I lost le velo last week. Herne Hill and the fine folk of Velo Club Londre will no doubt be rolling out each weekend until the Ride of the Falling Leaves. My velo days came to a close early September with the sad selling of my track bike.

Swimming @BrockwellLido is being stretched out until the end of September this summer. I have so far resisted the urge to slip into my wetsuit. An early morning water temperature of seventeen degrees is proving to be the perfect kick-start for the day.

And so having lost track cycling, and the days drifting for outdoor swimming, Friday saw Old Father Time ringing the final bell around The Oval. Time has been called on my South London cricketing fun – and I don’t mean in the bar at the Long Room, either.

@AnnaJCowen and I first started watching cricket at The Oval back in the heady days of the summer of ’95. We gatecrashed the @surreycricket Glory Years, and have been dining out (and drinking) on the experience ever since.

Drunken staggers down the Clap’ham Road back to Sunny Stockwell soon became a thing of the past. We loved our Oval experiences so much, we bought a house within earshot of the umpire’s bell.

Blimey.

Much like the weather, the memories over the past fifteen summers of South London bat and ball are somewhat hazy. Cricket is a sport that wasn’t invented to watch stone cold sober. Stats and figures are all well and good, but that’s what the annual Surrey Member’s Year Book is for in years to come as we sit back and reflect.

As for the final, final Oval trip – it wasn’t exactly over and out on a high. A solitary one run from the @surreycricket, um, legend that is Kevin Pietersen, and a second innings collapse on par with my Long Room slumbers. It should see us through the long winter months.

As for the future?

C’mon Notts the ‘rrey, um, the ‘Sex.

Oh Lordy.

A break in the working day. Off to catch the final session of play at The Oval. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Splendid bare chest action around The Oval. Mr Ramps on 75, looking strong for century.

Not quite cricket tweet of doom, but Walters pulls, catches thick edge and caught for fine 31. 284-5 @surreycricket.

Mr Ramps looking relaxed on 88. The Master key to holding @surreycricket innings together. 298-5. Observing that blokes have strange toes.

300 up for @surreycricket and third batting point of the day. Decent crowd at The Oval. Can’t beat the drama of County Championship. 300-5.

The good @surreycricket informs me that the ‘rrey have highest number of batting points in Division. Which suggests we can’t take wickets.

Watching tea interval pitch invaders at The Oval. Remembering the time when @FreeSouthLondon buried a Sth Ldn time capsule at centre wicket.

Oval bell ringing. Umps strolling back out into the middle. Key final session. Keep Mr Ramps at the crease until morning & @sureycricket ftw.

Righto. Work beckons. Back to SW8 base. 316-5 @surreycricket. A decent first day of play.

Off to The Oval for some t20 twaddle (and confusion.) My *shhh* new home team of um, Essex, are playing Kent. Cripes.

At a rather empty Oval. Essex Vs Kent t20 experiment in South London seems to have backfired. Hopeful of a good game. 20-0 Kent in the 3rd.

Nice of the Surrey fox to turn up. Oh, and @AnnaJCowen. 25-0 Kent.

@darryl1974 thinking behind Oval game was to get Essex and Kent City boys in. Seems more like @ surreycricket Members on freebies.

Major, major drop from Bopara. Essex team mates console, no doubt cursing under breath. 69-2 Kent in the 10th. Need to get a move on.

Rockin’ that cricket look, ladeees.

My cricket mistress is a tease. She has just informed me that the Oval bar has run dry. 4-0 Essex, chasing 168.

Cripes. I am actually shouting out “Esse-xxx Esse-xxx Esse-xxx” under my drunken breath. 53-1 in the 6th, chasing down 171.

@martyj21 ah, v kind, thank you. Something of #cricket sabbatical at The Oval this evening. Weird game. 86-1 Essex in the 10th. “Refreshed”

Discussing South London skyline with @AnnaJCowen from the OCS vantage point. Amazing how churches are still defining feature. 114-2 Essex.

Discussing South London skyline with @AnnaJCowen from the OCS vantage point. Amazing how churches are still defining feature. 114-2 Essex.

