen. Best behaviour. Yeah, right…

Back in place at The Oval, just in time to see ton up for Jefferson. Fine knock. 170-2 L**c. @surreycricket oik Lobby finding voice. Lordy.

Glorious, glorious South London afternoon at The Oval. Cricket, fine @surreycricket commentary and the good lady wife for company. Cripes.

Tough work for young Rory HB and the ‘rrey. Oh for Gunter Nel to be available. 200 up for L**c and batting point. Bloke behind me dozed off.

Mr Meaker comes into attack for @surreycricket. It has been ghostly bowling display from the ‘rrey to date. Jefferson displaying masterclass.

Major moment: Jefferson dropped on 129. Minor moment: @AnnaJCowen has removed her shoes. Steady. 219-2 L**c.

Best Oval innings of the season so far comes to a close. Jefferson caught by Batty on 135. Standing ovation, from those still able to stand.

I am sitting next to man dressed as whoopee cushion. I’m shuffling nervously in my seat. 243-3 @surreycricket. Taylor taking charge for L**c.

Genuinely concerned what the @surreycricket Members are going to make of Wolfgang Moneypenny & @FreeSouthLondon tomorrow. *not* fancy dress.

Tea at The Oval. A man dressed as a giant whoopee cushion is making his way to the wicket. He’s about to get a lifetime ban. 245-3 L**c.

All v strange. Been mistaken for being in fancy dress. I’m wearing cycling top. Whoopee cushion man is on Special Brew. Khan bowling. Cripes.

Scooby Doo is having a crafty fag in the Peter May. He may get away with it, if pesky steward doesn’t see. 257-3 @surreycricket. Tough going.

Wicket for @surreycricket after tea. Taylor back in the hutch, turning ball from Batty and off stump hit. 269-4 L**c. Game on.

Oh dear. It has got very messy at The Oval. New ball available, but Rory HB resists. 298-4 L**c.

Make no mistake – this has been a classic Oval afternoon. More of the same with Wolfgang Moneypenny & @FreeSouthLondon tomorrow. Golden days.