Crap Match Report

Wine, dine and... at the cricket

Close of play, day three: Surrey 311-2, Leicestershire 593-5dec (Surrey 4pts, Leics 4pts)

Right – work done for the afternoon. Off to catch the final session of play at The Oval. C’mon the ‘rrey! #

Sitting in the sun in the Peter May stand, pint in hand, awaiting the return of Mr Ramps after tea. Happy days #

Bell rung in Long Room. Members are stirred. Meanwhile in Peter May, couple have either collapsed from booze, or are administering felatio #

My presence in the Peter May has brought down the average age to 72. Waiting for Godot at fine leg #

Couple of gents sitting in Montpellier Club seats at The Oval. Cost: £1.5k per anum. I’d expect felatio thrown in for free. 214-2 Surrey #

Strategic move to top tier of the pavilion. No sun in Peter May and now got #ashes on behind me in Surrey library. Ramps blocking all afto #

10 overs since tea & the best it has got has been a solitary boundary from Mr Ramps. Strange chap in front of me is Reading Delia Smith book #

Delia Smith story reminds me of chap at Trent Bridge Test who brought his jazz mag collection into ground for communal reading. Um no thanks #

Drinks break at The Oval. Doubt if Leic are on the same 50p out of date cans of Carling that are keeping me going. 246-2 the ‘rrey #

150 up for Mr Ramps. What a man! This is a batting wicket, make no mistake. Expect fun & games if #ashes are to be won at The Oval again #

Meanwhile looking down on the Peter May stand and it’s bare chests ahoy! Felatio is still continuing. Either that or definite booze collapse #

Now this gets interesting. Taylor, the double centurian teenager from yesterday, is having a bowl at Mr Ramps. Sourcerer and his apprentice #

Listen!

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