Classic finish lined up at The Oval. Essex need 23 off 2 overs to win. Cripes. C’mon, um, the ‘Sex.

Decent win for Essex. I think @AnnaJCowen and I will be happy as we head out East.

Ample tired and emotional folk leaving The Oval.

Off to The Oval for t20 twaddle and @surreycricket. Here’s hoping Cosgrove has left some of the Sunday roast for the rest of us #cricket

Hope The Oval wicket isn’t as slow as the @surreycricket bar staff.

Lovely boy Crofty opening the bowling for Glamorgan.

The Member’s Roof Terrace at The Oval truly is delightful. Bar right behind me. 12-0 @surreycricket.

I wish the t20 music had the same variation level as Mr Ramps’ shots. 14 for The Master, appears on fine form. 21-0 @surreycricket.

*not* cricket tweet of doom for @SurreyCCC & @mazlaws, but I’m predicting a huge t20 knock for Mr Ramps. 34-0 @surreycricket, 25 for Master.

“A formidable figure” – best description I’ve heard of Cosgrove, coming from the good @surreycricket. 43 without loss the ‘rrey.

Class catch sees off young Lancefield for a fine 27. Roy and Ramps at the crease has a nice ring to it. 68-1 @surreycricket in the 7th.

Ace commentary from @surreycricket, as ever. Live on *proper* 94.9 radio as well. It’s been my cricket education for past 5 summers. 71-1.

Kool and the Gang’s Celebration probably wasn’t written with South London cricket in mind. But it just about works. 90-1 @surreycricket.

Roy cuts, top edge and is caught behind for 9. Nevermind, here comes that nice Andrew Symonds. Blimey. 90-2 @surreycricket.

Symonds slogs, caught on rope in front of the pavilion. Young Rory HB steps up. Master Ramps still going strong on 46. @surreycricket 98-3.

Good effort from fine @surreycricket cheerleaders, but doing splits in front of Peter May beer boys is accident waiting to happen.

50 up for The Master Mr Ramps. Golden days watching him at The Oval. Treasure these moments. 119-3 @sureycricket.

Mark Cosgrove brought into attack. An all rounder, in every sense. Dave Podmore in disguise. Takes HB wicket for 18. 123-4 @surreycricket.

Beefy Cosgrove being slogged around The Oval in the 19th. 162-4 @surreycricket. Breaks on in past 5, still not sure if enough. C’mon ‘rrey!

168-4 @surreycricket come the close. 63 for Mr Ramps. Should be enough. Looking forward to seeing big boy Cosgrove bat. Beer…

Wannadies playing in the gents at The Oval. Blimey. Always underrated.

@surreycricket seem to have constrained Glorgan as we approach middle overs. 38-1, chasing down 169, 14 overs remaining.

This just in: Major, major sporting news of the day, um, big boy Cosgrove caught for 19. 46-3 Glamorgan. @surreycricket looking good. Cripes.

99 off ten required for Glamorgan. ‘ain’t gonna happen. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Concerned. @surreycricket struggling. 16 off 4 balls from Glamorgan. 123-4, chasing 169 in the 14th. Game on for Glamorgam. Eek.

17 from 14 required by Glamorgan. Sweaty palms time.

12 off 10 for Glamorgan to win. Lordy.

10 required from last over. Where’s your money? Rory HB brings himself on. Blimey.

Rory slogged for 6. Hey hoe.

Bad call, young Rory. Glamorgan win.

Profanity alert: quote from gents – “useless peroxide t***. He’s got Chris Adams’ c*** up his a***.” cripes.

Oval bound for some t20 twaddle.

In place at The Oval for @surreycricket. Change of location, decided on Member’s Roof Terrace.

Very excited about seeing Tres bat for Somerset. But first, opening for @surreycricket is The Master Mr Ramps. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Ah, I can see Somewhere in SE17 from up here.

Whoever Lancefield fella is, he’s certainly got his t20 hat on. Raced to 16. 31-0 @surreycricket. I have Parliamentarian company. Cripes.

