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To firstsite! …on Friday evening for a particularly crazed pageant to celebrate Sunny Colch’s St Denys, the patron saint of town traffic congestion.

Or something.

Actually, a brief bit of online research before entering Britain’s Oldest Recorded revealed that yer man Denny is the:

“patron saint of frenzy, strife, headaches, hydrophobia, rabies and possessed people.”

Blimey.

It’s quite a burgeoning scene apparently, and one that some three hours later, I would emerge out of the splendour that is the Golden Goose of firstsite and find myself not only with a headache, but also be in the very diabolical possession of a homemade Oyster hat.

If the cap fits, Comrades…

Our friends from firstsite helpfully added:

“firstsite reinstates St Denys Fayre which used to take place on the land which the firstsite building now stands. In past times, it marked the start of the oyster season and took inspiration from St Denys.”

Expect nudity as well, was the message. I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours. We’re talking about bonkers homemade Oyster hats here.

Ah yes – about those hats…

Not wanting to miss out on the frenzy, strife and hydrophobia, @annajcowen and I arrived fashionably early, suited and booted from downtown Wivenhoe. A brief look around the Camulodunum exhibition and we saw boobs.

Brilliant!

“They’ve all got bigger boobs than me,” observed the girl. Also helpfully observing was a very fine firstsite attendant, now nodding his head in agreement. It’s the personal touch that makes firstsite so special, something that you are unlikely to find at the Tate Modern.

Yer man with the internal radio mic then directed us towards more mammary glands in the grand firstsite auditorium. What was showing for the evening was a most splendid early ’80s home made soft porn flick, with birds with big boobs getting all wobbly and painting their Bristol’s. I can’t see Saint Bob appreciating it.

I’ll have a bit of that, I thought.

Further reading revealed that this was the Neo Naturist movement, captured on camera back in the day before the modern interweb was but a five-fingered shuffle away.

We’ve come a long way, baby.

The Neo Naturists turned me on, so much so that I was by now almost standing to attention (steady) and ready to deliver my own half-hashed comedy routine on the floor of the half-empty auditorium.

“You look a tit as it is,” commented the girl.

And she’d be right, of course. We had just come from the homemade DIY craft section of the good St Denys. This is best described as a medieval Blue Peter craft event. Believers of St Denys were encouraged to make badges, broaches and hats.

With a hat tip to the very fine firstsite crafty lady who guided us through the folding, knotting and oyster ear making (it’s a Colchester thing) – I emerged about five minutes later wearing a homemade effort that I thought was worthy of locking horns with m’Comrade Wolfgang Moneypenny back in South London.

We wandered out of the auditorium, just in time to see the main draw of St Denys in the form of the emerging Sunny Colch local heroes Animal Noise. The three-piece flamenco-folk-twisted-power pop-anti electric-bare foot-rockers (burgeoning scene, blah blah blah) are hot on the lips of Britain’s Oldest Recorded muso scene.

They are also on the sacred Berryfield mosaic.

Blimey.

This was precisely what was brilliant about the St Denys Fayre – firstsite and the Berryfield are finding their feet. These first few months are all about experimenting, attracting locals and showcasing the old with the new.

Allowing a power pop trio to perform at the foot of the protected piece of Sunny Colch’s Roman heritage was something of a masterstroke. Saint Bob *really* should like this kind of populist approach.

To prove the point, a crew (get you, Daddy-Oooo) of breakdance kids seized the moment in the gallery space behind Animal Noise. A back flip out of the blue just added to the Berryfield moment.

And so that was St Denys celebrated for another year. I’m not sure if the purveyor of frenzy, strife, headaches, hydrophobia, rabies and possessed people will return to these parts again, but firstsite has certainly sold me this with this brave and bonkers approach to celebrating the local arts.

Next week: St Brian – Wivenhoe’s patron Saint of nautical readings, paranoia and Special Brew will be celebrated. It’s a private viewing, Comrades.