onionbagblog

It starts with the cold water on the face. It ends with THICK porridge being encrusted upon your chin. Cycling rituals are what makes the two wheels continue to turn as you enter the Land of BONKAGE.

I’m not sure why I enjoy bicycling so much. I don’t arise and then anticipate a work free day spent cycling six hours in the saddle. I’d probably rather be at work given the comfortable seating arrangements and endless tea on demand.

I don’t enjoy the layers of little flies that you accumulate on your face as the miles kick in. As the sweat flows from your forehead down to your chin, the mini-beast little buggers go with the ride, so to speak. The sun soon dries off your face and the flies become encrusted. It’s the war paint of two wheels.

I most certainly don’t enjoy the ill-prepared roll out with only a bottle of stale tap water and a bruised banana to keep you company. No time to eat or drink - the wheel that turns is the wheel that earns. The mantra wears a little thin as you realise that the rations have run dry before you even hit the halfway point.

Whoops.

So yeah - I’m not sure why I enjoy bicycling so much.

But the cold water on the face and the THICK porridge is the ritual of the reward once you have buggered about on the bicycle and are back at base.

Face washing is usually a necessity. For the post-ride wash down it takes on the luxury of a personal pamper as performed by a Bicycling Angel. Thirty seconds or so of removing the layers of crap that you have accumulated.

Thirsty work for sure - the dehydration is the next deficiency to be dealt with. A pint of milk is downed, and then another ..one for the road. Two pints of semi-skimmed in a poxy Sainsbury carton isn’t exactly inspiring. Six hours in the saddle and this becomes the Liquid of the Gods.

But one, two is never enough. Time to move to the serious stuff; time to overdose on the tea.

HOT cups of strong tea with a sprinkling of sugar are a post-cyclists best friend. You need to prepare, and then embrace and celebrate the moment. Bollocks to all this tea is better than sex silliness, but there is an orgasmic experience to be found in a bag of PG Tips post-ride.

You can’t be distracted. The tea needs to refresh you whilst it is still HOT. The cold water is now evaporating off your face and the HOT tea keeps your body temperature still slightly raised.

Time for another one - fancy a brew?

Washed, milked and PG Tips enriched - now is the time for the porridge. It may be a little late in the day for breakfast, brunch or even luncheon, but porridge will fill up all those gaps that you left somewhere back on the last gruesome climb.

Like most bodily refreshments, it needs to be thick and it needs to be warm. If your spoon can’t stand up in the oatmeal then you are wasting your time.

And so I’m still not sure why I enjoy bicycling so much. A wash, some milk and tea to soak up the porridge - none of these otherwise average endorsements are particularly appealing taken in isolation.

Six hours in the saddle however and they become the most adorable experience that doesn’t involve anything slightly less than legal.

It’s a shame that six hours of cycling has to be endured before you will ever understand the experience.

Chapeau!