No more Lancefield tweets, fella is back in the hutch, caught on 16. 33-1 @surreycricket. Here comes that ace Jason Roy.

Apologies to @FreeSouthLondon but The Parliamentarian has declared the view from terrace out to South London not a patch on North view.

Jason Roy hitting big. Mr Ramps the support act. 82-1 @surreycricket. A fine start. Same sitting down pom pom girls.

Mr Ramps cuts and is caught in the slips. 96-2 @surreycricket.

Plus point of Member’s Roof Terrace: bar right behind me. 114-3 @surreycricket in the 14th. 200 certainly possible. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Fearful that @surreycricket might regret not going for the slog earlier. 165-4 in the final over. Floodlights on. Why?

Roy is walking on 74. Member’s rising. Earplugs in, Gary Wilson…

Oh Lordy. Here comes a man wearing a lion costume walking around The Oval. 172 the run chase for Tres and the boys. Bar. Chin chin.

Not sure why we need cheesy house music pumped in the toilets in the Member’s Terrace at The Oval. Great start for @surreycricket, 15-3 Somerset.

Stunning catch from Rory HB as Somerset struggle on 41-4. Pathetic Mexican Wave breaking out around The Oval. Hope @mazlaws isn’t joining in.

Somerset hitting big. Cripes. 64-4, chasing down @surreycricket’s 171. @AnnaJCowen is out for the count. On shandy. Blimey.

Mr Ramps getting cheer as he attends boundry boy duties in front of OCS. Remarkable skyline mirrors OCS. 77-5 Somerset.

Stunning performance from @surreycricket. 94-8 Somerset. All over bar, um, the bar. Blimey.

For the first time since the Hollioake days, I’m starting to *shhh* believe in @surreycricket.

We love you Mr Ramps!

Oh Lordy. We have a streaker @surreycricket. With clothes. As pointless as a pencil with no lead. The ‘rrey win. Marvelous.

Off to The Oval for some t20 twaddle. I am wearing a pair of tights – True! #cricket

In place in the pavilion. 9-1 Sussex. Gunter just been slogged for 4. All is well with my world.

Matt Prior playing tennis rather than #cricket. Volleys to the slips and just behind Mr Ramps. Music now early ’80s cheese. 18-0 Sussex.

Runs being racked up for Sussex, more through fortune than skill. Inside edges, cuts and slogs.

Prior shown up for cockiness of shot. Short ball his downfall, caught behind for 5. 23-1 Sussex.

Big crowd at The Oval, lack of booze all round. Reckon Member’s still suffering after Friday excess. And you, @mazlaws?

Ah, the @surreycricket head barman is back out on the balcony watching the cricket. Good excuse to get a pint and keep him busy.

Here we go. Symonds has the cherry for @surreycricket, hunting the wicket of McCullum. 39-1 Sussex on the 3rd.

I do like Symonds, but I don’t think the fella has been through the same pre-season fitness workout that @surreycricket put through.

Viscount Lindley brought on from Vauxhall End. 50 up for Sussex.

@SurreyCCC Symond’s friendly banter with other batsmen could equally apply to most big names on the t20 circuit. Finally seeing best of him.

Lovely catch from Walters on the boundary, sending McCullum back after a fine 34. 66-2 Sussex. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Good old Walters. Catches Goodwin on the boundary this time for 28. Big wicket for @surreycricket. 70-3 Sussex. Still stone cold sober.

That day glo skin tight green @surreycricket top ain’t that flattering for chunky Symonds. Gonna get @AnnaJCowen to tell the big man.

Lordy. Smith launches over long on, all the way to, um, me in the pavilion. Major shot. Symonds seething. 94-3 Sussex.

Wicket, wicket. 103-4. If I lean forward I just catch sun in pavilion. It means I’ve got my tongue inside ear of chap in front. He’s happy.

126-4 Sussex. Reckon away team about to slog big time. Viscount Linley has the cherry for @surreycricket. Decent knock so far.

Blimey. Gatting at the crease. Nope, not *that* one, but the nephew. Still fine batsman. 134-5 Sussex. Bonkers cheerleaders doing can can.

