Man or Mouse?

Super Fury Animal

A wee visitor in the early hours, and I knew it was time to buy a mousetrap. I’m surprised we’ve survived so long living in London without the need for such a device.

You’re never more than 5mm away from a human size rat, etc, but the most rodent action we’ve ever had living in two Victorian properties over a fifteen year period is a suspected dead squirrel underneath the floorboards by the fridge. And that turned out to be nothing but spilt milk. Not worth crying over…

And so I set off early on Wednesday morning in search of a mousetrap in South London. Given the number of dirty rats around these parts, it can’t be that difficult, can it?

Heading out for the first time since Thursday… to buy a mousetrap #

The various Brixton Pound Stores around the market stocked the traditional Tom ‘n Jerry style entice ’em and splice ’em nail through the forehead variety. Effective, but they played upon my liberal sensitivities. Plus I didn’t want to wake up with splattered mouse membrane the following morning.

Now then – humane or inhumane mouse traps? How evil do I feel? Think of the Mozza fans… #

A trip down Acre Lane, and I soon remembered the delights of local hardware emporium, Clap’ham DIY. It does what it said on the tin – this is a *proper* hardcore hardware store, with the lovely owners even wearing brown aprons, and not in an ironic Shoreditch style, either.

The fragrant mrs onionbagblogger had insisted on a humane mousetrap, although why I’m buying a humane device for a rodent, I fail to understand. Shouldn’t that be rodane? And what’s so wrong anyway with a good old fashioned bang to the head with a wooden rolling pin?

I came out of Clap’ham DIY with a device that looks more like a pet mouse home, complete with a fancy stairwell and feeding tray. I want to catch the little creeper, not entertain it at a 5 star mousetrap, all at my expense.

Clap’ham DIY Centre, Acre Lane – what a lovely local business. Only shop I could find selling humane mouse traps. Now to catch my lunch… #

The instructions state that the trap is:

Safe for pets.

Eh? Stray rodents are a nuisance and are not to be encouraged to outstay their welcome. Or maybe it means that the family pet mouse is safe to play around in the trap, whereas the nasty wild rodent will get an altogether different welcome if he tries to unpack his suitcase in the 5 star snare?

But at least I won’t be splitting up the family – the contraption is:

Suitable for a family of four.

Fantastic! I would hate to think that I’m offering a sub-standard accommodation for would be cheese thieves. Similar size properties over in Docklands would actually sell for a six-figure sum, and not the £7.35 that I was charged by the lovely local Clap’ham DIY store.

Mousetrap set. Twiddling my moustache and waiting… #

And so the trap has been laid (room service, et al) and all I can do now is wait until it’s time for the good Colonel Abrahams to make an appearance.

The instructions advise me to:

Release the rodent at least 1km away.

I’m tempted to post him straight back through the letterbox of the house next door, which I suspect with their poor levels of hygiene, is where the mouse first made his nest.

Mousetrap update: cheese untouched. Starting to feel slightly peckish myself. #

With a reusable mousetrap now on tap, I’m happy to make the bed each evening and allow my little friend to having a rolling check in / check out policy. Any funny business and it’s a swift bang on the head with a rolling pin.

That’s all, folks.

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