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A thunderous crashing through the letterbox, a mentally unstable cat seeks sanctuary under the bed and an expectant householder makes a charge for the doormat, high on hope, optimistic on the delights of the delivery.

What can it all mean? A Christmas card from the lovely folk of the Queens Road Residents Association? Nope – but that was signed, sealed and delivered on Sunday. Many thanks…

Hubert’s Happy Turkey about to have that smug gobble gobble grin removed? Bit early…

Dog s**t through the door?

Steady the buffers, Comrades – it’s only the latest edition of the esteemed organ of truth and justice, The Brightlingsea and Wivenhoe Chronicle. No wonder the cat was so scared.

But there’s no need to make a beeline for the cat flap. The front page features a happy happy joy joy picture of smiling Cllr Steve Ford and the jubilant Cllr Julie Young of this parish, both welcoming Rachel Reeves, the Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury to Wivenhoe. I hope she managed to snaffle some freebie Shadow Treasury poncey sarnies to pass around.

Taking time out from the Westminster Punch ‘n Judy show, Rachel visited The Nottage with the red flag wavers to add a little seasonal joy:

“I have been speaking to businesses today in North East Essex to find out their opinions abut how the economy can be improved and in particular, what can be done to get more young people back into work.”

Supporting the major cultural regeneration project in the area, rather than voting to stop funding @firstsite, might be a good start.

Whoops.

But it’s not all iconoclastic totems firmly nailing their colour to the Red Flag and appearing around these North Essex estuary wilds, delivering a mythical message to put a smile back on people’s faces.

But that’s enough about Rachel Reeves – here comes… Santa Claus.

Cripes.

“Once again The Chronicle’s Greenland correspondent [a worrying absence of a Scoop Scarpenter byline] is able to disclose the routes, times and dates that Santa Claus will be taking in Brightlingsea, Wivenhoe and Thorrington during the next few weeks.”

For the believers amongst you (in Santa Claus, not kick starting the Colchester economy) then the big fella will be Ho Ho Ho-ing in the Hoe at the following locations:

“Wivenhoe is his destination on 14th December when Santa Claus will visit Bowes Road, Claremont Road, Friars Close, Petworth Close, Castle Wood Close, Denham Close, The Dale and Valley Road.”

Rumours that his preferred mode of transport will be a whopping great big HGV around the Dene Park Estate are wide of the mark.

“Wivenhoe receives another visit from Santa Claus when on 21st December he tours Heath Road, Broomfield Crescent, Broome Grove, Chaney Road, Spring Lane and Tower Road.”

Fine work from the Brightlingsea and District Rotary Club, who are *ahem* sponsoring Santa’s visit. Here’s hoping the little ankle biters of Wivenhoe appreciate their good fortune.

What do they want – The Stars on a Tray?

“Written by Martin Newell and illustrated by Hilary Lazell, two superbly creative Wivenhoe residents, the recently published The Stars on a Tray is an informative and witty book, containing a collection of Martin’s popular Saturday columns which have appeared in the East Anglian Daily Times.”

The hyperlocal launch at Wivenhoe Bookshop certainly lived up to the “informative and witty” tag; feedback from the Sunny Colch leg of the world tour @firstsite is also most favourable.

The book itself is worth much more than a stocking filler, telling the stories of the often forgotten folklore of the area though the eyes of a writer who is as sharp and amusing as ever. Copies are available for £7.99 from the Bookshop.

The Chronicle then pulls off something of a, um, scoop in getting the sharp and amusing writer to pen a review of the recent run of Fawlty Towers shows staged at the William Loveless Hall [where else?] by Shane Diggens:

“Fawlty Towers, billed in the programme as “two episodes as seen on TV,” was so far as I was concerned, the best thing that I have ever seen performed at the William Loveless Hall. I couldn’t criticise it, even if I wanted to, because there was simply nothing wrong with it.”

High praise indeed. Getting Mr Mule not to let slip with the Lovelace alter ego speaks volumes for Shane Diggens’ production.

“Shane would like to take this production out on tour around the country. Good luck to the boy. I hope he conquers the world.”

Wivenhoe Film Club gets a plug in The Chronicle, with the screening of The Way Back taking place at The Nottage on 14th December.

The wonderful new coffee shop venture at Papa’s Chip Shop is also enthused over by Scoop Scarpenter:

“Housed in a completely sectioned off part of the shop, the new 18 seater venue is run by Papa’s proprietors, husband and wife team Theo and Nitsa Papadamou. The very tasty and exceptionally reasonably priced food available at the coffee shop includes home made lasagne and shepherd’s pie, a selection of omelettes, Greek salad and mixed grill.”

I have heard similar high praises elsewhere around the town. Being served up by the Great Man whose king sized saveloys are “blessed by God” has to be a good thing.

It seems that Wivenhoe is a hot pot of hyperlocal business activity right now. Someone should invite down the Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury and give us a lecture all about it.

Oh, hang on…

Accident Repairs Specialist Opens in Wivenhoe

“With 28 years experience of repairing vehicles, George Caesar has just opened George’s Bodyshop on the former Cedric Coaches site facing the Co-op. A specialist in accident repairs, he also carries out bumper repairs, car body repairs, smart repairs, plastic repairs, alloy repairs and he does spraying.”

He is also able to fix the frame of a bicycle that has become slightly bent after the lard arse owner has been getting a little over enthusiastic when riding Le Tour de Wivenhoe Trail.

Thanks for seeing to the Girl, so to speak, George.

And so you wait for one new hyperlocal business to come along, and then three come-a-calling, faster than you say write a tongue twister all about Rachel Reeves:

New Beauty and Holistic Therapy Salon

“A new beauty and holistic therapy salon equipped with a spray tanning room, has recently opened in Wivenhoe.”

I’m not sure whether to send in @AnnaJCowen or take in her bicycle.

Blimey.

But for the record, Top 2 Toe can be found within the premises of H20 at 37 High Street. I wish Papa’s, George and H2O well.

Ben Thomas writes a wonderful overview in praise of Moving Image on p.19, and in particular the Take Over season in November organised by the young folk of Wivenhoe.

The Boxing Day walk to Brightlingsea and back by the British Legion manages to unite the Never the Twain two strands of The Chronicle. Purposefully striding off at 10am outside the Legion on the 26th, all are welcome.

Phew.

And so time to put down another mighty fine monthly read of The Chronicle, call back inside the cat and go looking for any reds under the bed.

Anyone seen a Shadow Chief Secretary to the Treasury?