Bibbed up policeman standing remarkably close to bibbed up cheerleaders. Not much difference. Both clean shaven. I think. 141-5.

Poor cheerleader has just taken one up the arse. Cracker of a shot from Gatting gets the can can bird right up the backside. 150-6.

Gunter fuming. Exact words to Member in pavilion: “Sit down! Sit the F down!” You’d be a brave man to disobey. 157-7 Sussex. Good to see MJ.

159 the run chase. Certainly achievable for @surreycricket. And so is my sobriety. Blimey.

@AnnaJCowen is the nearly cheerleader. She’s just been hit on the arse with a T-shirt being fired out of a gun. Strange game.

Great start fron young Rory HB. Huge six from the @surreycricket captain into OCS. Repeats it two balls later. 18-0 the ‘rrey.

Sussex trying all tricks in bowling attack None sticking. 28-0 @surreycricket in the 3rd.

Rory HB chances his luck with a pull, gets top edge and is caught on 24. Which must mean… time for Mr Ramps. Savour the Master. I think.

Ramps dropped on 4. Could be costly. 49-1 @surreycricket. Still sober.

Whoops. Tweet of doom. Ramps walking for 8. Good to see Martin Jenkins get wicket in final run in. Here comes fireworks, here comes Symonds.

Tweet of doom part II. Big fella caught second ball for 1. Whoops. Sorry. Ta for coming, etc. 64-3 @surreycricket. Khan up next. Can’t fail.

@mazlaws apologies. That’s what happens when you watch cricket sober. Will Beer testing my patience.

Davies slogs and is caught for a fine 35. I’m saying nothing. Absolutely nowt. 74-4 @surreycricket. Game swinging away. @AnnaJCowen asleep.

Been told that I need to model myself on Surrey Beardy Weirdy for that chic Wivenhoe look. Old boy boozing. Good enough for me.

I’ve just applauded Matt Prior for first time in my life. Better boundary boy than wicket keeper. 81-4 the ‘rrey, chasing 159 in the 12th.

Not looking good for @surreycricket. This is a *very* good Sussex side. 91-5 in the 14th, chasing 159. Lesson: be legless to watch cricket.

Pavilion eptying. 61 to win from just 4 overs. Khan caught, here comes big man Gunter. Cripes. Four overs to down 7 pints, @mazlaws.

Nelson up for@surreycricket. And so is the game.

Very excited about @surreycricket T20 later. Symonds, Khan, Mr Ramps. Oh, and Gunter Nel as well. Blimey.

Oh dear – raining over The Oval #cricket

Oval bound for some T20 nonsense.

All v quiet here at The Oval. More folk in ground for CC match at the weekend. @surreycricket wearing shocking day glo green kit.

Shocking start for @surreycricket. 9-2 in the 3rd. Some chap called Symonds is at the crease. Hang on, nope, cut & caught for 1. Oh Lordy.

Righto. So that’s Mr Ramps and Symonds both out, before 10 is on the scoreboard for @surreycricket. All down to Khan and the Boy Wonder now.

Oh yeah – politely asked barmaid in the pavilion to top my pint up. She didn’t seem to see what the issue was. Chin chin.

Ramps #fail Symonds #fail and now Khan #fail. Come back Jimmy Ormond. 13-4 @surreycricket. PA strangely playing Inspiral Carpets.

Afzal now back in the hutch. 17-5 @surreycricket. Shocking stuff. Boos coming from Member’s pavilion. Only boundary come from inside edge.

Observation that @surreycricket T20 kit is a glorified steward jacket. First decent shot of the innings from the Boy Wonder. 35-5.

Slight encouragement. Boy Wonder playing Captain’s innings. 36 for Rory HB. 56-5 @surreycricket. Cheerleaders doing strange can can. Cripes.

Whoops. The curse of the casual cricket tweeter. Boy Wonder walking, run out for 41. @surreycricket out of batsmen now. Member’s peeved.

68-7 @surreycricket. Cripes. Up steps Gunter Nel. Need a big innings from the big man.

