Crap Match Report – LIVE!

Close of play, day one: Derbyshire 306-5 (Derbyshire 3pts, Surrey 1pt)

Surrey Cricket

Righto – for one final season in South London, I’m Oval bound to watch the first ball of the season being bowled. Glorious. C’mon the ‘rrey!

First ball of the new season about to bowled at The Oval…


Lively start. 7-0 D****s. Bare chest bloke in Peter May. No sign of Hairy Back Man. Ramps loitering on boundary. Looks bored.

Free scorecards for all @surreycricket Members. Nice gesture. Talk of sanctioned pitch invasion with @cabbiescapital later. Splendid.

We haz wicket. Madden caught by Batty, bowling from Linley. 36-1 D****s. Huge celebration from @surreycricket players. Up for the fight.

Ice cream bell, warm beer and bloke sitting in front of me dilligently colour coding @surreycricket scorecard. Summer’s here.

Made the switch to the OCS and the South London sun.

Topless goth at the cricket. Eek. 61-1 D****s. Big shout just went up from @surreycricket. Need another wicket before lunch.

Catches win matches. Which is a shame as @surreycricket have put two down this morning. 74-1 D****s. Hard work in field.

Lunch. 80-1 D****s. Tough session for @surreycricket. Old boy in OCS is wearing his cricket whites. Optimitic. Mr Ramps in worldof his own.

Under pressure from @cabbiescapital to start the sanctioned pitch invasion. Army of one behind me. Viva Surrey!


Gonna shift Gunter’s marker.

Afternoon session underway at The Oval. Gunter Nel looking hot and bothered. As it should be. Mr Ramps still wearing old skool jumper. Bless.

Old boys bemoaning @surreycricket fielding. Bang on cue, Borrington caught behind on 21. 90-2 D****s. C’mon the ‘rrey!

The @surreycricket comeback has commenced. Park caught for 5, D****s 135-3. @SurreyCCC – plotting to deal with Rogers. Gonna growl at him.

Waiting around for a century from D****s’ Rogers. Fella currently stuck on 99. 170-3 the visitors. Bonkers old blokes nearby ranting away.

Aha! And there it is. Fine knock fron Rogers. A century on the opening day of the season. Sun back out in SE11. Naked, elderly, male flesh.

Rory HB brings himself into the @surreycricket attack, just before tea is taken. First ball just short of the boundary. Blimey. 187-3 D****s

Fag end of the day at The Oval. Tired and emotional, although strangely booze free. Work beckons soon for both @cabbiescapital and I. 218-3.

Back at SW8 base after a brilliant day at The Oval. Listening to the fine @surreycricket ball-by-ball, making potato salad (me, not SCC…)

Surrey Cricket

Surrey Cricket

Surrey Cricket

Surrey Cricket

Surrey Cricket

Surrey Cricket

One thought on “Crap Match Report – LIVE!

  1. Sunshine at the Oval. Mark Church and Johnny Barren commentating on match and other things e.g. their families, bad backs and how to alleviate them (Churchy’s suffering at the moment), pigeons, babies etc. E-mails coming in to the Beeb from far-off places, and Ramps was actually spotted in short-sleeves……. a rare sight as he’s usually swathed in jumper. Andre Nell (Gunther or Nelly take your pick) was firing cricket-balls at the stumps as if a man possessed and Surrey’s brand-new young Cap’n Rory H-B was surveying the field and pondering on the chances of picking up easy Sussex wickets. A laudable ambition being thwarted by C. Rogers Esq of Sussex who seemed to be a permanent fixture at the stumps and was belting any ball rash enough to come near him.
    Cricket season has started for this year…….and all’s well with the world !

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