onionbagblog

And so having bemoaned my £4.10 Bank Holiday swim back in the sticks, I returned to Brixton Rec with a bump on Saturday morning, for what must have been the most unpleasant swim I have ever had to endure in SW9.

With the kids on their Easter break, at least the bonkers 7am – 9am only public swimming session has been suspended. The pool is open throughout the daytime, although the temporary changing rooms remain.

The plan is for the Rec to finally re-open next Friday, just in time for the summer term to start. The new changing rooms will allow both the public and primary school kids to have changing facilities, and the normal timetable should be back in operation.

Best laid plans and all that…

The polythene covering is still in place, and I live in hope to see what wonders lay behind the magical screen come Friday morning. A *third* delay to the scheduled opening would be rather awkward, what with May 6th approaching, wouldn’t it?

But anyway – my Saturday morning woes…

First off was the queue. It may be a more civilised time for the daily dip, but the poor reception staff simply can’t cope with more than three customers at a time. Try ten on a Saturday morning, including some members making block bookings for facilities, as the GLL website isn’t up to the task.

Five, ten, fifteen minutes…

Seriously.

I spent longer in the queue than I did in the pool. The reception staff were very apologetic, but the system just can’t handle the demand. The self-service machines are useless – they don’t accept Swim London cards.

Hey hoe. Card eventually swiped, up the escalator, past the building site and all the way into the shoebox temporary changing rooms. Thankfully I was being observant, else I wouldn’t have noticed the piece of paper over the door, saying that the Gents is now the Ladies.

Cripes.

Unsure if I was Arthur or Martha, I entered the Ladies. The smell of male sweat confirmed that I was in the correct shoebox. It seems that the Rec has a limited number of female cleaners, and so the male staff have to attend to the females changing facilities.

I almost took the eye out of a game old bird, as she strayed into the wrong changing room, just as I was drip-drying the meat ‘n two veg.

The swim itself was instantly forgettable. Ten swimmers crammed into each lane, bumper to bumper and bobbing up and down in a reckless manner. This is what happens when the borough only has one remaining swimming pool.

One of my fellow swimmers was Nostril Man, the legendary Brixton swimmer who has the rather foul habit of emptying the contents of his nose at the completion of each length, much in the same style of a repugnant Premier League footballer.

The dirty dog.

And so not a great leisure experience all round. May 3rd and the opening of the lovely Lido can’t come quick enough.

Meanwhile, here come the advert for the hardest job in the world:

Leisure Client Officer

Employer: Lambeth Council

Salary: SO1: £27,945 rising in annual increments to £29,571 pa incl. LW

Hours: 35

Not surprisingly, the job spec is full of Nu Labour buzz phrases. I’m tempted to apply:

Are you committed to quality, community focused sporting opportunities being developed and delivered through leisure centres?

Are you ready for a challenge? [and then some...]

To this end, we are looking for a Leisure Client Officer that can help us improve leisure service access and quality by engaging with customers and monitoring the continued development of services within Lambeth’s Leisure Contract. This role will see you shape the future of leisure provision in Lambeth in partnership with a wide range of agencies using the community development, social inclusion, and health agendas.

Of course a more accurate job spec would read:

Must be willing to attend GLL Customer Users Forum each quarter across multi-sites (don’t worry – only one is actually open right now.) During the forum you will be subjected to probing questions by the only other attendee – an indignant local blogger who is a right royal pain in the bloody arse.

The first task of the new incumbent should be to make sure that the refurbishment of Brixton Rec doesn’t fail a second deadline. I’m sure an @lambeth_council Leisure Client Officer will be compliant in this process, especially so with May 6th approaching.

Job’s a good ‘un.

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