Whoops. Spriegel next to walk. 69-8. Cheerleader comes close to being dropped. Ah, and with immaculate timing, here’s @AnnaJCowen. Booze!

Bugger. 77-9 @surreycricket. Back home in time for Eastenders.

@surreycricket fail to make it to 20 overs, all bowled out for 97. And they’re playing that bloody Inspiral Carpets song again.

Oh Lordy. Here’s @surreycricket mascot. It’s new branded bloke in day glo green. Use to use to quite like Kenny Kennington’s breakdancing.

That is close to worst T20 batting performance I’ve seen, & that really is saying something given the last three years #T20 (via @SurreyCCC)

Highlight of the evening so far: catching up with Francoise, my man from South Lambeth Road. Joint verdict – @surreycricket shocking.

46-0 Glouc, and @AnnaJCowen said @surreycricket look like losing. The girl speaks sense. Oval flat. Beer not. Little point tweeting defeat.

Has any team ever managed not to take a single wicket in T20? @surreycricket heading that way.

Mmm. Stumps. Glouc win by, um, ten wickets. Boos from the pavilion.

Plus: match report from the wonderful @SurreyCCC blog.

Off to admit Wolfgang Moneypenny into the Long Room at The Oval. I fear an abuse of my @surreycricket membership. Oh Lordy.

@surreycricket saw off L**c for 479, only to lose cheap early wicket for 4. @FreeSouthLondon seems to be fine, drinking from bottle of white.

The ceremonial handing over of the the revolutionary cycling tights to Wolfgang Moneypenny has been made. Viva!

Topless action in the Member’s pavilion at The Oval. It ‘ain’t Wolfgang Moneypenny; it ‘ain’t @AnnaJCowen either.

Hoggard bowling to Mr Ramps at The Oval. Bless. Happy days. Slow going for @surreycricket. 43-1. Wolfgang loving the bat and ball game.

Tea at The Oval. Young Davies has his head down on 45. Ramps staying put and blocking on 10. Off to introduce Wolfgang to the Surrey Museum.

Had pleasant tea interval & pitch invasion of Oval wicket with Wolfgang Moneypenny. He plans to use cricket & break dancing to unite youth.

Back from showing Wolfgang Moneypenny around the Establishment of South London cricket. Cripes. 96-1 @sureycricket. Humid & skies bruising.

Wolfgang has admitted he can’t see the cricket ball wearing his revolutionary shades. He is using the dispersal of pigeons to follow action.

Davies walks for 69. Which all means… @surreycricket partnerhip of Ramps and Khan. Wolfgang fascinated by mercenary stance of Khan. 111-2.

Lordy. Mr Ramps back in the hutch with @surreycricket stuck on Nelson. Not looking good for the ‘rrey. 111-3.

Younis Khan back in pavilion. And possibly back to Pakistan now that his ban lifted. 125-4 @surreycricket. Wolfgang talking about his wives.

Fag end of The Oval afternoon and @surreycricket are burnt. 156-5. @FreeSouthLondon is disassociating himself from County of Surrey.

@surreycricket one more down, 157-6. Batty walks for a duck. Thanks, but no thanks. Follow on looking likely. Damn that Oval wicket.

Stumps. And thank f for that. @surreycricket shocking.

Oval bound for @surreycricket. Anyone else in?

Oh Lordy. Some fool is in fancy dress for a County Championship match. Good start for @surreycricket, 20-1. Glorious South London morning.

Younis Khan looking a bit bewildered by all this County Championship business. Boundary boy duties for the international batsman. 31-1 L**c.

Oval fancy dress update: some fella is actually decked out as a whoope cushion. Which shows some imagination.

Domestic cricket season really is a mess. Middle Middle Middle Sex Sex Sex are starting a four day match, the morning after a T20. Bonkers.

Ah, it’s a return of the lone lemon tree, lurking around The Oval boundary. 51-1 L**c. Wicket and weather look promising for next four days.

Spin it to win it, @surreycricket. Schofield brought into the attack, before luncheon on the first day as well. Blimey. First ball: boundary.

