Crap Match Report

LV= County Championship Division Two, Kia Oval (close, day one), Surrey 279-5: Elgar 98, Foakes 57 not out; Taylor 2-68, Gloucestershire: Yet to bat

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To The Oval! …very late in the afternoon on Saturday for the fag end of the first day of play in the Championship match between Surrey and Gloucestershire.

But maybe was it Glamorgan?

Or even Glamorganshire?

I confess to getting the two western teams continually mixed up.

I arrived fashionably late during the tea interval.

And boy – what a tea interval.

The Surrey Cricket annual Beer Festival is upon us for the following four days. Which means that the tea interval isn’t so much about PG Tip, but pints of incredibly strong cider instead.

Actually there’s little change from the t20 carnage around these parts. It’s often said that the SLOG fest format of the game is nothing but a beer festival with a game of cricket occasionally breaking out on the green.

My cricketing companion Red Maz of Bal’ham had been on the sauce since 10:30 in the morning. She literally fell into my lap as I took up my seat in the top tier of the Pavilion.

Oh. Hello, luv.

I was greeted with a shower of beer tokens to match the shower of shite coming out of the mouths of some tired and emotional sorts sitting over in the OCS.

Sadly it was to be a sober occasion for me. A theatre appointment later in the evening was an untimely calendar clash when I was putting together my weekend.

This was a GLORIOUS South London afternoon. We really should bottle days like these to help us through those cricket free dark winter months.

The Transpontine sun burned through into the top tier of the Pavilion from the start of the tea break through until the close of play. I’ve got a neat sun tan line in the form of a Surrey beer token which I left resting upon my naked flesh.

Out in the middle and a couple of new names were trying to hold it together for Surrey. South African Dean Elgar was playing his second Championship match for the ‘rrey. He was joined at the crease by Ben Foakes.

Sadly I missed #AnsariWatch for another Saturday. An impressive 64, although Rez Maz slurred out that:

“He took all ‘king day to get there.”

My cricketing companion then demonstrated her somewhat disjointed association from reality for the day by declaring that my head looks like that of an alien.

It was a most odd comment, and one that almost broke up a beautiful cricketing companion partnership stretching over the past decade.

Back in the middle and Elgar composed his own downfall. Red Maz ordered me to include that line in the Crap Match Report. It was her one half-decent contribution for the day.

Yer man was caught by spin on 98.

“Elgar hasn’t played a bum note all afternoon”

…I added.

Red Maz had already buggered off to the Beer Festival bar.

Jason Roy took a stroll out to the middle late in the day. This was never going to be the ideal time for a t20 specialist to prop up a Championship innings late in the day. He was back in the hutch 14 runs later.

Gary Wilson then came out to block the evening session out.

We departed The Oval shortly before the close of play with the ‘rrey on 258-5.

Day 2 is a BOOZE day.

Gloucester / Glamorgan / Guinness.

Whatever.

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