That’s the ton up for L**c. Quick dash back to SW8 base for a spot of work. A return to The Oval for the afternoon session. C’mon the ‘rrey!

Oval bound for the afternoon session. Being joined by @AnnaJCowen. Best behaviour. Yeah, right…

Back in place at The Oval, just in time to see ton up for Jefferson. Fine knock. 170-2 L**c. @surreycricket oik Lobby finding voice. Lordy.

Glorious, glorious South London afternoon at The Oval. Cricket, fine @surreycricket commentary and the good lady wife for company. Cripes.

Tough work for young Rory HB and the ‘rrey. Oh for Gunter Nel to be available. 200 up for L**c and batting point. Bloke behind me dozed off.

Mr Meaker comes into attack for @surreycricket. It has been ghostly bowling display from the ‘rrey to date. Jefferson displaying masterclass.

Major moment: Jefferson dropped on 129. Minor moment: @AnnaJCowen has removed her shoes. Steady. 219-2 L**c.

Best Oval innings of the season so far comes to a close. Jefferson caught by Batty on 135. Standing ovation, from those still able to stand.

I am sitting next to man dressed as whoopee cushion. I’m shuffling nervously in my seat. 243-3 @surreycricket. Taylor taking charge for L**c.

Genuinely concerned what the @surreycricket Members are going to make of Wolfgang Moneypenny & @FreeSouthLondon tomorrow. *not* fancy dress.

Tea at The Oval. A man dressed as a giant whoopee cushion is making his way to the wicket. He’s about to get a lifetime ban. 245-3 L**c.

All v strange. Been mistaken for being in fancy dress. I’m wearing cycling top. Whoopee cushion man is on Special Brew. Khan bowling. Cripes.

Scooby Doo is having a crafty fag in the Peter May. He may get away with it, if pesky steward doesn’t see. 257-3 @surreycricket. Tough going.

Wicket for @surreycricket after tea. Taylor back in the hutch, turning ball from Batty and off stump hit. 269-4 L**c. Game on.

Oh dear. It has got very messy at The Oval. New ball available, but Rory HB resists. 298-4 L**c.

Make no mistake – this has been a classic Oval afternoon. More of the same with Wolfgang Moneypenny & @FreeSouthLondon tomorrow. Golden days.

Oval bound for the morning session.

Jumpers being removed, bare chests in OCS at The Oval. Steady, @AnnaJCowen. Strauss has his head down on 57, Newnan 10 short of ton. 163-0.

Newman dropped Two balls later and ex-Surrey boy is back in the pavillion, caught behind on 91. Good early breakthrough for @surreycricket.

Pasty goths at cricket alert. Dressed in black & lacking a tan. Top off, fella. Looks like he could do with a feed as well. 173-1 Middlesex.

Andre Nel is a boundary slog away from transforming into his Gunter alter ego. Please don’t make me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.

HONK! Wicket. Shah back in the hutch, caught cheaply for 3. Middle! Middle! Middle! Sex! Sex! Sex! Looking shaky on 178-2. C’mon the ‘rrey.

Steamy, steamy South London morning at The Oval. Glorious. @cabbiescapital and @AnnaJCowen regretting long trouser decision. 178-2.

All getting incredibly lively out in the square. @surreycricket loud mouth Gary Wilson is clearly confident following his fine knock. shhh.

Goth at cricket alert: top now removed. A police helicopter is now hovering over The Oval. No coincidence. 213-2 Middlesex. Decent session.

Strauss in his nervous ’90s. Ten more runs required for the England captain to reach his ton. Fine form ahead of Bangladesh Test. 218-2.

Straus back in the pavilion. Egland captain caught on 92. Unlucky. Dexter steps up next. Nope, not that one. 220-3 Middlesex.

Mr Ramps not happy. The Master is limping back to the pavillion with what looks like a strain. No worries. His 200 knock is in the bank.

@AnnaJCowen is suffering. The poor girl has come to The Oval on the hottest day of the year, wearing a thermal vest.

Work beckons. Back to SW8 base with Middlesex on 230-3.